Shoulder Sit

It just crossed my mind today tt i sat on ur shoulder once... Long ago...

We were walking back under the MRT tracks from Tampines to Simei... We were talking about something and then you said you wanted to carry me on your shoulders... It was really long before cheerleading so I was really scared...

I wasn't really afraid that you would drop me, more worried about me being too heavy for you carry... It just crossed my mind... And I smiled, I don't know why...

Last night, I cried.

I couldn't sleep and I thought of you... I couldn't push you away...

I went to Tioman you know tt? A trip tt was meant to have been with you...

Mama bought me my 21st birthday gift last week... She wanted to get me diamonds... So i asked for a bracelet... She said she wanted to get me a set and asked if I wanted a necklace too... I told her tt I already have a diamond pendant tt you gave me for my 18th birthday...

The rocks she got me were definitely bigger... But I still like your pendant best...

After the time we shared, I wasn't able to withstand life without you... Looking for someone new wasn't coz I was just finding someone to replace u... But u are irreplaceable...

Shilong, when will you come back? My mum still talks about you... your name pops up at the most unexpected moments and it just hits me in the heart always... I feel like I can't breathe...

You can say tt time will erase the pain, tt I will eventually find someone else but he won't be you... I love you and wish you were here...

I am sick of the facade tt I have create and live... But I can't lie to myself tt it is not emptiness when I look at another and say "I love you"...

Hard to put down

It is the exam period now... Busy busy... Just finished my first paper, not much cause to celebrate since I still have 2 more papers to go and the next one is in 4 days...

I have been haunted by him... I just can't seem to put him away under lock and key... I am so afraid to open my drawer to see the box tt holds our photoes... So afraid to look into my jewellery box and see the ring tt he bought and the necklace he gave me for my 18th birthday... I sometimes wonder how I managed to make myself break up with him and how coolly I managed to pass the days after tt...

I had various activities to keep me busy, and saw him as a burden even... But now tt things have settled and I had time to think, carefully and clearly, the delay for the pain seems to have magnified it even more... I can't believe he is no longer beside me...

How is he now, and what is life like for him...?

Life hasn't been easy without you... I was probably the most pampered gf on planet earth then... You always knew what to do and you always knew how to make me feel better... It hasn't been easy, trying not to think of you as I try to cram psychology theories into my brain...

I didn't treat u well, did i? How I wish u could be here now, to see and feel the change in me... Coz losing u really made me crazy... I really want u back, to let u see, just how much I have changed... I really want to see u again...

But how can we? When u have moved on, so far ahead... Nobody wants to know that they are in the wrong, but I see for it myself, abide the late timing... I just wish that u could have remembered me as I am now, not tt selfish girl that passed on u...

I tried putting on our ring yesterday... For so long, it was a part of me... And it felt so nice to have it on again... I really miss u...

I miss u, do u know tt? It is so hard to talk about u... Everytime someone mentions ur name, my eyes tear... Everytime i try to say ur name, my voice cracks... I don't want to cry coz u are probably happily leading ur life and I want to celebrate tt for u too... But I just can't get over tt I am not a fixture in the new life of urs...

I wish u could just see how much I still love u.

Love Is...

When you are committed and care for each other...

When you understand that time will take away youth, beauty and agility...

But you will still want to hold each other's wrinkled hands and help each other along as the 2 of you take a slow stroll in the evenings...

To me, love was all these that he promised me...

Crappy Crampy Me

Ohhhh.... Am so glad the sun is not out... You see, I so badly wanted to go tanning again after last week.... But, my period had to choose this very moment to come... So my new bikini sits at the back of my drawer and will live to literally see the sun another day...

Kinda in love with the new-kini... Army green with lime coloured flower embroidery on the top... I think it's sporty and pretty at the same time... And the strings are quite thin... Good for tanning, definitely...

Let's talk about tt throbbing thump in my tummy... Have been popping chocolates like aspirins since 2 days before... Might be breaking out soon... Argh!!! And I am feeling tt sick lethargy when I can't will myself to do anything constructive and it is only what, Tuesday? I still have the rest of the week to survive...

Today a bestie gave me a distress call... I thought she was laughing until I realised tt weird sound was of her trying to choke back the tears... Be strong girl, and chill... Couples always, and I do mean ALWAYS, quarrel about stupid things. Silly things. Redundant things. Same, really... No matter, u still love each other and rock each other's world so there!!

Of course, any time u feel like sticking pins into his eyes coz u really can't stand him... Give me a call and I will try to be a bigger bitch just so the maternal instincts in u are shaken and start defending ur lover boy... Hehehehe!!!

After this Sunday's project submission, I can concentrate on exam revisions!!! Yay yay yay yay yay!!! And then it's the hols... Oh yes, moving home for the holidays... And working to increase the moolah factor in my bank!

Oh man, too much chocolates maybe, I am being hyper...

And Crystal, if u are reading this, dig this:
We are starting to pepper our conversation with Psych nideologies and concepts and theories... No wonder our other friends have a hard time trying to understand what we are trying to say... Do u realise how philosophical we sound when we talk like tt? But it helps I guess tt we understand each other when we talk... At least, when we talk about things in our life with the psych perspective, we understand and can relate... Who is gg to understand when we just say someone has a self-serving bias or explain the real idea behind prejudice?

AND

I need a back rub... I don't get stomach cramps (God bless, thank you so much for not giving tt to me) but I get lower back aches and tt is bad news when I want a good night sleep... Argh!!!

Alritey, back to CH 802... Fuck, I hate tt....

Last Hall Event

Cultural Night is over... That was the last hall event for this academic year...

One Year passes so fast... Too fast... What I held so dear in the past, I look back and see them diminishing into the horizon... Maybe I didn't realise that everytime I looked back, the memories had become smaller and blurry... Moving on seems so scary... Leaving familiarity behind...

I used to want the freedom to walk new paths without baggage and flit around to try things that I never experienced... But there are times when I am so scared of the unknown and I really wished that my past was around to provide the kind of comfort that only familiarity can give... I guess I never was that adventurous... Why try to be strong when I am not? Why resist the familiar warmth when I cannot tolerate the cool of strange surrondings?

Exams are coming and suddenly I think, it never was his fault that I thought Uni was the last stop station of youth and ignorance... It really is, with or without him... Time still will pass as fast and at the end I would end up being swept by the responsibilities of adulthood, with or without him... I projected him to be all that I didn't want when I must have known all along that it was going to be this way...

Do I still love him? Well, I do miss him but at the same time, I am afraid... The familiarity is gone and I don't know what will we share if we ever get back together again... Will we be able to pick up the pieces and really start over? Or will there always be this safety distance between us, just coz we don't want to hurt and get hurt again...?

Then again, will that be love? Or just familiar companionship? But then, passion will fizzle out, infatuation fades, our bodies will lose the beauty of youth... In the end, isn't it about the commitment and companionship? Even if our skin wrinkles and browns with age, we will still smile and hold hands as we take a stroll...

Shit, I can't go on... I am tearing...

Brain Juices Depleted

I have no energy to do anything constructive...

I am sorry, I really can make no sense tonight. And!! The best part is, I have been an avid fan of Yahoo Games for these past few hours...

Another month to exams... MUST!!! Work harder...

Dry Eyes Black Roots Pink Nails Too

Must get new contact lenses soon... My eyes are so dry... Gosh! It hurts!!!!

Anyway, like my new bright baby pink nails... So distracting... Find myself staring at them when I am typing on my laptop... Hehehe!!! And my toenails too...!!!!

And dye my hair... The roots are disgusting... Creeping me out!!!

What have I been up to??

I want to go swimming one of these days... I need a tanned tummy for the upcoming Navy Biathlon cheer performance... The routine is almost fixed... I am so happy!!!

I have to be more disciplined... Exams coming soon... And I still have a few more projects coming up! Assignments too... Let's see if I can do better this sem....

Flower Heart Carrot

I have a motivation in hall, and I am a flower heart carrot.... *grinz*

Another Day in Paradise

She calls out to the man on the street
’sir, can you help me?
It’s cold and I’ve nowhere to sleep,
Is there somewhere you can tell me? ’

He walks on, doesn’t look back
He pretends he can’t hear her
Starts to whistle as he crosses the street
Seems embarrassed to be there

Oh think twice, it’s another day for
You and me in paradise
Oh think twice, it’s just another day for you,
You and me in paradise

She calls out to the man on the street
He can see she’s been crying
She’s got blisters on the soles of her feet
Can’t walk but she’s trying

Oh think twice...
Oh lord, is there nothing more anybody can do
Oh lord, there must be something you can say

You can tell from the lines on her face
You can see that she’s been there
Probably been moved on from every place’cos she didn’t fit in there

Oh think twice...

Sick Tuesday

I dun like this feeling of lethargy tt comes with flu... Can't bring myself to do anything... Sian!!! And to think I still have so much to do... Sian!!!

I want to get well NOW!!!! I hate nose blocks and thumping heads... Sian!!!

Just did my laundry, managed to squeeze them all on the rack although Jame's laundry was on it too... Haha!!! Queen of squeezing!!!!

Blocked Nose

I am having a bad bout of flu.... It is travelling upwards.

It started from a sore throat right after hall bash and I thought well, downing lots of water and liang teh should help... The next day, I was sniffling away.... And the sore throat had not gone away yet...

And the next day, the sniffles had turned into a drippy and stuffed nose, causing me to breath through my mouth... Thus, I now look like a goldfish, gaping away.... I was woken up one night coz my nose was so stuffed tt I couldn't breathe!!!!

Sad... Now I am starting to have a headache...

112th Post

I didnt know I already have posted so many times... Anyway... Tml is Hall Bash... Gotham Penthouse... Where is tt?!?!?!?! But being with friends tt have partied together, it should be quite fun... Hahahaha!!!

The Term break week is almost over but havent done much... Sighz....

Term Break is Coming soon

The upcoming one week break sees me doing a lot of things....

(1) Study for HP203 Quiz
(2) Do HW101 Assignment 2
(3) Do HP203 Readings
(4) Read up on HP202 Textbook
(5) Arrange for Night Cycling on 3March

And I have to do something about my chocolate cravings.... Having an outbreak now...

I can't remember

Valentine's coming and suddenly I realised tt I can't remember what we did on the same day last year... I can't remember what he got me or where we went or what we did... Did we even celebrate it at all in the first place....?

I feel very lost that I can't remember... Even though I am trying hard to forget... Some of my cousins were sort of glad that I had "woken up" and decided that maybe the age gap was too much... Their advices were very much similar, saying that I was still young and tt I shouldnt think of settling down so fast... Tt I might have better plans for myself if I were to walk solo... But I still think about him now and then...

I rem how I used to call him up in the middle of the night when I really couldn't sleep and he would chat with me for a while... I rem how we scoured shops to get me a new pair of sports shoes... We finally decided on the model and colour together and he bought it for me... Tt pair has kept my feet safe eversince I started picking up sports again in NTU....

The wallet, he gave me as a Xmas present coz I was eyeing it for so long... The watch tt we looked for together too... The red bag tt he bought me, the last Xmas present from him...

He used to see my childish whims as just attempts to grab his attention so he laughed it off... He never had unkind words for me, even when joking... He took me as a priority and never picked on my bad points...

I guessed I meant the world to him once upon a time... But what about now?? What does he feel when he thinks of me?

BusyBusyBusy

Oh my goodness, so many things, so little time...

Friday: Submit HW1o1 Assignment 1 and also CH802 pairwork report... Lesson finish at 230 then come back hall pack bags and go home... Study for HP204 Quiz... 7 Chapters...

Saturday: Study again for HP204, hope I dun go crazy.... Go for Hall Prod in the evening at NAFA... Go back to hall...

Sunday: Collect flowers to wrap for Monday's event... Wrap flowers... Study again at night.

Monday: HP204 Quiz at 1130am. VDay event at 9pm so everything to be ready half hour before. Must rem to borrow amps from Hall Prod... Study for HP202 Quiz...

Tuesday: VDay and free day but have to study for HP 202 Quiz...

Wednesday: HP202 Quiz at 1030... Get to breathe a bit easy for the day...

Thursday: Have to ransack the HSS library for the necessary articles for project.

Friday: Hand in articles for the project... Night Cycling Recce at night...

All my pimples are popping out with all the stress!!!! And my period's coming soon too... Damn!!! All come at wrong timing lor!!!! Argh!!!!!

You're Beautiful -James Blunt-

My life is brilliant.

My life is brilliant. My love is pure.
I saw an angel. Of that I'm sure.
She smiled at me on the subway.
She was with another man.
But I won't lose no sleep on that,'Cause I've got a plan.

You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.
I saw your face in a crowded place,
And I don't know what to do,
'Cause I'll never be with you.

Yeah, she caught my eye, As we walked on by.
She could see from my face that I was, Fucking high
And I don't think that I'll see her again,
But we shared a moment that will last till the end.

You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.
I saw your face in a crowded place,
And I don't know what to do,
'Cause I'll never be with you.

You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.
There must be an angel with a smile on her face,
When she thought up that I should be with you.
But it's time to face the truth,
I will never be with you.

It's been Sooooo Long

Been a real long time since I blogged... Nothing much has been happening... Just back from CNY long weekend and I feel even more tired than if there wasnt this weekend... All tt visiting and walking around has sort of tired me out...

Papa came back and it was quite fun to see him again... Sadly, I don't feel so much of a connection anymore... He's here then he's gone... Only mama seemed really affected and we consoled her saying tt she'll be gg over for a break in May anyway and moving back for good at the end of the year...

Oh yes, I have to call the Japanese Embassy and ask them the procedure for cancelling my citizenship... Kinda sad to let it go... What I used to take for granted... Now, I am a Singaporean of a Japanese race... Kinda makes me feel even more lost as to what my heritage would be and what kind of person am I expected to be...

I have 2 quizes just before the term break and another right after... I have a report to hand in next friday and I have posters to draw up for baolin... hehe!!! Busy busy!!! Finally at work leh me!!!

Blue and Yellow

and it's all in how you mix the two
and it starts just where the light exists
it's a feeling that you cannot miss
and it burns a hole through everyone that feels it

well you're never gonna find it
if you're looking for it won't come your way
well you'll never find it
if you're looking for it
should've done something but I've done it enough
by the way your hands were shaking
rather waste some time with you

and you never would have thought in the end
how amazing it feels just to live again
it's a feeling that you cannot miss
it burns a hole through everyone that feels it

well you're never gonna find it
if you're looking for it won't come your way
well you'll never find it
if you're looking for it
should've done something but I've done it enough
by the way your hands were shaking
rather waste some time with you
should've said something but I've said it enough
by the way my words were faded
rather waste some time with you
waste some time with you
waste some time with you
waste some time with you
waste some time with you
waste some time with you

should've done something but I've done it enough
by the way your hands were shaking
rather waste my time with you
should've said something but I've said it enough
by the way my words were faded
rather waste my time with you
should've done something but I've done it enough
by the way my hands were shaking
rather waste some time with you

waste some time with you
waste some time with you
waste some time with you
waste some time with you
waste some time with you
waste some time with you
waste some time with you

[whispering:]
should've done something but I've done it enough
by the way your hands were shaking
rather waste some time with you

Will the Rain Please stop?

I hope the rain stops soon... It's causing a headache when we want to train for our cheerleading... Damn, it's only a few more days...

Rainy Days

Somehow, the rain reminds me of him... His homely body would always suggest curling up at home and watching downloaded movies when it was rainy... He used to hug me really tightly like a koala would to a tree... Just tt I am pretty small a tree as compared to him...

I used to want to go out all the time... But now, I can't even whine about tt to him anymore...

Last night my mum called before cheerleading... And she asked me about him... And she asked me what was it i really wanted... I tried to explain the emotions tt i had before everything became what it is today...

I told her very frankly tt I don't know if I can ever feel at peace with myself over this... Was giving him up really going to be worth it in the end... Or will I realise tt it was all a big mistake... Mama said tt if we were fated to be together, we will be together in the end, even after all this big hooha... And if we were not, no matter how long we stayed together, we will not be happy in the end...

She said to accept things as they are now and move on with my life... Not to think too much and just breathe easy... I do think of him sometimes, even now... In between lessons, I have the urge to call him... No matter how busy he was, he would always listen and chat till I needed to go... I really liked tt... He made me feel important...

When I come online, I take a peek to see if he is... I know tt even if he was online, I wouldn't know what to say to him, but seeing him there once, really made my heart skip a beat... I wonder...

Actually all I want is a man who will love me through all times and be there for me right at the end of it all and tell me tt we were happy and will continue to be... After all the youth and beauty is gone, the energy and passion dies, will I be left with a companion tt loves me and cares?? I knew I always believed tt i had found tt in him but, now tt he's gone, will i ever find another??

Do I still love him?

Settled

It's been a while since I last blogged... In free access now so the keyboard feels a little foreign to me... Typing really slowly...

It's a rainy day and I feel very tired... Monday and all... Tml is supposed to be a public holiday but since Cheer comp is coming up so fast, we are gg to have 2 shifts of training tml... Once in the afternoon then again at night... 2 shifts of 4 hours...

I am feeling a little more settled now, more calm and not so sad or anything... Throwing myself into Cheer seems like a really good idea... This is the start of a hellish week and I don't know if I can take it onot... My period just came so, Argh~!! Will be feeling irritable, stressed, tired and extra sensitive I guess... Please offer me tender loving care...

I have yet to place my cosmetic orders with papa... Have to remind myself to do it later tonight or tml...

Maybe tml, since I will have the morning free and I don't intend to be clubbing anytime soon this period of time coz of Cheer... Have to wash the floor rags also... Throw into the washing machine and just let it spin clean...

Sometimes I wonder if I am brave enough to not keep thinking and regretting and imagining all the "might-have-been"s and the "maybe"s... May I be as strong as ppl perceive me to be, to be firm with my decision and not regret, and accept whatever fate brings me coz of my decision and to make the most of all tt life will be after him...

I never knew a man who loved me so much, but he said tt is only coz he was the first... There will be other ppl who will show me how promising a future together may be, but there can only be one tt I will share my life with eventually... Like my dad siad, he is a good man and my dad was kinda sorry to see him go but they will all support my decision... One thing, I can never blame anyone else for anything tt happens coz the decision was always mine...

Shit, I am talking about him again... I really have to learn...

Fucking Broke

It's tt time again when expenses go up due to exorbitant prices of textbooks... I just bought this textbook for the Craft of Writing class and this teeny weeny book costs me $30.50... And why is tt so?? The lecturer happily told us tt this book cannot be found in Singapore and had to be specially imported into Singapore tt's why it was so expensive... Pui!

I didn't get the beloved MS8001 tt is Management with Humour... Bloody Hell... So shall standby my laptop to add CH802 tt is Intro to Bio and Chem Ind... Non-examinable too... Please let me get tt...

And I won at mahjong yesterday... But at dinner time, YY cleared my wallet and left me with $2 in it coz we had gone to KBox the other day and we had not paid her yet for tt... I still owe her $8 even now... Damn...

And I want to buy groceries later... But think again... Maybe I can tahan a bit more... Can only get money next week... So sad!!!

Shall draw a bit on my calendar... The Hello Kitty looks cute but can do with some of my details on it.... Haha!!! Gosh, I need sleep... It's a wonder Limei managed to wake me up today for the lecture, but it was a total waste of my good one hour... Could have slept in... At least I have already bought my textbook for this class... It's like a creative writing class... Dun noe what it is really for though...

Bruised Ankles

OMG!!!

It's like in those ghost shows... U have a nightmare tt a ghost was grabbing ur ankles and u wake up to find tt it was all a dream.... But maybe it wasn't coz there are finger marks bruised onto ur ankles... haha!!!

Just tt my bruise marks' sources are pretty obvious... the strong hands of Dan left the marks on my ankles... So tt I can go up onto Emos' shoulders... Haha!! But yesterday, sweat out everything, felt so good...

Kinda pissed at myself tt I couldn't get myself to do the twist cradle then Jesse had to make changes to the routine... Haha!! But others were really encouraging and it felt good... But I wanted to bang my head against the wall when I became such a crybaby in front of all of them... SO PAISEH!!!! Pui!!!

Angel Shoes

I just remembered tt the very shoes tt protect my feet during training was a gift from him tt he calls Angel Shoes... For my 20th birthday nonetheless...

Shilong & I

I would like to tell the story of Shilong and me... Just coz I don't want myself to ever forget all the wonderful things this man has done for me... On 1 Jan 2006, a part of me officially died and I don't want to stop remembering how wonderful this man is...

Two and a half years, neither long nor short, were spent with this man tt I used to dream of marrying... He was the first to ever make me feel secure enough to want to settle down and he was the only one man whom I could always confidently say tt he was mine... He never made me worry about us and his open-ness and honesty was probably one of the best qualities tt I really treasured...

On my 18th birthday, he gave me my first diamond... It wasn't big but it was a diamond pendant nonetheless and the card tt he wrote to me touched me so much tt I just cried... We had only been going out barely 2 months then, but he was so sure about his feelings for me tt it really hurt... His every loving gesture made my heart ache for him...

I still remembered how I cried coz I had forgotten to get him a birthday cake the first year we were together and I really felt lousy about it... But he was alright with it, consoling me even though it was his birthday...

Then there was the time when I bought him a soft toy tt I named Tutu... This round yellow chick with the pouting mouth... We used to imagine what Tutu would do if it was alive and we would laugh about it... He carried Tutu to and fro from work just coz I commented tt Tutu might not like staying in the dark office all alone after work hours...

All the little things, tt made me feel like the most pampered princess... He brought me clubbing just so he can keep an eye on me and make sure I stayed out of harm's way... And when work fatigue drew me away from him during my attachment days, he didn't complain but instead, thought of ways to bring me back... He got a gift box and packed it with a paid voucher for a full body massage and a facial just so I can relax and rest my body. There was a pack of fine chocolates to perk me up when I felt down at work and also a bottle of vitamins so tt my health didn't suffer... He even wanted to surprise me so he left it at the concierge counter when I wasn't on shift and left it there so tt I will receive it first thing in the morning... I realise tt most times tt I cried, it was only coz he had done something to move me to tears...

I think I have been very unfair to him... My moodswings and lack of stability in emotions have always rocked his boat but he had always strived to make sure the lake was always peaceful for me... And I know I was the very reason why he was working hard for and We were the very reason why he was trying so hard for...

Someone said to me tt, the worse thing for a guy is to have been working really hard but realising tt in the end, he has nothing... Shilong was trying so hard to contain his emotions and be cool about it but in the end, I made him cry... I didn't know how to make him feel better and I know I didn't have a right to console him either and it just made me sad... Tt maybe, I had done just tt... Taken away the reason why he was doing what he was doing, working, saving, planning, upgrading himself.. Working so hard for??

Even now, I have to admit I miss the kind of stability and security tt I know I can find in him but do I have a right to regret?? To call him and ask, how are you??

He has put up with a lot and I know tt he really loved me... Ppl normally claim tt they have loved another truly but I can confidently say tt he has loved me unconditionally and I have failed him... I have failed to give him the only thing he had been hoping for from me...

I gave up a promised secure relationship for what I imagine to be a more exciting and adventurous life tt I can have with the freedom tt marriage might take away... Am I silly?? Will I ever regret this day?? I just can't erase the tear-stained face tt he had , and the great pride tt made him swallow those tears back... I know he must have been screaming inside... I guess I did most of the screaming back home, into my pillow, still unsure if I have made the right choice...

I feel so sorry tt I hurt him and I feel so thankful tt he was such a wonderful person to be with and for all the wonderful things he did and for being the wonderful person tt he is...

I think this blog is never gg to be enough to describe all the fine things and sacrifices he has made for me... Will I ever find someone tt loves me as deeply as he did??