Two and a half years, neither long nor short, were spent with this man tt I used to dream of marrying... He was the first to ever make me feel secure enough to want to settle down and he was the only one man whom I could always confidently say tt he was mine... He never made me worry about us and his open-ness and honesty was probably one of the best qualities tt I really treasured...
On my 18th birthday, he gave me my first diamond... It wasn't big but it was a diamond pendant nonetheless and the card tt he wrote to me touched me so much tt I just cried... We had only been going out barely 2 months then, but he was so sure about his feelings for me tt it really hurt... His every loving gesture made my heart ache for him...
I still remembered how I cried coz I had forgotten to get him a birthday cake the first year we were together and I really felt lousy about it... But he was alright with it, consoling me even though it was his birthday...
Then there was the time when I bought him a soft toy tt I named Tutu... This round yellow chick with the pouting mouth... We used to imagine what Tutu would do if it was alive and we would laugh about it... He carried Tutu to and fro from work just coz I commented tt Tutu might not like staying in the dark office all alone after work hours...
All the little things, tt made me feel like the most pampered princess... He brought me clubbing just so he can keep an eye on me and make sure I stayed out of harm's way... And when work fatigue drew me away from him during my attachment days, he didn't complain but instead, thought of ways to bring me back... He got a gift box and packed it with a paid voucher for a full body massage and a facial just so I can relax and rest my body. There was a pack of fine chocolates to perk me up when I felt down at work and also a bottle of vitamins so tt my health didn't suffer... He even wanted to surprise me so he left it at the concierge counter when I wasn't on shift and left it there so tt I will receive it first thing in the morning... I realise tt most times tt I cried, it was only coz he had done something to move me to tears...
I think I have been very unfair to him... My moodswings and lack of stability in emotions have always rocked his boat but he had always strived to make sure the lake was always peaceful for me... And I know I was the very reason why he was working hard for and We were the very reason why he was trying so hard for...
Someone said to me tt, the worse thing for a guy is to have been working really hard but realising tt in the end, he has nothing... Shilong was trying so hard to contain his emotions and be cool about it but in the end, I made him cry... I didn't know how to make him feel better and I know I didn't have a right to console him either and it just made me sad... Tt maybe, I had done just tt... Taken away the reason why he was doing what he was doing, working, saving, planning, upgrading himself.. Working so hard for??
Even now, I have to admit I miss the kind of stability and security tt I know I can find in him but do I have a right to regret?? To call him and ask, how are you??
He has put up with a lot and I know tt he really loved me... Ppl normally claim tt they have loved another truly but I can confidently say tt he has loved me unconditionally and I have failed him... I have failed to give him the only thing he had been hoping for from me...
I gave up a promised secure relationship for what I imagine to be a more exciting and adventurous life tt I can have with the freedom tt marriage might take away... Am I silly?? Will I ever regret this day?? I just can't erase the tear-stained face tt he had , and the great pride tt made him swallow those tears back... I know he must have been screaming inside... I guess I did most of the screaming back home, into my pillow, still unsure if I have made the right choice...
I feel so sorry tt I hurt him and I feel so thankful tt he was such a wonderful person to be with and for all the wonderful things he did and for being the wonderful person tt he is...
I think this blog is never gg to be enough to describe all the fine things and sacrifices he has made for me... Will I ever find someone tt loves me as deeply as he did??
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