Numb

Now isn't the time to let myself fall apart... Not tt I want to... I somehow wish I could just cry and gently let it pass... But if I do, it'll just make me weak and down... I'm glad tt now, i have grown numb with anger... It's a sad kind of anger, the kind tt u feel but have no idea what or to whom it is against... Just pure, dull, aching anger...

I dun want to talk about it, or why I am feeling this strange emotion... If what happened before was denial then I have slipped into another type of denial... Repression seems to be my choice of defense mechanism when it comes to psychological and emotional impacts... I know it is one of the more harmful mechanisms to deal with things but it is the easiest form of escape for me... Not thinking, not discussing, not facing it properly... If i were to lament tt there wasn't closure, it might partly be my fault for not being brave enough to face it...

I'm not saying it was my fault tt things headed to an end like tt... But maybe it was... I dun noe... I wish i knew... i wish i could understand... Seeing things fall apart in my own hands was never typical of me and some might say, grow up, live with it... But i cannot and will not let myself see this kind of pattern as an unavoidable phase of life... I wasn't born to be miserable...

I can't make myself feel happy, even if I knew so many friends care for me and are watching out for me... So, I can only try to not be miserable... Numb myself...

For now, just let me numb myself.

And thank u (u know who u are) for saying tt i had already tried my best and tt i should be comforted for having hung on... Yah, i did everything tt i could do, gave everything tt i could give but i still couldn't do it... My best was never enough... It was all a waste.

But thank u for laughing with me amidst the insane tears and thank u for not sympathising... Thank u for just hugging me and i like what u said.

"Things tt have happened cannot be erased, but ppl are different... We can change to be a better and stronger person... Don't let yesterday spoil today and don't let tml frighten u..."

Thank u, I feel better now.