Shoulder Sit

It just crossed my mind today tt i sat on ur shoulder once... Long ago...

We were walking back under the MRT tracks from Tampines to Simei... We were talking about something and then you said you wanted to carry me on your shoulders... It was really long before cheerleading so I was really scared...

I wasn't really afraid that you would drop me, more worried about me being too heavy for you carry... It just crossed my mind... And I smiled, I don't know why...

Last night, I cried.

I couldn't sleep and I thought of you... I couldn't push you away...

I went to Tioman you know tt? A trip tt was meant to have been with you...

Mama bought me my 21st birthday gift last week... She wanted to get me diamonds... So i asked for a bracelet... She said she wanted to get me a set and asked if I wanted a necklace too... I told her tt I already have a diamond pendant tt you gave me for my 18th birthday...

The rocks she got me were definitely bigger... But I still like your pendant best...

After the time we shared, I wasn't able to withstand life without you... Looking for someone new wasn't coz I was just finding someone to replace u... But u are irreplaceable...

Shilong, when will you come back? My mum still talks about you... your name pops up at the most unexpected moments and it just hits me in the heart always... I feel like I can't breathe...

You can say tt time will erase the pain, tt I will eventually find someone else but he won't be you... I love you and wish you were here...

I am sick of the facade tt I have create and live... But I can't lie to myself tt it is not emptiness when I look at another and say "I love you"...

Hard to put down

It is the exam period now... Busy busy... Just finished my first paper, not much cause to celebrate since I still have 2 more papers to go and the next one is in 4 days...

I have been haunted by him... I just can't seem to put him away under lock and key... I am so afraid to open my drawer to see the box tt holds our photoes... So afraid to look into my jewellery box and see the ring tt he bought and the necklace he gave me for my 18th birthday... I sometimes wonder how I managed to make myself break up with him and how coolly I managed to pass the days after tt...

I had various activities to keep me busy, and saw him as a burden even... But now tt things have settled and I had time to think, carefully and clearly, the delay for the pain seems to have magnified it even more... I can't believe he is no longer beside me...

How is he now, and what is life like for him...?

Life hasn't been easy without you... I was probably the most pampered gf on planet earth then... You always knew what to do and you always knew how to make me feel better... It hasn't been easy, trying not to think of you as I try to cram psychology theories into my brain...

I didn't treat u well, did i? How I wish u could be here now, to see and feel the change in me... Coz losing u really made me crazy... I really want u back, to let u see, just how much I have changed... I really want to see u again...

But how can we? When u have moved on, so far ahead... Nobody wants to know that they are in the wrong, but I see for it myself, abide the late timing... I just wish that u could have remembered me as I am now, not tt selfish girl that passed on u...

I tried putting on our ring yesterday... For so long, it was a part of me... And it felt so nice to have it on again... I really miss u...

I miss u, do u know tt? It is so hard to talk about u... Everytime someone mentions ur name, my eyes tear... Everytime i try to say ur name, my voice cracks... I don't want to cry coz u are probably happily leading ur life and I want to celebrate tt for u too... But I just can't get over tt I am not a fixture in the new life of urs...

I wish u could just see how much I still love u.

Love Is...

When you are committed and care for each other...

When you understand that time will take away youth, beauty and agility...

But you will still want to hold each other's wrinkled hands and help each other along as the 2 of you take a slow stroll in the evenings...

To me, love was all these that he promised me...

Crappy Crampy Me

Ohhhh.... Am so glad the sun is not out... You see, I so badly wanted to go tanning again after last week.... But, my period had to choose this very moment to come... So my new bikini sits at the back of my drawer and will live to literally see the sun another day...

Kinda in love with the new-kini... Army green with lime coloured flower embroidery on the top... I think it's sporty and pretty at the same time... And the strings are quite thin... Good for tanning, definitely...

Let's talk about tt throbbing thump in my tummy... Have been popping chocolates like aspirins since 2 days before... Might be breaking out soon... Argh!!! And I am feeling tt sick lethargy when I can't will myself to do anything constructive and it is only what, Tuesday? I still have the rest of the week to survive...

Today a bestie gave me a distress call... I thought she was laughing until I realised tt weird sound was of her trying to choke back the tears... Be strong girl, and chill... Couples always, and I do mean ALWAYS, quarrel about stupid things. Silly things. Redundant things. Same, really... No matter, u still love each other and rock each other's world so there!!

Of course, any time u feel like sticking pins into his eyes coz u really can't stand him... Give me a call and I will try to be a bigger bitch just so the maternal instincts in u are shaken and start defending ur lover boy... Hehehehe!!!

After this Sunday's project submission, I can concentrate on exam revisions!!! Yay yay yay yay yay!!! And then it's the hols... Oh yes, moving home for the holidays... And working to increase the moolah factor in my bank!

Oh man, too much chocolates maybe, I am being hyper...

And Crystal, if u are reading this, dig this:
We are starting to pepper our conversation with Psych nideologies and concepts and theories... No wonder our other friends have a hard time trying to understand what we are trying to say... Do u realise how philosophical we sound when we talk like tt? But it helps I guess tt we understand each other when we talk... At least, when we talk about things in our life with the psych perspective, we understand and can relate... Who is gg to understand when we just say someone has a self-serving bias or explain the real idea behind prejudice?

AND

I need a back rub... I don't get stomach cramps (God bless, thank you so much for not giving tt to me) but I get lower back aches and tt is bad news when I want a good night sleep... Argh!!!

Alritey, back to CH 802... Fuck, I hate tt....

Last Hall Event

Cultural Night is over... That was the last hall event for this academic year...

One Year passes so fast... Too fast... What I held so dear in the past, I look back and see them diminishing into the horizon... Maybe I didn't realise that everytime I looked back, the memories had become smaller and blurry... Moving on seems so scary... Leaving familiarity behind...

I used to want the freedom to walk new paths without baggage and flit around to try things that I never experienced... But there are times when I am so scared of the unknown and I really wished that my past was around to provide the kind of comfort that only familiarity can give... I guess I never was that adventurous... Why try to be strong when I am not? Why resist the familiar warmth when I cannot tolerate the cool of strange surrondings?

Exams are coming and suddenly I think, it never was his fault that I thought Uni was the last stop station of youth and ignorance... It really is, with or without him... Time still will pass as fast and at the end I would end up being swept by the responsibilities of adulthood, with or without him... I projected him to be all that I didn't want when I must have known all along that it was going to be this way...

Do I still love him? Well, I do miss him but at the same time, I am afraid... The familiarity is gone and I don't know what will we share if we ever get back together again... Will we be able to pick up the pieces and really start over? Or will there always be this safety distance between us, just coz we don't want to hurt and get hurt again...?

Then again, will that be love? Or just familiar companionship? But then, passion will fizzle out, infatuation fades, our bodies will lose the beauty of youth... In the end, isn't it about the commitment and companionship? Even if our skin wrinkles and browns with age, we will still smile and hold hands as we take a stroll...

Shit, I can't go on... I am tearing...

Brain Juices Depleted

I have no energy to do anything constructive...

I am sorry, I really can make no sense tonight. And!! The best part is, I have been an avid fan of Yahoo Games for these past few hours...

Another month to exams... MUST!!! Work harder...

Dry Eyes Black Roots Pink Nails Too

Must get new contact lenses soon... My eyes are so dry... Gosh! It hurts!!!!

Anyway, like my new bright baby pink nails... So distracting... Find myself staring at them when I am typing on my laptop... Hehehe!!! And my toenails too...!!!!

And dye my hair... The roots are disgusting... Creeping me out!!!

What have I been up to??

I want to go swimming one of these days... I need a tanned tummy for the upcoming Navy Biathlon cheer performance... The routine is almost fixed... I am so happy!!!

I have to be more disciplined... Exams coming soon... And I still have a few more projects coming up! Assignments too... Let's see if I can do better this sem....

Flower Heart Carrot

I have a motivation in hall, and I am a flower heart carrot.... *grinz*

Another Day in Paradise

She calls out to the man on the street
’sir, can you help me?
It’s cold and I’ve nowhere to sleep,
Is there somewhere you can tell me? ’

He walks on, doesn’t look back
He pretends he can’t hear her
Starts to whistle as he crosses the street
Seems embarrassed to be there

Oh think twice, it’s another day for
You and me in paradise
Oh think twice, it’s just another day for you,
You and me in paradise

She calls out to the man on the street
He can see she’s been crying
She’s got blisters on the soles of her feet
Can’t walk but she’s trying

Oh think twice...
Oh lord, is there nothing more anybody can do
Oh lord, there must be something you can say

You can tell from the lines on her face
You can see that she’s been there
Probably been moved on from every place’cos she didn’t fit in there

Oh think twice...