first paper

First paper over and done with... Felt good about it... For the first time, felt assured tt exams in Uni isn't tt scary... Kinda happy tt the first paper is over and the next is in about 6 days' time... Time will fly and soon i'll be free again... Not exactly "free" kind of "free" but at least can stay away from academics for a month and recharge and brain cells... Have been putting in a lot of over time these few days and more to come in the next 3 weeks....

Tired, sleepy and hungry... Jap curry tonight!!!

not missing him

Haha!! I'm not missing him... Although some of u have told me tt my previous post seemed to indicate so... No... But he's not forgotten... Coz he was unforgettable...

And what we shared was unforgettable too.

the notebook

I have just watched The Notebook... I have not cried watching a film for a long long time... And i wasn't tearing... It was the full on, "i can't breathe" kind of crying... I was touched, beyond words...

For those of u who haven't watched the film and want to, stop here. Ask me for it, i'll send it to u... Watch and see for urself what true love is...

Watching Noah read to Ellie who has dementia was just a profound experience... I thought of my grandparents actually. They have passed away in recent times.

My grandfather was senile and lived at a hospice in the last 4-5years of his life... He basically couldn't remember anyone of us everytime we visited him, just like Ellie... Noah read to Ellie everyday, the story of them, tt Ellie herself had written in her younger years... He read to her, in the hope tt she would remember when everyone around was saying tt dementia was an irreversible illness and tt her memory will never come back.

Ellie couldn't remember the man tt she love so much. And my grandfather too... I know for one thing tt my grandparents were very much in love with each other... But he couldn't remember his wife anymore and she herself, contracted stomach cancer tt weakened her immune system. She couldn't go to the hospice to visit him as it wasn't good for her and travelling caused her pain... Watching the old Noah and Ellie just reminded me of them... And i grew sad, knowing tt i had never really had enough time with them. They were in Tokyo, I was in Singapore... When i finally went back to visit my grandparents after 6 years, my grandfather didn't know who i was and i remembered the tears my grandmother shed when she saw tt we had grown so tall.

Then, seeing young Noah and Ellie made me think of him... He wasn't my first love, but he was one man tt really loved me... Maybe we weren't as crazy as tt pair and we weren't as lucky to have so much time with each other, but we definitely had seen great days... We rarely fought, but tt was only coz he always gave in to my requests... When we did, it was big time with pushing, yelling, tears, screaming... But i know tt back then, he would have done the same thing as Noah, for me... We really loved each other and we were crazy about each other then... It just made me sadder tt it was gone too...

He was the one man tt made me believe tt i could depend on him for the rest of my life... I was sure tt he would love me, take care of me and we would be happy... But i guess i started asking and looking for too much... I wanted something more than a life with him... I thought his requests for me was too much but i was more selfish when i started seeking the freedom of youth tt was taken away in exchange for him... He gave so much to compensate but i was never satisfied...

Am i sorry now tt we have changed? I don't think so and i don't regret what we did... But who isn't sadden by a loss...? Loss of someone who cared deeply for me... And the pain tt i still cause him now... Sometimes i wish u wouldn't treat me so nice...

P.S: Even Limei says u are nice... U can put up with a lot of shit...

P.S.S: U won't get to see this anyway...

Boring afternoon

Watching the sunlight slowly disappear from my bed, makes me sleepy and tempted to take an afternoon snooze... But schizophrenia is waving its arms at me to continue reading on... Eyelids are drooping...

I wonder what's he doing now...

And why is blogger so slow these few days (i'm not the only one complaining)...

I wonder what soft toy i'll get... Not a hippo ba!! (pls, no...)

I wonder why we ended up like this...

I wonder what will we be like when exams are all over and holiday starts...

I wonder what i can do with all the wires tt are coiling around on my table...

I wonder where is a more secure place to place my webcam (it has toppled twice)...

I wonder why we ended up like this...

I wonder if i still can take this...

I wonder when will night fall to envelope me...

I wonder when i can go tanning again...

I wonder why i still think of him...

I wonder why letting go is so hard...

I wonder why freedom eludes me...

I wonder is it coz i refuse to let freedom take me...

And i wonder why i refuse to let it take me away...

I wonder why it is so difficult...

Why??

Milk

Limei was right...

Milk does make u want to go...

But it was never the case for me before...

I think it's just HL milk...

OK, I need to go...

Saturday Night

Limei bought the new Jay Chou CD and it is playing in our room now... All the songs tt i have heard so far are all sad and heavy on the mood... Makes me kinda down and lonely... Not in the bad way... The reflective kind of lonely...

It's a dull feeling inside tt makes me think of him at times like this... What is he doing, where is he...? Who is he with and what is he thinking about...? Not longing and missing him... But just a thought tt comes to mind...

It's just plain weird, tt i'm thinking of someone when it shouldn't be tt way anymore... Our story came to an end already and i have lots on hand, so why?? =P I wish i knew...

Things to do:
(1) Mass mail Cheer schedule
(2) Find tailor for Cheer uniform
(3) HP101
(4) Stop letting thoughts of him pop into my head
(5) Concentrate on HP101
(6) Stop blogging
(7) Stop thinking of him
(8) Can't stop blogging
(9) Concentrate 100% on HP101
(10) Stop wondering what is he up to now

I'm such a busy person, i can't breathe....

Dear Blog

Dear Blog,

I really can't concentrate on my HP101 while at home... Nothing is going in!!! I feel stuck... I only came home coz mama tempted me with sashimi and others (i.e. Yakiniku, Sweet&Sour Pork, etc.)... But there is something about home tt has been making me very sleepy eversince i stepped in...

Too many distractions and don't quite like the fact tt I have to walk more than 8 steps to go to the toilet... Don't quite like the fact tt snacks are not around when i need them and tt i actually have to cook REAL FOOD if i was hungry... Where are the chips and cookies tt my trusty shelf holds for me when i am studying??? All tt TV and VCDs are making me restless... And you know what Blog? I was actually so restless tt I switched on my ancient desktop (ok, it's not really ancient, but no one has laid hands on it after we each got our laptops) and played SIMS 2!!!! Like what the hell...

And i was so bored tt i actually surronded my poor sim with bushes so tt he couldn't run around to fulfill his needs... And basically he couldn't eat, had to sleep standing up and had to wet his pants right there... And of course, he just died there... I am turning into a basket case at home... And daytime TV is the WORST!!! Thank god for Channel 16 (Travel & Adventure, I LOVE YOU!!!) and of course, MTV... Just mindless entertainment...

Then, there was tt SMS from Di... What did she mean by "Long story babe, can't tell u on the phone?" Like, the suspense is killing me, my dear friend... And like "Rest ur heart and go study" will inspire me...!!! Bleh!!! The killer was, " Anyhow, what is Alvin's real name...." You mean tt ALVIN is NOT his REAL name?!?!?!?! Then what is he??? Count Dracula the First??? And why do i have to accompany u to Devil's Bar again after my exams??? I thought we already swore off tt place... I totally smell a scandal here... And u are NOT TELLING ME?!?!?!

It's nice and comfy to be at home but definitely need to stay in hall to mug... And all tt good food is spoiling me... I'm not complaining, but i just feel this general feeling of bloatedness (no, i've checked, i'm still 48kg) and it makes me feel fat (but nope, dun SEE any tummy bulge or things like tt, YET!)...

And the cheer thing is driving me nuts...

And a source of entertainment has died coz he has decided not to blog anymore...

And i feel sleepy again...

And i hate the fact tt exams will creep up and them suddenly slam me in the face with time racing by, not giving me a chance to breathe in btw papers...

And dear Blog, I wish for all this nonsense to end, quickly!!!!

Holiday

Haven't had my first paper yet but already looking forward to the holidays... Really can't wait for it to come... For once, I can breathe again and do all the things tt I want to do... Recharge my batteries and face whatever may come next semester...

Time really flies and feel kinda overwhelmed tt time is just passing me by... I stand at where I am now and sort of look back... When i thought i had not been able to walk away from, they are all sort of behind me now... Some of them still near, but definitely behind... And again, some things are still with me, clutched tightly to my chest... But whatever i hold in my hands now is dead... No amount of cajoling and effort on my part will get it to revive and be mine...

I now hold the empty shell of it... Nothing more...

Someone told me tt i'll probably meet some guy tt is interested in me soon, again, but no. Even if, a VERY BIG IF, there is one, i really don't think i can... Not just anyone will do... I'm picky and seriously, i still have a sorta model in the mind and tt someone (whoever it may be) will not be able to be everything tt i want...

I want someone tt is like him... Or do i...? Or do i just want him? No...? Or am i still searching for more to add on to my list of expectations...? Am i...?

I need long hair

It is confirmed tt i'll be going back to Mandarin to work as an escort this december... Wear the cheongsam, look pretty and smile... Stand at the lobby and basically be the guests' escort... Hahaha! Easy money but pity my poor feet then... But i used to stand 8 hours at the counter too... Should be alright..

Was joking with my manager tt i'll have to get push-up bras and padded undies to look good in the cheongsam... Hahaha!! Was kinda touched when one of my ex-colleagues sent me a msg thru friendster tt they are all waiting for me to go back... Oh my god!! Will be resuming part of my hectic night lifestyle with them AGAIN!!! My liver had better not disappoint me... hahaha!!!

Well, only problem, i need my hair to grow out fast so tt i can bun up my hair nicely... Does tt Pantene shampoo really work??

Revival

I just revived my chiong-shoes... With black ribbon, scissors, needle and thread, I have put off spending another 40bucks on a new pair of pointies tt i can wear to chiong... Was studying econs when it struck me tt i can rescue it... Haha!!! I think those shoes will live to see about 5 more rounds of dancing on the platforms and dancefloors... Haha!!! Muackz!!! =)