Ambivalence

Ambivalence is what I feel when I am around my own mother. Happy to see her back but within a day and we 2 have fallen back into that pattern which has kept me on my toes when I am around her...

I know she's there and she loves me but I can't be entirely honest with her... She knows I love her but she knows that she can't be too direct with me coz over-sensitive me will get defensive. We both know it, but still, everytime, we fall into that trap...

I found it amusing that she didn't ask me those questions concerning my own life, but she actually went to ask my younger sister about it... I mean, if you wanted to know, ask me lah!! But on the other hand, I know that all this while, everytime we talk about my love-life, the "discussion" turns into an argument...

I guess she was worried that it will be the same again. But this time, I have met someone who I know I can be proud of. Someone who will most probably be considered acceptable by her standards too. Past few times, I have to admit that she was right when she said,"I don't think he is the right person for you."

I could easily have just approached her and told her but somehow I couldn't... Boy, I even had to sms Diane to ask her opinion on it... She gave the green light but still I held back...

Even though I feel that I have nothing to hide and I would want to parade him in front of her, haha... It's so confusing... Sometimes I feel that I communicate better with her over the webcam than face-to-face... Hoping that I can cross that hurdle inside me and tell her everything before she goes back...

For once, I am DYING to tell my mum about everything that is gg on in my life (ok, well, not everything.. esp the parties and drinking and what not.. haha!) so yah... PLUS, if she gives her stamp of approval I guess it will be easier telling papa.

I still find it funny how he will always feign ignorance when it is bloody obvious that mama has updated him about our lives... It's as though we must tell him personally to make it official and before he will attempt to recognise it as a reality..