Insecurity

How secure am I with my current relationship? I don't think I am really secure leh... Or am I?? I like to think I am. But sometimes I will find myself using all of my self-control not to bark and bite. Especially after listening to Huiyun, I think maybe there is a case of double-standards going on inside my mind.

Is it a false sense of security? But I like to think that he is sincere too. And that it is all friendliness and not flirtations. Signs of commitments are there too. Maybe I ask for too much?? Or have I, this time round, found something that I am a bit too afraid to let go?? Then I am so screwed...

I know that I am starting to suck at playing the aloof and cool persona. Really. Emotions and thoughts written all over my face sometimes, I can feel it. Lost control of facial muscles to maintain the mask. I dunno which is more tiring - maintaining the mask and staying in control, or letting go and then worrying about the consequences later... Argh!!

People can hurt you because they can touch you. People can break you because they can reach you. That's so sad isn't it? Every move, every contact and every word is a gamble.

Cute Pictures

I was just browsing the net for some cute pictures to change my blog's main picture. Like the new one... Red and glowy and well, just very striking... Then I came across this picture as well and I felt that it was really cute too so here it is!!!

They remind me of the keychains that I got for Adam and I on Valentine's Day. Somehow just reminded me of them. So cute right?! Too bad they blended in too well with the blog so won't stand out...

Rainy

It's been raining on and off (mostly on, though) the past few days and thanks to that I think my average body temperature has dropped. The extremities of my body is perpetually ice-cold and even when I snuggle under my blanket, my feet will leave a cold spot on the bed...

I want to be hugged and snuggle in warmth... Seriously, when was the last time I was able to even consider washing bedsheets simply coz the sun is out?? Now it's like, horde everything until cannot already then send everything down to the washing machine to wash... Even then, the clothes take twice the time to dry out I think.

Mould is growing on my Birks thanks to the damp.

The cold makes me feel just that little bit more vulnerable too. And I don't like feeling vulnerable. Haiz...

Hope the sun comes out soon and makes me strong again...

Table Sharing

I shall release the inner bitch in me today. I know, in the past I used to be blatantly-bitchy but have learnt to repress it and control it in an attempt to attain a more stable and balanced persona. That sense of control has led to me feeling more calm and less easily irritated by the mundane things in life like missing the bus, late tuition payment, empty toothpaste tube, etc.

But today, A MAN managed to unleash the inner bitch in me. It took just ONE MAN to do that and without even being in my presence for 5 secs, he had managed to make me rage with anger (inside).

This BRAVE MAN, decided to share a table at the Jurong Point foodcourt with me and my sister.

What's the big deal, some might say. Well, this COURAGEOUS MAN decided to share the table with us WITHOUT ASKING FOR OUR PERMISSION!!!

Aya and I had left our Crumpler bag and an Adidas gym bag on our seats at the table to go buy our food. We took all our valuables and left just our bags there. Off we went, thinking happily that, yes, we will be able to chat with a little privacy over our dinners and share some laughs and what-nots. I was the first to arrive back at our table.

I almost dropped my tray when I saw that man sitting at our table right next to my precious gym bag and eating his chicken rice. I went up to him and said in the most civilised voice that I could muster, "Excuse me, these are our bags. We got this table first."

He had the cheek to tell me that," Got no more empty tables already." I have eyes. I can see that. There is a reason why we waited for more than 10 minutes for an empty table too. I know I wasn't away from the table for long, maybe 3min?? I bought lor-mee coz that stall had no queue so I was really fast. Judging from the amount of food that was already missing from his plate, I tell you, I AM BLOODY FUCKING SURE he sat down at our table JUST WHEN WE WALKED AWAY to buy our food.

He didn't even ask if we were alright with sharing the table. HOW BLOODY FUCKING DARE HE DO THAT!!!

I tell you, I wasn't happy. So was Aya. She pulled a face at me from afar when she was still en route to the table. She thought I had ALLOWED the man to sit at our table you see. I tell you, I felt so misunderstood at that moment.

We pointedly ignored the man and carried on with our dinners and chatted about Mas Selamat, about school, work, home, etc.

"Now at this time, very hard to find tables hor? Hor? Hor?"

THAT MAN still had the mood to make small talk with us. We didn't even turn to him man. We just semi-nodded and then carried on with our own conversation. At that moment, I couldn't even feel sorry for him that he was eating alone. And I simply had to shut him off from my senses coz he was making the worst kind of slurpy noises, sucking away at the chicken bones I think.

And he took his time to eat too! A normal person will eat quickly and go coz they might feel awkward sharing a table with others but NO!!! In fact, when the 2 of us had finished our dinners, he was still eating the rice and drinking the soup.

I tell you, I am alright with sharing tables if you have the DECENCY TO ASK but he did not. Tt's what peeves me. That was the final push that tipped me off the cliff and unleash the inner bitch. It's a wonder I managed to reign myself in and not be sarcastic there and then at the table.

Now, I shall take a deep breath and enjoy the peace in my heart again. *zen*

Nibbles

We went to "Nibbles" in Chinatown on Sunday!! You basically stick your feet into this pool of water where these "dead-skin-cells-eating" fishes are kept and try to keep very very still... And the fishes will come and nibble away all the dead skin cells.

9 of us went on this adventurous outing - 5 guys and 4 girls. All the girls shared a tub and all the guys shared a tub. It was really ticklish and almost unbearable in the beginning but after a while. I found myself ignoring the fishes... It wasn't painful or anything like tt...

Check out our pretty little feet in the tub!!! Yiling was daring all of us to spread our toes but I was so afraid of the tickle that I refused!!! But I have to say, the fishes were mostly drawn to our heels... All of us basically have more dead skin there I guess!

Wei Lan and I held hands in the beginning coz it was so bloody ticklish and I have to admit that I did jump a little when one of the fishes went to nibble at my sole... We couldn't sit still lah!! But the zen-ness in us came out in the end. We decided that if we didn't see the fishes, we wouldn't feel the tickle so much!

Dinner in Chinatown!!! Check out the Gay Boys doing their best ad pose for Singapore Tourism Board!!! Singapore is an OPEN SOCIETY. They are simply BFFs...

Yiling and I look so good thanks to Ryan's superb camera. Brand new too, he says... Just bought it the previous afternoon...

And that was the end of our healthy outing on a lazy sunday afternoon... =)

Ami, I hope you see this

Ami, I hope you see this. A bit hard to tell you face to face. So there.

I'm sorry I made you give up asking me what my life is like. Aya told me everything and well, I'm not making excuses for myself. I was selfish in wanting to maintain my own lifestyle which I felt you 2 cannot accept so I hid and I lied. And after a while, you gave up coz my answers were always inconsistent.

I know everything now. And I'm sorry.

わがまま

偶にはわがままさせて欲しいのに、わがまま言えないのって、嫌な気がする。誤解されるのが嫌だから。私はけして弱い人ではないから。でも弱気にきずいて欲しい時もあるのよね。

正直になれない私は、ずっと一人で我慢するしかないのかな～
もっと素直になれる方法はあるのかな～

私の本当の気持ちを知ったら、どんな反応するのが解らないからこそ不安なのかも。本当の私にきずいたら嫌われるのが怖いのかも。そんなにあの人を失うのが怖いのかな。こんな自信がない自分が嫌いです。誰だってそうと思う。

あいつも、もっと私の気持ちに自分で解って欲しいよね。もうちょっと努力して欲しい。如何して敏感じゃないの！！！

腹立つぐらい怒れる…　

もうちょっと優しい彼氏になれ！！！　馬鹿！！

Burnt finger

I had steamboat with Ai ren just now and it was SHIOK!!! The portion is just nice for 2 girls and well, the weather today was ideal for steamboat. The piping hot soup was so good~~

After tt, Ai ren and I shared the dessert from Summer Frost. The name very cool hor? In Chinese, it sounds even more romantic. And the ice was shaved so thinnly tt, when it was in my mouth, it just melted and it was almost creamy in texture!!! HEAVEN!!! Today we tried the Champagne Grape ice with the peach topping. Very nice...

Oh, but the real story is I BURNT MY FUCKING INDEX FINGER!!!

Was trying to be a hero and remove the pot from the fire coz the precious soup was evaporating and we didn't need to cook anything anymore. And I had seen how Sammy effortlessly removed the pot from the fire earlier so I firmly believed that the handles weren't hot u see...

Well, The handle facing me wasn't hot so I reached to the other side to grab the other handle and that was when I FUCKING BURNT MYSELF!!! In a bit not to waste the precious soup, I had to bear with the pain and the heat and slowly let the pot down...

MY GOODNESS...

Now there's a super ugly looking bubble on the pad of my index finger. Right hand. I haven't tested to see if I can still write but typing is not a probelm (as u can see) coz my nails are long enough - I just tap away on the keyboard using my nails instead. =)

Inertia

I am not working very efficiently past 2 days after school reopened... Totally slacking and not accomplishing what I am supposed to be doing... Argh!!! The only thing I am dutifully doing is being a full-time nua-kia...

It's the holiday inertia lah. Cannot break out from it. And I think it's time we had a small outing too. After Limei went to China, no one really organising anything. Maybe coz tt girl always know of good places to eat and all the lobangs. Girls, if you see this, please go check facebook... Is it supposed to be a girls-only thing? And anyway, yah, ur replies are greatly appreciated.

Oh, just now I decided to take a break from nua-ing and went to run. At 8.30 in the morning. I am such a genius. Now at least I feel a bit more awake. =)

Bright sunshine

I have found my pocket full of sunshine. Life is good again. Not the best, but still good...

And my pocket full of sunshine comes in the form of something that resembles a cat. Hahaha!!! Think of it only also feel like laughing... I really think I have something that I will never want to let go... I love my pocket full of sunshine. A big pocket too, to keep that much sunshine...

May this be one good thing that doesn't end. I don't want it to, I am doing my best to keep it, and I hope my pocket full of sunshine feels the same too. =)