Tender M&M

Past couple of days, I have been having a weird sort of craving... I am craving for Michi and Miko. I know... Get over it, right??

Thought of seeing them on saturday and a couple of times I almost sent an SMS out to see if Saturday would be a good time. I consulted Diane (as usual) and well, her reply of "HELL NO!" was a bit extreme but yeah, I miss them. A lot. She went as far as to say that she will let me ruffle her hair, and tt I should not go.

Nothing good will come out of it, I know. But it pains me to think that maybe they dun remember me anymore. And sometimes, when he shares with me what they have been up to at home, I can feel my heart sink and the huge urge to see them again.

And today, Crystal was sharing with us what Hash had been up to at home. And suddenly I think back about the times when we used to exchange stories about each others' pets. I had Michi and Miko, Crystal has Hash, Izyan has her Quorianka and Rayden, Peiling has her terrapin. But now, I just listen and wonder how they are.

Cats just aren't dogs. And big dogs just aren't as cute and cuddly as small dogs. Tracy has a Shetland Sheepdog at home so during tuition Belle will usually come over. And during the break, we will play with Belle and when I talk to Belle, I see her looking at me the same way that Michi and Miko would. But Michi and Miko are more responsive, cocking their heads ard, staring intently at me as thought they are concentrating and comprehending what I tell them.

I used to cradle Miko in my arms and blow on her paw lightly. She would then try to "paw" at my face gently to get me to put my face closer to her so that she could kiss me. She would look at me as I cradle and rock her as if she was trying to remember every detail of my face and commit that into her memory.

I wonder if they know that I really miss them. OR will they have forgotten me? Or even worse, would they think that I have abandoned them just as I have abandoned their owner. Which is worse, to be forgotten or to be detested?

Cats are just too independent and their low need for affiliation do not serve as an attractive aspect to me. My need for affiliation requires more and it seems, I have managed to become so entangled emotionally with 2 dogs that do not speak my language and probably not my emotions too. But still.

I would have them gratefully if he were willing to give them up.

I finally see why Aya said I will never get married if I kept a dog. Coz if I had Michi and Miko with me now, somehow I feel that will be enough for me.

Right Shoulder

My right shoulder is lower than my left shoulder!!! OMG!!!

Today strained it again when I was back-spot for Luting and then, as usual, she came crashing down and pulled at my already chui-ed right shoulder and then I felt that "tick tick tick" kind of feeling then NUMBNESS...

I felt like screaming there and then lah, but kept cool, just went to the toilet to lean my forehead against the cool cool sink to settle myself... Looked in the mirror and *drumroll please* my right shoulder was FUCKING lower than my left!!!

It was so scary!!! It was so obvious that Shuling noticed and Ade also saw the difference!!! I felt so so ugly to have a slanted shoulder... I seriously thought I looked ugly...

And I am still worried for my shoulder too coz I know there are still times when that "tick tick tick" feeling comes and I can't really move it without experiencing the pain...

And Luting has also given me new bruises on my right arm... Fresh ones from all the back-spotting... The biggest one is a little swollen... And now, I DUN LIKE BRUISES ANYMORE!!! Seriously, the way she cradles down, if I didn't wear a bra I think I will have become flat lah!!! And if I didn't have breasts and all that fat tissues, I will have bruises on my chest when she impacts... Super sian of back-spotting her... I just want this to end...

Did something I wasn't supposed to do today. I promised myself not to show my weak side to the team and to always keep my calm. But today, I couldn't control myself coz I think I reached my limit of tolerance and when I was talking to ZM, I lost control and started to cry.

Dammit.

But ok lah, it wasn't like HE MADE ME CRY. I just lost control at that moment and maybe it was all the pent-up frustrations. But the team was niace about it and we managed to just move on and get things done.

I know the team's limit too. Wed and Thurs are bad days to expect high hit rate. Simply because, we are not ACES ppl. We are ad hoc, we are UNISUS. Our priorities and capabilities are different too. By wed, usually we are already 3/4 dead and the fatigue really causes a huge dip in our performance. Normally I am strong enough to just "peh" for the stunts but on wed and thur when my energy is almost used up, i can't even back-spot and cradle Luting back properly...

I just hope my right shoulder will be alright.

I am going to...

Work Hard and Play Hard.

I just feel that since I am having so much more fun now, I should be putting in the same amount of effort and energy I have for partying into my work too.

Used to just let time and life bring me everything and just ride with the flow but maybe now, I should be taking things in my hands and practise a bit more control. I just feel that it will help compensate for all the partying! Hahaha!! I have been partying more in the last 2 months than in the whole of my uni life I think... I'm not complaining though...

NEW WALLET!!!
Present from none other then LTA Goh and yes, I think small wallets are rather good too... My last 2 were a lil bigger and now I have reverted back to using a small one... Prevents me from keeping too much rubbish also...

Lastly, one more week to HO and then NO MORE LATE NIGHT TRAININGS. NO MORE HURRYING BACK TO HALL ON SUNDAYS. NO MORE SKIPPING DINNER. NO MORE SLEEPING 4 HOURS ONLY AT NIGHT. I get to lead a normal life again... BUT I think I shall start exercising a bit more to maintain a healthier mind and body. I just realise how training can make me feel a bit more agile and my mind more alert... Tt's exercise for you!!!

Lastly, I think I need to clear my reading and my laundry now while I still have some of the afternoon to myself!!

Dull

Is this the feeling that you get when you take Xanax?? My senses feel numb and my mind is a complete swamp of grey... Even in the shower just now, I didn't feel the pain in my right shoulder as much but I couldn't stretch my arm properly still... GOt stuck and still had to take off in that super slow way.

I could feel the heat from the water already but still I pushed it to the extreme... I was surronded by steam and I only thought, tt's nice... Like as if there is a mist...

I have never felt this way before I think... Coz it's not like sadness, or emo... Just listless, and not motivated... I feel so sorry tt I missed Catherine's lecture this morning coz I couldn't wake up... Shall read her text and her readings later as compensation...

ONe more week to HO and then we are all free.

The Sweetest Thing

Me: "...then I will paint a banner saying XXX XXX XXXX XXX XXXXXXXX!"

He: "I help you paint."

Stupid little me getting a bit too easily contented. Hello?! Since when such 4 words became the sweetest thing that someone can say to me?? Something seriously wrong with me... BUT HAPPY!!!!!!!!

Secrets are

hard to keep.

I used to joke with the girls that secrets are meant to be shared. But then again, some things need not stay hidden. Why then do they remain as secrets??

It's hard hiding something that u should be proud of. Or is the secret meant to keep ME hidden? I dunno what suddenly made me feel this way... But, yah... The question is why?? And sometimes, the reasons why a secret remains that way are not very convincing also...

I think these few days my mind is a total whirl...

Trying to keep up the calm facade and talking to ppl rationally, keeping emotions in check in front of others and trying to stay motivated... Breaking down my psychological defenses and it's causing me to be a bit emo i think... It's like, no avenues for me to vent and let go.

Find myself contradicting my own thoughts and feelings... Trying to psychoanalyse myself also to see why I am feeling the way I am... And I just want to shut myself down but at the same time, I want to see, feel and hear everything around me.

When does a mask stop becoming a tool that I can manipulate?? I used to think it was easy. Now I dunno when to put the mask down, with whom I can and how.

Non-chalant and cool is not me. Coz I am emotional. Coz I care. Coz I am involved.

15 more days to HO

Counting down to HO.

Uniforms haven't arrive. Segment 2 haven't run thru. Cheer segment haven't run thru. Segment 1's stunts also not all up. Dance for both segments also haven't properly run thru yet.

BUT I KNOW UNISUS CAN DO IT. IT'S CRUNCH TIME AND WE HAD BETTER FUCKING BUCK UP OR ALL THE BRUISES THAT WE HAVE ACCUMULATED WILL BE FOR NOTHING.

Plus, it's only 2 more weeks.

And I hope HO comes quickly coz I am so tired already... I know it's the same for everyone. Even worse for the ACES ppl and the ppl who are still taking part in IHGs. But it is really tiring and draining.

UNISUS WANTS IT. AND UNISUS WILL GET IT.

First Day

It's back to school again. And it's gg to be a weird semester. A semester with unfamiliar toiletmates, missing sisters and of course, more work load.

I feel good about starting school actually... Keep myself busy. Keeps my mind from thinking of irritating things. Work hard and play hard. A bit cheesy but I think that shall be my motto this sem. And to spend less money. No more buying of clothes at random times. NO MORE.

And it will bring me a step closer to graduation and to doing the things that I want.

This sem, I shall sing with Jason on the guitar. Just thought back to my childhood ambition of becoming a singer. How into it I was to the extent that Mama had to sit me down and look me in the eye and tell me tt I wasn't serious about becoming a singer right?? Tt was in primary school...

Life isn't about what we want. It's about what others expect of us. But I like living up to expectations.

I miss

I miss them. I miss having them run over when I call their names. I miss watching them run to the lift lobby and back.

I miss having her snuggle beside me on the sofa when she is scared. I miss hugging her and calming her down so that she will stop barking at strangers. But maybe I am the stranger now.

I miss having him look away coz he doesn't want to perform tricks. I miss laughing as he tries to run away from funny "spraying" things like air-fresherners, etc. But maybe I am also a stranger now.

I miss all these, but I can't go back. I dun want to go back but I miss them.

I dun mind cats, but I am still a dog person I guess. And not just any dog-person. I only really became a dog-person because of them.

Cats dun come to you and look at you with affection. Cats dun look at you while you talk so that you believe that they actually understand what you are saying. Cats dun lie down beside you when you are feeling low. Cats dun play with you and perform tricks.

I still prefer michi and miko.

P.S: I am not safe to be left alone. I start becoming EMO and I can't control it. I start wanting to make calls that shouldn't be made. I start questioning my stand. And I am doing this only because of michi and miko. That is so wrong.

Again

I was dropped and I hit my head again. When I opened my eyes to see how close I was to the edge of the mat, I stopped breathing.

I dun like to be dropped. I dun like to hit my head. Coz I dunno what is happening in my head when I hit it. I dun like it at all.

And when I fall, I lose my confidence to go up again. I am not weak. I dun like to think of myself as weak, but yes, I do fear. I dun like being scared. I dun like the helpless feeling of falling thru air, knowing tt I am just gg to hit the ground.

I dun want it to be like the last time. I like the fear-less, carefree me now. I dun want to go back to the time when small lil things like tt affect my confidence in everything I do.

And tt feeling of FALLING.

It's not just during cheerleading training. It's every other aspect of life also.

"Learn to relax, do your own thing. Don't worry about the bases. The bases will do what they need to do too. Just concentrate on your own part."

Simple cheerleading training instructions but I found a deeper meaning in those words. It's like life and the people around you, isn't it?? When I do my part and others do theirs, it will be alright. But try to meddle too much, and everything crumbles.

But what if the "bases" have let you down before and dropped you? Am I allowed to be cautious and feel insecure up there?? Or am I forced to just trust and let go, not to meddle??

It's hard, no??