I know

Dear You,

this is a letter tt i know will never reach u... U will never know of all these tt i am thinking and feeling inside... But we both know what it is like now... We will never go back to what we were before... Things are different now and we will never have what we had before...

We are friendly to each other and we show tt we still care for each other, but it's just so different now... We force ourselves to laugh and play a fool just so we won't be so awkward but we know tt, deep inside, we are just not at the same level anymore... When we sit at the same table and eat, we never talk... When we sat down for coffee, all we could do was sip our lattes and look at the magazines tt Olio had... When we chat on msn, every other line is a "haha" and tt's it... Definitely not a conversation... When u ask about school and i reply, u just move on to what u have been doing and it doesn't interest me anymore... And u can't seem to wait to move on to familiar topics like COE prices and who is getting married to who, who had a baby, who is going to have a baby...

I know u are still as nice and caring as before, but we are different now, and it saddens me tt u know it too but u can't let go... To tell u the truth, i know what it is like to be unable to let go of something u believe u have worked very hard for... But sometimes, holding on can hurt even more... yourself and the other... Letting go of ur hopes and dreams is so hard... so fucking damn hard and it pains me to know tt u are hurting inside as well... U are hurting over the same damn reason as i was... Why?

Will time lead us out of this game of charades? Is it better tt we see less of each other, now tt my exams are here? U smile and i know what u are feeling inside... But i can do nothing to make u feel better... I dun want u to feel all tt hurt after all tt u did for me... I remember everything tt u did and it pains me tt i dun feel touched by those memories, just a dull sadness tt what we had was all gone...

Running around finding my fave B&J flavour just coz NTUC was low on their stock and i wanted it so badly, surprising me with tt dress & shoes combo then bringing me to Top M, those late nights when u stayed up by the phone coz u knew i was sick, National Day at Swissotel (although it was ur Bday), the evening strolls with Haagen Daaz ice cream, our Sentosa trip, teaching me tt chilli crabs are best eaten by manhandling it (no need for image, then), teaching me to drink, being a good drinker so tt u are never drunk and can make sure i'm alright ( i will never forget tt time when my 3 cousins took u on and they lost... I sort of felt from then on tt all guys should know how to drink well) and every single lil thing...

I really feel thankful for ur love but what's with the emptiness between us now... It can never be filled again, i'm sorry...

Tired

I'm tired... Of all this... Please make it stop... Coz I'm spiraling out of control...

Looking at him

I only have a vague (and I do mean very vague) idea of what is going on... And i don't know what is on his mind... And i don't know how to make him feel better...

But somehow, I don't think it's my business anymore... Guess it never was... Even friends will want to somehow console him or make him feel better as a whole, but somehow, feel detached from what used to mean the world to me...

Like, an out-of-body feeling... Looking on at myself as i stand numb and unmoved by everything tt is happening, just observing... While the "me" tt's looking on wants to know what i can do for him...

But i don't feel like i'm being torn apart by my own contradictions and thoughts anymore...

Asked him before but he said it was hard to... Now tt she has moved on, is he going to cry for missing tt chance? What is he going to do? Sink further into tt pit tt he has dug for himself? It may sound hard, coming from someone like me tt couldn't let her own feelings down at one point too, but, I think he has to wake up...

She has a right to live her life, learn lessons, fall in love (again) and be happy... It doesn't have to be u, just someone she really loves...

After putting him through so much difficult times and trying moments, i finally learnt tt love was never about self, it's about the person u love...

It never was my business, so i guess it's just, good luck to u.

FuckingBloodyDammit!!!

Brain on strike... Nothing's on my mind... I miss my roomie and my substandard Cafe 284... I think I am hall-sick...

P.S: I wish I was there to pond Harold and Leonard... Missed the most pectacular ponding bonanza of Year 2005... Dammit!

Curry Rice

Me was chef of the day... Today's special guests were Eric and Jem!!! Haha!!! Cooked the curry in 2 pots (thanks to Justin who lent us his big red pot, but it still wasn't big enough) and bought the white rice from Canteen 2... The 8 of us managed to finish all... Felt a great sense of satisfaction seeing the Tweeties eat so much today... We had desserts courtesy of Yuwen... Honeydew sago...

We have had Hongliang, Emmanuel, KayJiunn, Kaleong, Qimou, Jiaqing, Zhiyang, Brian, Terrence, Eric and Jem over here to eat and hang out already... Who will be our next guests when we rara???

Same rule... Those who didn't cook, wash up!!! Thanks girls!!! And thanks to Kherray who was my assistant today... Peeling carrots and potatoes... Getting the plates and the rice... U go girl!!

Haha!!! Kinda like those variety shows... Always got special guest appearance by some ppl... Ooh... Wish I could watch some good TV then go have a hot soak in the tub... Like in Japan... Haiz... Damn FULL~~~~~~~~~~~~~!!!!! =)

Boxer Shorts

Just bought a new pair of slippers on Sunday then i went to buy a pair of boxer shorts just now... White with Blue hearts on it... So cute!!! Hahaha!! Will start walking around in boxer shorts like Mr. I-don't-know-where-my-waist-is-Harold... Bright green and pink slippers too... Makes me want to hit the beach big time... Let the waters roll over me... Woohoo... I wonder if tt promise for after exams still stand now tt it is all over... Tml is Japanese curry-rice at 284!!! Woohoo!!! =)

Plateau

I've hit a rut... My mind is a blank and no matter how hard i try to calm down and concentrate on settling down, i can't... There's something wrong inside, I can feel it... Do u feel it too?? Tt feeling where by u are so restless u can't sit, lie, walk, stand, nothing!! Desperate for help... I want to stand in the autumn wind at the foot of Tokyo Tower again. Then slowly watch the night lights as ppl walk past me quietly... I want to be there again, when my mind was clear and i felt settled... Where i could see tt everything is so small actually, insignificant... Stand on top of tt glass floor and look down at the tiny buildings beneath my feet, to wonder what it would feel like to fall from there... Then slowly walk away from there, feeling the quiet feeling of being alone and calmed... I want to be there... Where I am compelled to be gentle and quiet... Where I can just quietly observe as time pass me by... God, I miss the autumn in Tokyo... I want to be there, where i can feel alone in such a busy city...

Toiling

Exams are coming and i can feel the heat of pressure... Praying hard and working towards a pretty lil report slip... Do they post a copy of the results to our home address?? They have results notification via SMS like in TP... Sooooo looking forward to tt beep when I will get to know my results with just a press of the button...

Kamiyagi-san(Raye came up with tt name) seemed to have pushed everything behind already... Not moping about it really... But just a lil surreal tt everything can change in a weekend... 48, or is 72hrs of drama and we behave like nothing has ever happened before... But i know what it will be like... A few days later, the tell-tale scars of past conversation will come back to pepper our everyday chit-chat... Not moping about it at all... Just talking to myself really...

I'm sorry Ray if I seemed really dismissive tt day when u tried to console me... But i just didn't want tt outlet to pour everything out... If i start i will not stop... Just continue convincing myself of the non-chalance and i will be alright... My bestie thinks I am the da-bu-si kind and i want to be just tt... Maybe a still a bit bitter and sour about things but Kamiyagi-san is still Kamiyagi-san... Hehe!!!

Now got my books to busy me, then exams, then chiong!!! (BIG time!!!) and then it's Cheer and work... Will have to plan Night Cyclong during the holiday so tt we can arr to have it within the first month when school start... Have a headache now tt Vincent is gone... Funny tt i should miss him now... (Hahaha!!!) In the professional sense, mind u!!!

Sunday evening, SL helped me bring my stuff back to hall... Had jit dua bu things to lug back... Food, pots, cutleries and more clothes... Bleh!!! Limei and James caught us in the room and i sort of didn't know how to introduce them to each other... But the 2 of them also very cute... Sit on the bed side by side then SL sitting on my bed, a bit like Jian Jia Zhang... Haha!!!

SL didn't say "i told u so" or tt i shouldn't have gone away in the first place... Wouldn't have appreciated it anyway... But he just listened and didn't say much... I guess he of all ppl understood tt i needed to be strong for myself and tt i couldn't be babied now... He knew tt I was still licking my own wounds and tt I didn't like to lose so...

I am learning to appreciate being alone all over again... I want to quietly observe life and all tt it brings... Thank u for all tt u gave and everything tt u took away...

P.S: Psycho HP101 lecture today say: "Women cannot tolerate emotional infidelity but Men cannot tolerate sexual infidelity the most..."

Because of You

I will not make the same mistakes that you did
I will not let myself
Cause my heart so much misery
I will not break the way you did,
You fell so hard
I've learned the hard way
To never let it get that far

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

I lose my way
And it's not too long before you point it out
I cannot cry
Because I know that's weakness in your eyes
I'm forced to fake
A smile, a laugh everyday of my life
My heart can't possibly break
When it wasn't even whole to start with

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

I watched you die
I heard you cry every night in your sleep
I was so young
You should have known better than to lean on me
You never thought of anyone else
You just saw your pain
And now I cry in the middle of the night
For the same damn thing

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I try my hardest just to forget everything
Because of you
I don't know how to let anyone else in
Because of you
I'm ashamed of my life because it's empty
Because of you
I am afraid
Because of you
Because of you

Numb

Now isn't the time to let myself fall apart... Not tt I want to... I somehow wish I could just cry and gently let it pass... But if I do, it'll just make me weak and down... I'm glad tt now, i have grown numb with anger... It's a sad kind of anger, the kind tt u feel but have no idea what or to whom it is against... Just pure, dull, aching anger...

I dun want to talk about it, or why I am feeling this strange emotion... If what happened before was denial then I have slipped into another type of denial... Repression seems to be my choice of defense mechanism when it comes to psychological and emotional impacts... I know it is one of the more harmful mechanisms to deal with things but it is the easiest form of escape for me... Not thinking, not discussing, not facing it properly... If i were to lament tt there wasn't closure, it might partly be my fault for not being brave enough to face it...

I'm not saying it was my fault tt things headed to an end like tt... But maybe it was... I dun noe... I wish i knew... i wish i could understand... Seeing things fall apart in my own hands was never typical of me and some might say, grow up, live with it... But i cannot and will not let myself see this kind of pattern as an unavoidable phase of life... I wasn't born to be miserable...

I can't make myself feel happy, even if I knew so many friends care for me and are watching out for me... So, I can only try to not be miserable... Numb myself...

For now, just let me numb myself.

And thank u (u know who u are) for saying tt i had already tried my best and tt i should be comforted for having hung on... Yah, i did everything tt i could do, gave everything tt i could give but i still couldn't do it... My best was never enough... It was all a waste.

But thank u for laughing with me amidst the insane tears and thank u for not sympathising... Thank u for just hugging me and i like what u said.

"Things tt have happened cannot be erased, but ppl are different... We can change to be a better and stronger person... Don't let yesterday spoil today and don't let tml frighten u..."

Thank u, I feel better now.

nothing

Lost all faith... No direction...

What right do they have to rule over a person's life... What right do they have to decide and butt in on what decisions a person should make... And why does a person allow them to do such things...

Some of them don't even have a firm grasp on their own lives, why do they meddle with other's? They don't fucking know what kind of screw up lives they are leading, don't know tt others are talking behind their backs too and there they go trying to "lead" others down the "right" path... They think they lead saintly lives??

One day, maybe i'll look back and laugh, the bitterness gone and glee tt I wasn't part of them... They do not see what I have done, have given, can do, can give, will do, will give and they think they have the right to speak out and intervene... No, they have already intervened... Well, u have won... Happy now??

And u who have let them done this.

Aren't u happy tt u can hide behind them and say tt these were their opinions and tt others supported the movement... Democratic country we live in... It is never u. U are NEVER the wrong one... U hide behind the notion tt everything was not within ur control..

To begin with, u let them take control of u... And why? U of all of them should know everything tt goes on. And yet, u have let them make decisions for u blindly... Can u say tt they know everything?? Can u say tt they understand everything tt went on??

If they really love u, they would have understood and supported u, if only u made tt decision for urself and on ur own... And yet, u have let urself be bent to their wishes...

I see nothing.

Overeating

I'm back to my Steak-y philosophy again... Was woken from my nap by one of my girlfriends and well, basically we talked... It was thought fodder...

She's having her steak now but maybe, she has chosen a steak tt's not really sitting well in her tummy... I just realised tt even if u managed to get ur steak and eat it, it might not be the most satisfactory meal too...

Haven't we all gone to restaurants and asked for a steak?? And what happens when u make ur order is tt the waiter or waitress will politely ask u, "How well done do u want it to be ma'am?" (yes, I'm a ma'am when i visit restaurants!!!) Then u get to choose the sauce too (black pepper, mushroom, brown, lemon butter...)!!! Not to mention, do u want a T-Bone, Sirloin, Tenderloin or Rib-Eye??

Sometimes we think tt, since we have " ordered" this steak and we are "paying" for this steak, we shouldn't waste it... Even when u feel tt u have had enough and are "full", we continue "eating" and somehow end up with a bad case of indigestion... Who do we blame for the pain then? We knew we couldn't take anymore but still we pushed ourselves... Haiz...

Learn how to treat ur "tummies" better... Learn when we should stop, even if u feel the pinch at the "waste"... Sometimes it's not ur fault tt the steak is not going down well... It might be tt u did choose the wrong kind of steak, or the chef was in a bad mood tt day, or the restaurant just has a bad reputation... It's the same with love, i guess... Not everything is within ur control... When things fall apart, it isn't always something u can change... U don't barge into the kitchen and tell the chef how to cook ur steak, do u?

Don't worry tt u will be wasting tt steak... As long as u are not afraid of "paying" and "ordering" another steak, u will get to taste it again... As long as u are willing to love again and give urself opportunities, u will find a better man who will treasure u better...

I know what it feels like to give up something with great regret... We think of all the things tt might have been and all the things tt had been... We know tt someday, we will recover from the pain and loss, we will have to be the one to walk out of tt shadow... But so many of us also know tt the first step is the hardest...

For me, I know what I want but apparently, it's not on the restaurant's menu... I'm still waiting for the chef to put it on and I seriously dun care what the price is, but meanwhile, i can only wait... Bleh!! @@

Sleep deprivation

Somehow, I'm patting myself on the back for being able to wake up for project meeting... Tt's like the most responsible and grown-up thing I have done in a long long time... And we have finished tt damn thing (Hallelujah!!) and I don't have to go to school tml... (yay! yay! yay!)

Time is running out and I need to study but I feel very restless... But then again, I can just feel the vibes crawling up slowly... It's tt "lok-kok" transformation...

Well, I guess it won't be so obvious in hall, compared to last time when I was in poly... Used to dress nicely with make-up and all to school but lo behold exam period when all of us turn up dressed in the most basics of all basics (read: lok-kok; as if at home) and sans make-up with glasses, hair tied back in a ponytail PLUS a hairband to push the fringe out of the way... Haha!! Pretty much Ah-tiong style...

Can feel the WANT to study creeping up (keyword: creeping...) and I know I'll just be able to pull the magnificent feat of becoming a nerd, nicely...

Just when I have recovered from my food poisoning, he comes down with viral gastric flu... Best part is, he puked through the night too... Haha!! I seriously think tt is an experience tt everyone should go through at least once in their lifetime, haha!!! But pity him lah, i know it feels terrible... Hope he gets well NOW!!!

Now my one major source of entertainment is down and out-of-service... Mugging season is here to stay... I will not be needing Mik-kor-kor's services so soon... hehe!!

Thank You

I hear tt a lot of u have been impressed with my Chocolate Bar Vs Steak philosphy... Eh-hem!! Well, thank u for appreciating my piece of work...

Well, here's a rather REFRESHING topic for all of u to ponder... I first came across this in a magazine and it was posted as a question to the male population but let's see if we girls can come up with more creative answers...

* Raye might want to cover ur ears, i mean ur eyes, first*

What will u do if u walked in on ur boyfriend masturbating himself?

Girls, stop laughing... It CAN happen to u!! =P

Most guys who were interviewed said tt they will ask, " do u need help?"

Com'on, I'm sure we can do better than tt... Questions and Answers are most welcomed on my tagboard and ppl like Diane and Crystal, don't be lazy and share ur answers with the girls... Tt's the least u can do man!!!

*I sound like i'm running a women's forum here...* And girls who are blushing and running to hide under the blanket, u can type ur qn under the name Anonymous (but please, I will know who u are) and gain a lil more knowledge...

I gave serious thought to tt qn and came to the conclusion tt I would simply be speechless and not be able to say anything... But I know I would be sinking to my knees in front of him and... * Oops*

Haha!! Enjoy life, girls!! =)

Ghost of You and Me

What am I supposed to do
With all these blues
Haunting me, everywhere, no matter what I do

Watching the candle flicker out in the evening glow
I cant let go
When will this night be over

I didn't mean to fall in love with you
And baby there's a name for what you put me through
It isn't love, it's robbery
I'm sleeping with the ghost of you and me

Seen a lot of broken hearts go sailing by
Phantom ships, lost at sea
And one of them is mine

Raising my glass, I sing a toast to the midnight sky
I wonder why
The stars don't seem to guide me

I didn't mean to fall in love with you
And baby there's a name for what you put me through
It isn't love, it's robbery
I'm sleeping with the ghost of you and me

The ghost of you and me
When will it set me free
I hear the voices call
Following footsteps down the hall
Trying to save what's left of my heart and soul

Watching the candle flicker out in the evening glow
I can't let go
When will this night be over

I didn't mean to fall in love with you
And baby there's a name for what you put me through
It isn't love, it's robbery
I'm sleeping with the ghost of you and me

I didn't mean to fall in love with you
And baby there's a name for what you put me through
It isn't love, it's robbery
I'm sleeping with the ghost of you and me

Food Poisoning

Had food poisoning and was puking the whole of yesterday... Have never felt more terrible in my whole life... My stomach was in knots and I couldn't breathe... There was nothing in my stomach arleady but is still kept churning out water and then gastric juices... I thought it was easier if I just died from dehydration...

Got SL to bring me to see doctor... Had a jab and my arm was like, numb after tt... It felt so terrible tt I wasn't able to keep food down... The girsl bought me food of all manner in abid to pump some nutrients into me but I'm really sorry... Could only afford 3-4 mouths before I felt my stomach protesting again...

Developed a fever by afternoon and tt's when I thought Limei should go spend the night elsewhere... Didn't want to pass the fever to her... Was glad to have her around anyway... I know she woke up at night when i woke up to use the toilet or things like tt... And I have been drifting in and out of sleep for the whole day yesterday tt I'm starting to develop a headache from too much sleep... I wonder if Sleeping Beauty had such a problem since she was asleep for 100 years before the prince rescued her...

The 3 medicine tt the doc gave me was another problem... 2 times a day, 3 times a day, 4 times a day... I think I was not really drinking them at the right times yesterday... Lost track of how many hours in between it should be after all the naps... I need a chart man!!

Don't really feel tt great either today... Bleh!! The dustbin is my best friend now... Was hugging it in the middle of the night yesterday as i retched (nothing came up but my stomach was doing some hip-hop dance in there)... I hate being sick!! =P

9 people in a car

Thai Hoe driving...
WeiQuan in the front passenger seat...
Gerald, Weimin, Harold and then Vincent...
Zihui, Yuwen and I on their laps...

All food in the boot...
Clubby music on the radio...
Laughter and giggles and everyone was crammed together, still stinking from the cheerleading session... And we had just had our suppers so we were like, heavier...

Dropped Vincent off, now there's 8 of us left... Reached school, laughed as we watch the car suspension lift back up again as we slowly climbed out of the car... Went back to room, showered, got scared out of my wits by Limei and James (they switched off the lights, camouflaged themselves near the wardrobes and when I went to switch on the lights after my shower, I got shocked!!)...

James and Limei sharing cup noodles... Limei printing notes... James hanging laundry in the room... He sheepishly asked for my permission to hang clothes there (i will say NO meh??) and now he's asking "tell me how to see if it's cooked..." (he's talking about the cup noodles...) and I find my arm is like dull and lifeless... No strength in them...

Unhigh, Anti-rara and unfriendly mode was off during cheerleading but I'm in tt mode again... Tml only 1 lecture... Shall wear shorts to school again... Bleh!!

K-Box

Weekends are supposed to be for me to catch up on sleep or on my studies... I totally wasted my weekend this time... I was unable to tear myself away from the TV and watched it till Cable TV started showing reruns... Then saturday was spent very much just hanging out with my mum and then it was mahjong... Hahaha!! My youngest sister conned me of $5.80... U are zhai!!!

Was called away to K-Box by my dearest cousins... I was very high then... Partly due to the fact tt my body was tired and running on adrenaline by then... I was also very high coz I guess I was sort of pushing my bad mood down inside me... Don't want to say what it was, but was just hit by this moody and dark sensation...

Usually karaoke sessions with my cousins are like a total rara time... Mix of slow and fast songs but the mood is always elevated by me and my cousins... Jumping on sofas, singing at the top of our voices, banging our heads as we pretend to be rock musicians to the sounds of FIR... But I just couldn't pull tt act together this time... In fact, I only sang slow songs last night...

1. Ta Bu Ai Wo -Karen Mok-
2. Ru Guo De Shi -Fan Wei QI & Zhang Shao Han-
3. Yong Qi -Liang Jing Ru-
4. Fen Shou Kuai Le -Liang Jing Ru-
5. Mei Li De Wu Hui -Sammi Cheng-
6. Zhi De -Sammi Cheng-
7. Zhu Wo Shen Ri Kuai Le -Wen Lan-
8. Jie Tuo -Zhang Hui Mei-
9. Before I Fall In Love -Coco Lee-
10. Yi Shi De Mei Hao -Zhang Shao Han-
11. Lian Xi -Andy Lau-
12. Qing Nan Liao
13. Wu Ding (sang it with my kor-kor)
14. Guang Dao Zhi Lian (also with my kor-kor)

6 of us went and yes, I was hogging the mike more often then not... But somehow I felt the songs told of what I might be feeling inside... Very crappy night... Drank lots of beer also... Bleh!! We sang till 330 then we went for supper and then headed home... Somehow, i found myself very awake and unable to sleep at the unearthly hour of 530... When my eyes finally rested, my mind was still churning and I dreamt... Wasn't rested at all... Woke up feeling very irritable and snappy...

Sometimes I think, should i just take up tt Chocolate Bar's offer and stop thinking so much... But then again, the Steak is within sight (although damn out of reach) and i really don't want tt Chocolate Bar coz i ultimately only want tt piece of Steak... Goddammit!! And tt Chocolate Bar has so much more to offer... Oh man!! What the fuck am i hesitating for....??

If only it was before Friday, I will definitely have a decision in mind already... Damn!!

P.S: Congratulations to Ms Aki Nagashima for being able to think about all this nonsensical stuff and still study... Aren't u a genius?? =)

Chocolate Bars vs. Steaks

Today, we were sort of talking cock during our HP102 tutorial... Finished presentation and received feedback already so we were just sort of waiting for the other groups to go through their's with Mario...

Crystal's cousin called to ask if $220 for a bouquet of 99 roses was expensive.. Tt became the focal point of our discussion.. We all agreed tt he would regret his decision to buy such a big bouquet for his would-be-gf one day... You give her such a big bouquet now, then the next time, what are u going to get her? U definitely cannot downgrade and buy her a small bouquet of 9 or 12 roses liao... But heard he's rich so it's ok i guess...

But we girls agreed tt if given a choice, we would rather he had spent tt money on a nice piece of jewellery for us... Afterall, flowers wither and we throw them away... Aahhh... But a piece of jewellery is different... If you are going to spend more than 30bucks on a bouquet, i'd rather u buy a nice dress or a pair of pumps for me...

When I received tt bouquet of 20 roses from SL on my birthday, was kinda taken aback... Seriously didn't think he would remember my birthday and he even got the delivery man to bring it to hall... Well, previously it was always some other more thoughtful gifts like clothes, bags... Basically things to make myself look good and use... Some ppl envied tt big bouquet but to me, I knew what it meant... He couldn't be bothered to hunt for a nice gift and just chose the easy way out... Flowers that wither and die... The money he spent could have gone to a nice pair of shoes or even a bag i think...

Crystal then told us about a girl that was with her boyfriend but they weren't tt stable and when another guy came along, the girl broke up with her boyfriend to be together with the new guy... The point here was tt they were unstable not in the sense tt they were quarreling everyday and making life miserable for each other kind...

I guess sometimes, the feeling is gone but you see no reason in breaking up coz u are already too comfortable with the familiarity tt the 2 of u share... It's not like he's making u feel miserable and unloved... But deep down u know tt he is not the one for u and tt u are still waiting... For this girl, maybe the new guy gave her the reason to leave tt love-less relationship... And when they mourn the parting, it's only coz they will miss being very comfortable and familiar with one another... Tt kind of familiarity needs a lot of time and effort for a couple to share...

Sometimes, a couple get together not really of love... Or u choose to be with someone only coz he loves u and u know he'll treat u well... But he's not the one... He's just the Chocolate Bar to fill ur tummy while u wait for ur Steak to arrive... Snacks can only be Snacks... They'll never turn into a fulfilling meal tt will warm u and make u feel satisfied... Like in life, u can't survive on snacks alone... U need to eat proper meals...

I'm not saying it's wrong to have tt Chocolate Bar... They are sweet and nice to have while u wait for the next meal... But I guess we just have to remember tt like eating too many Chocolate Bars will give u cavities and spoil ur appetite for dinner later, having too many "boyfriends" will cause u to "look ugly" and u might just miss The One...

Chocolate Bars can brigthen ur day and help u move on while u wait for the next Steak... I'm serious, think about it... =)

Pink Nails

I have my Barbie-doll-pink nails again... Took some discipline to not chui the polish tt I had painstakingly just applied...

Mama called today while I was doing project and I asked her what's up... She said nothing, just tt I haven't called home for a while so was just wondering how I was... Felt a little guilty coz I know I have been caught up with my own stuffs and I haven't been really talking to her even at home...

Raye's at home tonight to accompany her mum... I wish I could be at home with her too... I remember the times when I was really nervous about something and I couldn't sleep... I would just go peek at my mum sleeping and I would feel better... I remember when I was younger and I was rebellious... I made my mum so angry tt she threatened to jump out the kitchen window and I didn't say or do anything to stop her... I know I was a real disappointment to her but she never gave up... She was always by my side... No matter how much I hurt her, she was always there for me...

Slowly, I grew out of tt phase and learnt to reflect and i really felt the guilt... I tried to be a better person for my mum and to be a better daughter to please her... But with age, came new problems tt we clashed over... Just tt I try to have more control over my rage and words when dealing with such issues with her... I used to think tt I could live very well on my own and tt i didn't need anyone... But as I grew older, I learnt how fortunate I was to have my mum... I've seen my cousin get married without her mum around... My aunt had died when I was in Primary 3 and last year when she got married, she broke down at the reception coz she so wanted her mum to see her then... I also felt tt I would want my mum to be by my side always...

To see me get married, hold my children, watch her grand-children grow old, go on tours with me, watch over me forever...

I love my mum but at the same time, there are times when we simply just clash and quarrel and then we will simply ignore each other for god-knows-how-long and then when we finally start talking, it is with great animosity but most times, I can't remember why we stopped talking in the first place... Bleh!! =P

Tonight, I miss my mum again... Only she will love me unconditionally, forever...

Peace

The past few days were too full of activities for me to even breathe... I've had my dinner, finished my eye mask treatment (courtesy of Limei, ooh, and James used it too) and have taken my shower too... I guess the fatigue is getting to my dear roomie... She's having some shut-eye...

Finally some peace and quiet... Used to dread the alone-time coz I was vulnerably in need for company so tt i won't think too much... But now, i realise tt it's been a while since i had time for myself and to just think...

Used to get a lot of alone-time at home and relax... Plug myself to some music and play around on my notebook... Let the music sort of take over me and let my moods swing whichever way the music wanted it to... It's definitely cooler than meditation i think...

Tonight, I'm listening to some smoother Kylie Minogue songs (nice butt u have there lady!) and just thinking of all the things tt has been going on in hall and with the girls... When there are more ppl interacting together, u see and experience more things... Learn more from their examples too...

My friend is experiencing a crush on someone now... She was telling me, now i know how painful it is to love someone one-sidedly... I could only nod and smile, well, i've been there... Looking at her, all the thoughts and feelings i had tucked away was all barging out again... Sort of reliving the whole experience through her and I actually felt the pain for her... It never goes away for good, these kind of things... One needs courage to dream and hope and wait and I applaud her for tt but what she doesn't know yet is tt, one needs even more courage to give up all tt u have dreamt, hoped and waited for... Sometimes, u think u have left it all behind and learnt to slowly put one foot in front of the other but basically, u are just walking on a treadmill... When u turn ur head slightly, u realise tt u have never walked away... It's all still there... But maybe u do learn something... You learn to continue dreaming and hoping and waiting, but just with more control... You learn how to break ur fall and learn how to put on a mask...

Somehow got me thinking of all the times we spent together... From the very first encounter to the rumour tt's going around now... Teaching me how to print notes at the library, Monday lunches, The Dream, the birthdays, the first date tt never happened, the spiral-down ending, the awkwardness, the pretence of strength, the weakness, the clubbing experience, how the rumour made me act better for JK (yes, it was an inspiring story... Raye didn't need to do much for me to show sadness when she acted as the love rival, Bleh!!) and again the mask I put on to force it all deep down inside of me... Haha!! Psychology has taught me tt this is called Repression... A form of defense mechanism to protect one's own slef-being (I got study my textbook, k?)...


After living together with Limei for a period of time, i really thank my lucky stars tt i found her... She is easy to live with and a good friend too... Taste in men has been quite good so far... I now have an added asset in my room... Haha! Permanent Resident of 18-3-284... Our very own water-boy... Greatest contribution to the room has been a green table that limei has decorated... Just glad tt they are getting along fine and they shouldn't face any major problems together... At least my roomie sticks up for me when James bully me (he very fierce... but Limei fiercer... I'm the fiercest!! Bleh!!=P) and well, he's the official photographer for Tweeties now...


Exams are coming but so much unfinished business to attend to... And i haven't seen Diane for a while (a long long while) and was really touched when she sent an SMS saying that i just crossed her mind and thought of how i was... I miss u sister... I believe if u were here, I would be so much more stronger and so much more in control... I am just unable to be myself without u around... U keep me in check and know what is best for me so help me now tt u are not beside me all the time... U are still my bestie... Dirty secrets and skeletons... We know them all... Haha!! And one thing i'll always remember when i shared with u my hall stories... "You sound like u are having a lot of fun... I know what u mean... I miss good @£$*"£&%£$ too... It is so important... U are leading such an exciting life..." Well babe, sometimes i think back and wonder if i might not be feeling so strained if i didn't have all these "excitement" in my life... Bleh!!!

Everytime we went clubbing together, i missed being single and carefree... But now, I wish this would all be over and tt he will be there for me... Bleh Bleh Bleh!! Don't laugh!!! Don't-try-to-play-punk-with-me Aki is entitled to some affection too right?? hehe!!! @@

48-Hour-Day

Woohoo!! Back from Langkawi!!

After the black-out last night, we were just not able to go to sleep... Seeing tt it was only 2 hours to daybreak, we decided to hold out and head out for the beach at 630am... My, oh, my!!

Haha!! We were late (in true Tweeties style) and only managed to leave our rooms at 730am... Had Mac breakfast (due to lack of sleep, i wasn't able to finish my last hotcake) and hot tea to perk ourselves up... We were super high on the train lah!! Running on pure adrenaline...

Welcome to Langkawi!! We were so touristy... Maps and all... The moment we reached the beach, we were blasting the radio (courtesy of Weimin) and we were singing and hunting for the best spot to flash some flesh... Camera action was at an all tim high and ceased clicking only for us to remove our tops and pose for more pictures in our bikinis!!!

Super hot and the tanning lotion was damn effective... Woohoo!! Baking in the sun (my shoulders were like prickling) and the glorious sun didn't let us down.... Videos, more pictures and finally we retreated to the cool of New Zealand Ice Cream and we had our (slurp) reward for tolerating the sun...

Yuwen brought us up the SkyTower... Her friend was there so we got in free and the view was just so damn nice!!! I am sure if it was at night and all the lights were on, i would have been so touched tt i might have cried... Sort of reminded me of the first time i went up the Tokyo Tower at night... I cried... It was just so beautiful...

Suffering the aftermath of tanning now.... Cheerleading do Break One Sweep then my back got Bua by the bases.... Oooowwwwww..... Damn painful... Wasn't afraid of falling from the high spot, was more afraid coz I was expecting tt sharp shot of pain when i come down and my back come into contact with their arms... But today was fun...

A bit pissed off coz some of the seniors want to come late or MIA never let me know in advance... Like, please lah, have some courtesy to let ppl know so tt they dun have to keep asking everyone else where this person or tt person is...


Senior doesn't mean can just happy then come, not happy dun come.... Nvm u know... Just let ppl know in ADVANCE!!! =P Bleh Bleh Bleh Bleh!!!

Our First Hall One Blackout

Our very first black-out in Hall!!! So exciting!!! We were so high tt we almost started bombing Blk 14... Muahahaha!! Tweety bomb to 14 bomb!!!

Must prepare loads of light-sticks, dua-bu torches and fan... So damn bloody hot in the room just now... I was in the toilet and i literally ran out when the lights went out... I was so freaked out!! I will never get a single room man... It's just different when u are alone and when u have a roomie around to scream with u... haha!!

Lit lanterns outside along the corridor as a way to 'fight' with the 14 light-sticks.... This is simply not acceptable... The sleepy me is very awake now... Oh no!!

Luckily yuwen and davina was in the room also... haha!! And James also lah (permanent resident of 18-3-284 already) but was good tt he was around... sort of calmed us down a bit....

It looks like we won't be sleeping so early tonight anymore.... =)

Langkawi

Tweeties went on a major shopping operation... In search of the perfect bikini to be worn at the beach tml at ''Langkawi''... And we went to Far East, managed to find discounts and then even bought denim shorts to go with the bikini tml!!! Muahahahahaha!!! We Are Good!!!

Itinerary for tml is very packed... It's a mission to get the most glorious of all tans... Need to get the radio from WM later... Oh my goodness!!! I miss the sun!!!

Shoulders aching from cheerleading yesterday... painful when i try to do anything funny to it... And hi-light of the evening?? I gave birth to WM (call me Ma) and I was stunned when i realised i was sitting on his head... I just couldn't move!!! Muahahahahahaha!!! Just found it so funny... Sorry to him (although he won't be reading this)...

I feel like having a Bitch fight with Vincent... See who is the more bitchy one... Yesterday, we were doing a certain stunt and he commented to me in front of Gerald, ''u just had sex arh?'' I just stared at him and said,''definitely not with u...'' Like, what the f**k....

Ultimate bitch of all bitches... WoooHooo!!!

P.S: I live on my own terms, my world revolves around pretty lil me! =)

No One Plays Punk With Me

Good evening ladies and gentlemen...

I would like to reintroduce the newly made-over moi.. No, not tt my appearance has changed much but I have changed dramatically inside over the weekend.. No, it's not hormones, I am starting to be like the old TP-days-me that I have missed eversince entering NTU...

Coming here, somehow I had let myself turn into the weak, clueless girl... Maybe it was the anxiety of moving into a new area and starting a new phase of my life... I had somehow let myself go... For the first time today, I felt the old me coming back... And I felt comforted and powerful at the same time... I knew I wasn't going to take shit from anyone again... I feel empowered again... Just like in TP, and yes, just like in Mandarin...

The first signs were anger. Bad things and news used to make me feel sad and wonder why good things never happen to me... Despondent, self-pitying, helpless and reliant on fate... Just the kind of person tt i hated... But today, when something unpleasant hit my ear, the first instinct was anger and the great urge to kick-ass... My first thought? No one plays punk with me.

Of course, with anger comes deep sense of hatred and the well of sarcasm was boiling... But these are all but passing phases... The most important thing was, I was able to shake my head and smile when i think of all the nasty things i wished i could do... The good thing about being a practical bitch is tt u remember it's never good to act unreasonable and try to kick up a fuss over something u have no control...

I managed to smile and make the point tt i wasn't happy in my poly days... And I am just about able to lead those kind of days again... Sarcastic but reasonable, emotional but cool, aggressive but passive, it's a hard balance to maintain and my friends used to help keep me in check. But i'm going to try this on my own... And i hope i do it good! =)

Ladies and gentlmen, let me remind u once again, don't try to play punk with me coz I won't take any shit from anybody.

Crazy Friday Night

I am alone... walking around NTU in NJC uniform... Am i nuts or am i nuts?

Uniforms

Haha!! Yuwen brought the uniforms!! And rushed into my room dressed in NJC and St Nick's uniforms!!! She and Raye damn funny lah!!! Then Limei and I changed into the uniforms also... Uniform Parade!!!

Looked like a bunch of school girls dunnoe looking for older siblings or someone in hall liddat... Haha! Then walked from 18 to 15 then to 14 then back to 18 2nd floor and take pictures and all... So corny!!! And I'm the only one in the group tt never been to JC one... Muahaha!!! So weird wearing their uniforms....

But so fun... wish i could wear school uniforms again...

Tml will be the first night for filming... SO excited... hehe!!! *giggly school girl*

Full stomach

Full... Sleepy... Nice cool weather... But I can't sleep...

Roller-coaster day... First bad news from home, saying I had failed my piano exams for the second time... And my mum was sort of blaming me for not holding on tightly to the opportunity tt she had given me... But after so many years, she still has not been able to come to terms with the fact tt it is different from studies where we can mug nearer to the end... I have put in my time and loads of effort and I really didn't want this to happen... How can she just say something like tt to hurt me without thinking of my feelings too....

Then the up-side... Kinda looking forward to the filming thingy with JK... Just heard the storyline today.... Haha! He smart... didn't tell me what is it first, but i'm ok with it one... He has already assured me tt everything will be very professional, nothing revealing (like duh, it's a school project..) and he has guaranteed me tt the male lead will be HANDSOME!!! (Kherray, don't worry, i still love u =P)

Like very fun... I think it'll be very funny filming in the middle of Orchard Road on a busy Saturday (1-3pm somemore!!! Wow!!) Dare not tell my mum about it... She'll not be quite able to take it tt i'm going to take on tt role... Bleh! Haha!!!!

Oh yes, Thanks yuwen for the uniform!!! I wonder what i'll look like in JC uniform... Very long never wear uniform liao...
Kinky~!!

Failure

I failed my Grade 8 Piano Exams... Again... And this was my last chance to get it...

Quote of the day

''Sex and looks does not mean you can get everything you want....''

Think twice before trying to sleep up the corporate ladder =)

Platonic Friendships

According to my dear friend, a girl can never have a guy best friend... If they are best friends now, it's only a matter of time before something happens... Tt is only if the guy in question is NOT GAY (i really have nothing against gay men. In fact, I know gay men happen to make the bestest, wildest, bitchiest, funniest bestie tt any girl can ask for...)

Personal opinion: I think it's kinda hard to imagine tt u can spend so much time with tt person and not slowly develop feelings for the other... Afterall, u 2 are hanging out so often because u enjoy each other's company (first criteria when falling in love, ain't it?) and u think he's a nice person (admit it, when someone asks for ur opinion about him, u smile to urself and mumble an inaudible ''he's nice.........'', yesh, complete with the trail off at the end).

To be able to be best friends with ur lover is important i think... Lust and passion of the honeymoon period will give way to mutual understanding and comforting love... As the years pass, even tt kind of romantic feeling may go but being best friends, u can love each other and care for each other until the end...

Think about it the next time someone approaches you and ask, ''Are u 2 together?'' and u try to shrug it off with a simple, ''We are just good/best friends...''

Last Quiz for the Sem

I finished the last quiz for this semester... Econs... 30%... And good lil genius (tt is me) actually was lucky enough to get 15/20!!! =)

Haha!!! I thank lady luck for being kind to me so far and please don't stop... I need all the luck i can have when it comes to academics!!! And while u are at it, pay a lil more attention to the love department... Ooh La La!!!

*check out the mega-watt grin, yesh, crooked teeth and all...* I'm going to put all my PASSION and all my DRIVE into studying... YESH!!! Nerdy season is here... Gonna be mountain tortoise again... Muahahahahaha~!!

P.S: Kherray and I have come up with a new term....
PMS - Psychology Mugging Session... Please do not disturb when we are having our PMS... Thank you... =P

Emotionally Drained

It can be so tiring but it has never hit me as strongly as tonight... Maybe it's the rain, or maybe it's the absence of my walking jukebox (my roomie), or maybe it's just me...

Sitting and waiting for something more to happen... This kind of one-sided longing is starting to sap me big time... Putting up the nonchalant strong facade is the worst thing i have to do everyday... Be bright and cheery so no one knows what i really feel inside...

I chastise myself each time i am standing at my door and i cautiously peek at his room door (no, i'm not stalking him, at least trying not to... haha!), I chastise myself each time my heart lurch when msn announces tt he has come online (my heart does a cartwheel so marvellous tt will make Vincent so proud) and I just can't help but smile each time he chats with me online without me initiating the conversation (these moments are so rare tt it can almost be classified as endangered)...

I never knew tt to love someone one-sided was so tough and painful... Lovely possibilities have probably flown out the window and I should look forward but I keep lingering, hoping tt a miracle might just happen... Is this karma?! I should have been nicer when rejecting ppl, at least i won't feel so guilty now...

I fill this empty room with songs but most songs talk about love... What's wrong with the world?!?! I might just have to start downloading National Day songs to drive all these melancholic (hehe!! 2pts for improved vocab) and depressing (pass me the Prozac) thoughts away... Bleh!!!

Love Buzz...

Oh my goodness~!! Tweeties a.k.a The Nuns Club is going to chui soon... The 5 main comm members who were the core at the HQ which is Blk 18 is at risk of disbanding... Love is in the air and everyone seems to be caught up in something...

Tonight, it's only going to be me and Raye (the one with the lan tao hua.. but it's still tao hua!), the 2 lil nuns still hanging around... Bleh!! Someone even went out to rara and left a note to tell me to study hard... How inspiring... =P

Then one went out to meet with ''old friends''... Dun noe true or not... The last one has rugby training (u are excused) so tt left me and Raye exchanging rueful looks as each SMS came pouring in to notify us of their absence this evening...

OH YAH!!!

The most HAPPENING NEWS of all... Limei and I went to sleep last night WITHOUT LOCKING THE DOOR!!! Like, how DANGEROUS is tt?!?! Apparently Limei had the ultimate heart attack when Dav came crashing through the door this morning...

A note to those who see this, please remind us to lock our doors at night before u say good night to us online... Luckily no one came creeping into the room in the middle of the night... *shudders*

Stupid Jeans...

I did the worst thing ever in the history of laundry washing....

I put my jeans together with the rest of my clothes to be washed... Now my favourite yellow tank-top has this bluish tinge to it... Argh!!! Luckily the rest were mostly dark-coloured shorts and tees so no damage there...

Let us observe a minute of silence to mourn the loss of the bright yellow tt my tank-top once was.... Boo hoo hoo!!! =(

Butt-ache

My butt is hurting... especially near the butt-bone (is tt what it's called?) area... Serious damage here... Haiz...

Seriously, cut me some slack... All tt locking is getting to me... It makes me feel old and saggy... Haha!!! I know it looks ugly when ur butt wobbles up there but all tt clamping of the butt muscles are making me walk like a dun-noe-what... Butt sticking out, leaning a little forward...

Well, the only consolation is, i should have a nice,firm, derriere at the end of it all... Move over Kylie and Beyonce, here comes A-K-I!!

P.S: ok fine, and Yuwen....

You've Got Mail

Watched it for the umpteenth time this morning... I dun noe why i'm such a sucker for this movie... Is it Meg Ryan's perky nose?? Or the beautiful New York scenery?? Or the romantic notion of the old-style bookshop?? After all, I was inspired by Chocolat to open my own confectionery shop and I wanted a shopfront just like Meg's bookstore... Sighz....

I was really into the confectionery shop... Talked to my sisters about it and all... It'll be a little like Essential Brew at Holland V (the shop layout) but much more cozy...

Lots of red and yellows and white... Big windows to bring in the natural light... Warm, orange lighting for tt dreamy feel... Small pots of greenery on the window sill and tt little bell at the door to welcome each guest tt walks in... A big glass showcase of the little desserts and sweets we have... Cushions, magazines and coffee-table books... Abstract paintings tt make their presence felt on the walls, mostly framed in dark wood...

Imagine walking in to be enveloped by the rich smell of coffee and chocolates (not the stinky type tt u can smell in Boon Lay), sitting down to a cup of hot English Breakfast while u daintily taste the souffle or cake... Or just curling up with ur loved one and feeding each other chocolate covered strawberries, courtesy of the fondue pot...


Sweet... Real sweet.... =)

Emotional Roller Coaster

Suddenly, i feel so unsure of myself... Find myself lost and i do see a way back but dun feel the need to follow it... So many ppl around but i feel the sick loneliness tt makes me hate myself for being weak... So many things to do but i let my mind wander, to ponder, to think, to muse, to reflect, to grieve...

I have officially lost myself and see nothing but emptiness ahead... Is living for the Now really what i want? Can i take the consequences tt tml will bring? Tt one moment of peace and illusion tt elevates my moods now may only cause me to spiral further down in the end...

Actually, i only want one thing... Just tt one thing... But it's beyond my reach... I only see my fingers grasp the shadow of it, and i think, it's all just a dream... A painfully beautiful dream tt only makes one grieve when one wakes from it...

Sometimes i wonder, if not for my own selfish desire to pacify my own emotions, will all these be happening now?? Would things have flowed another way and life would i have much more than the dream tt lingers in my mind?? I awaken from the dream, and see tt ghost depart, only to fall asleep again... And the next time i open my eyes, I can only pray for the return of tt dream... Soon...

A Letter To Di...

Hey girl,

u say u like my blogskin?? Everyone does... It sort of reminds me of the times when we were really carefree and just having a good time out with the girls... We weren't looking for attention or love, just enjoying each other's company and having fun... And coz we came across as so darn confident, we attracted the stares of guys anyway... Ha!!

We haven't been talking much and we might not have the clearest of picture of what is going on in each other's lives... BUT, at least we know the BIG stuffs... I miss the sober heart-to-heart we had over cofee and mindless window shopping tt we engaged in to unwind... And of course, the bitching sessions.... What's a girl to do without a bitching session??

Oh yah, a trip to Far East is on my priority list, after the exams, as my clubbing shoes (yesh, the pointed, black, low-heeled one) has died on me.... It has seen one too many dancefloors... And one too many platforms... It's fate was kinda sealed the moment we started hitting Devil's together... Haha!! By the way, after this period of time in NTU, I have not bumped into Bran as of yet... Not really keeping my eyes peeled for him though!!

Hope u are alright with empty weekends... Don't mind me saying this, but i think it's really shitty tt he can't accompany u on weekends... Like, if not weekends, then when?? He might be giving up time with u for the next 2 months ONLY but still, he needs to give u more consolation than tt to expect u to stick around... But if he's THE ONE then yah, hold on... It might pain u to be giving so much but still play second fiddle to his PASSION, but don't let go if u think u'll regret it... Somethings only come around once and if it's gone, it's never coming back...

Of course, we are young only once and if tt goes, it's gone too.... Don't sit around moping, maybe try something tt u have always wanted to do... Make urself feel good about being ''single'' and time will pass quickly...

I was talking to Joy (our Hall Queen) last night on the taxi and we were talking about school and love... She was saying tt she realised tt she had lost her feelings for her ex a long time ago and hall-life didn't give her a chance to mope but just got her to move on really fast... I understand what she means... Things here overwhelm u in a weird way...

I feel sort of cut off from the rest of the world when I'm here and it didn't give me much chance to dwell on the unhappy things... Things-to-do lists jsut get longer, friends are forever coming over to rara together, there are activitied to take part in... U simply dun have time to think about and reflect on the sad things tt happened before... Haha!! Really good therapy...

We might be experiencing different kind of Uni-life but i think u will know what i'm trying to say...

I really feel this is the last-stop station before I go back to being the non-chalant, defensive, i-need-no-one, perfectionist bitch... Haha!!! Tt is if i can become one again... =)

Love u girl, and write to me more often...

U know my email and Friendster testimonials are always welcomed... *grinz*

Indochine ~Holland V~

Long Island Tea is nice, but never follow it with a Strawberry Frozen Margarita... It made me feel like I could swim in the middle of Lorong Mambong... What the fuck!!

I like the feeling of ease that alcohol can bring... For a while, my incoherent speech and unexplainable behaviour is alright with everyone and I dun have to give a reason as to why I'm laughing or crying... Just tt lil moment of escape but it makes me feel a lil relieved tt i had the chance to release them out...

I'm not turning to alcohol full-time, dun get me wrong... But I think YW had a point when she said tt i drink and party only coz I want to forget somethings... The say she hit the nail on the head kinda scares me but I like the ring of truth tt's to it... At least i think i'm understanding myself a lil more...

I was talking to SL today. In fact, we had dinner... I just realised tt if I had agreed to the plan he had for me after graduation, NTU would be my last-stop for youth... At the age of 24, I would have been preparing to get married and rear a family of my own... It just struck me more vividly tonight, how not ready I am to settle down... Maybe the vow I made to my mum years back might just come true.... I might really not want to get married until i was 29... What does tt say about me? Am I normal in thinking tt way??

Life is short and youth is even shorter... I am desperately clutching at straws to keep me here when I'm only 20... It scares me to know tt a day will come when I have to move on to the next phase in life... I'm so not ready for it...

I want someone by my side to love me till the end of time, stroll with me hand in hand, watch our kids grow up, play with our grandkids and understand each other... But can't imagine settling down now, or in the next 5 years... Beyond tt time, most probably yes, but no.... Not now...