I wonder...

why honesty does not come easily for some people. Honesty was not my forte when I was younger but to a certain extent, I can understand that it can be driven by an implicit motivation and the lie wasn't born out of wanting to hurt. But then again, when others have already cleared the way for you, why do you still lie and insist you do not want to walk the easier path that others have willingly created for you??

If you lie to avoid hurting that person now, when it's uncovered later, it will hurt more. At least, that was what I learnt through my own mistakes. If you lie to put up appearances, when it's uncovered later, it will be even more embarrassing. Sometimes with much more dire consequences than if the truth was told upfront. The ego can take over easily in some people and that's when something like that can happen.

Although I am the eldest among 3 sisters, I also learnt that I am not perfect and that I don't have to insist on being perfect. It would be nice if I was, but I just wasn't made to be that way. I learnt that I am not always right and my sisters don't have to listen to me just because I am older. In the past, I allowed my ego to take over often. I thought I was shielding them but I only put them through more pain when they found out. I let my ego take over and lied to cover up but the delay in revealing the truth only magnified the shame. I remember how painful it was to be told that they don't know what is true and what is not true anymore. That's why I stopped. I also lead a life where lies are unnecessary now. =) As you can see, they may be younger, but the purer state of their hearts are wiser than mine.

So maybe, just maybe, you can come down from the pedestal that others before us have put you on and remove your head from among the clouds. They may have protected you before but we are not them. We can't do the same for you. At least, not again and again. I know we sound more impatient than them but that is the truth I guess.

If only you knew, how you make us feel. If only you knew what she told me yesterday. The feeling of incompleteness. Those were her words. Very abstract, I know, but I understood exactly what she was trying to say. And the non-chalant attitude from her... That just shows the intensity of the damage. She is never non-chalant so if you had been there, I am sure it would have torn you apart. And maybe then, you will wake up.

I've hit a new low

I cannot remember a time when things mattered to me. I just feel very low. It feels like there is a lot of negative energy around me and I am not trying to get away from it. I feel so down. I just do not have the energy to care.

I can't tell the difference between what is real and what is a joke. I can't tell what is important and what is not. I can't tell what is worth it and what is not. I don't know where I should be concentrating my energy on so that I can feel good about myself again.

Then again, I dunnoe who am I. Last night, a friend was describing a girl and saying well, basically this girl is good at looking after others, gentle and caring. And this friend said, basically this girl is similar to me. I was listening to him telling a story but at that moment my concentration lapsed. I asked myself, am I really like that? Since when did I become like that?

I never knew myself to be like that.

My mother can tell you that I don't like doing housework and at home, she needs to nag me to move my butt. She used to scold me coz after I cook, I don't like cleaning up. I didn't like the gender inequality back in Japan and felt very repressed each time I went back but then again, someone said I am submissive. I don't like to manja my dad even though I know I just have to act cute a bit and he will be in a better mood.

I used to think I am a very strong girl with a tough personality and a really acidic mouth. I used to say the meanest things to counter any insult or undesirable comment that came my way. I used to swear as well as the next sailor.

Was the old ME the real ME or is the new Me the real ME?

But then again, I don't think this feeling of "low-ness" has any direct connection to an identity crisis. Maybe I am JUST feeling this way, period. =(

The Pimple of the Year

The pimple that I described has healed but a new neighbour shifted in not too far from it. It is even worse than the last one lah!!! 3 days already but it's still there... Using the Nex-care acne patch now as recommended by Adam. Kindly sponsored by him also. I hope it heals soon. It hurts too much. Bleh!

I pledge...

... to become very good at statistics. I will chiong my statistics. I know I can do it. I am not stupid. I just need to spend a little more time getting to know the statistics more. I just need to try to understand it better. It shall be my new lover.

I will learn his habits, why he behaves in such a manner and what I should do to get the answers that I want. I know I can do it. No more negative thoughts. I will make him fall.

HP305 Project

is a pain in the ass. It drains me too much. Makes me feel incompetent. I don't really want to know my HP305 Quiz results either.

How to make myself smarter in 3 weeks?? A bit hard right??

Things that happen to me

Here I am, in my bedroom, on my very pink bed, in an even darker very pink PJs and my laptop on my lap (where else?). My nose is peeling. Thanks to that tanning session, my nose and my cheeks are peeling. Like you know how we make shallow incisions into tomatoes and then pop them into hot water so that the skin will come off easily? Yeah, tt's about it. All those hydration masks and I am still peeling, almost a week later. It can only happen to me.

I also donated blood today. A good deed. If I can't be a doctor to save lives than I might as well do something good with what my body can offer. It hurts just for that while when the needle is gg in but after tt it's fine. And today was my third time donating blood. I was finally able to look at my own bag of blood. Someone is gg to live because my blood is flowing in him or her. Isn't tt cool?

Some people wait till they die to donate their organs so that someone else can live. But blood, we can regenerate it again and it really doesn't cause us any harm. I strongly advocate donating blood. If you haven't gone before, don't be afraid. Just remember that one day, it could be you needing that additional bag of blood. It's not money. It's more precious than that.

Izyan was very happy that she passed the tests to donate blood today which I think is really cool. We were kidding around but I guess I would be disappointed too if I couldn't donate my blood. It's just one bag from us, but that one bag can mean life or death to someone else. I don't normally respond to SMSes for urgent blood donation but when the drives come straight up in school, I really don't see any reason how I can ignore it.

I didn't feel too good after donating today though, felt a little drained and weak. Adam was kind enough to send me home even though he had already made plans with WC. He had to push the gym session back. He is nice sometimes. =)

Next, I have a pimple on my chin. Just 1 cm from the corner of my mouth, on the left of my chin. It is one of those akan datang pimple where it's not red yet, just a visible bump. It almost looks like a mosquito bite but yeah, IT HURTS A BLOODY HELL LOT!!!

Tml, I shall not attempt any high-risk activities like writing my project report, or studying statistics, or reading Venus' book chapters... I have less blood in me now. If I do any of those activities, my brain will need all the blood then my body might go into shock and I might die. Because of lack of blood. Shall not even set an alarm, I shall just wake up when my body is ready and rest well for the night activities. By then, I should be as fit as a fiddle again!!

A good use of time

I shall wake up every weekday morning at 8a.m. from now on so that I can complete some work in the morning before I go to school. This is because I end up not doing any work if I wake up any later because I will think, "It's only 2 hours until I have to leave for school so nvm, watch tv..."

This way, I can go out in the evenings after my lessons without feeling guilty. I will also be able to enjoy my weekends more. =)

So smart right?? Hahaha!!

Right, now, more circles to measure.

Projects

I have read through my project papers for this semester. I dunno if there is a conspiracy gg on but both profs gave out the details of the projects at the same time. Like, just a week ago! Why give them out so late?? I feel like now it will become a rush to complete both.

HP320 is turning out not too bad. Some reading to do to make sure my format is correct and to check what are the 5 steps that I need to complete. Also, it's an on-going program so it might take up really a bit of my time.

HP305, I want to do the chocolate pudding scenario!!! It looks so interesting!! Plus, it's about food. Minus point is, I dunno what kind of extra readings we can do on it. Cooking reviews??

Tanning Salon

I went to try out the tanning salon at Raffles Place yesterday with Adam. It was my first time so it was quite exciting. For Adam, He goes there almost every week coz he's so fair, his tan needs to be maintained regularly.

Anyway, I am hurting right now!! So painful. Although the whole process is only 10 minutes but I guess the tanning is so intense tt I really got burnt. I am not charcoal black, by the way. I am slathering on the moisturisers like no one's business. I even did a hydration mask.

I totally forgot tt I tan much easier than Adam and well, my tan stays for the longest period of time. I think I will be moisturising my body twice a day and my face could do with repeated moisturising throughout the day.

If I ever do go again, I will remember to moisturise before even stepping into the capsule. But the tan came out nicely. Woohoo!!

Data Entry

Not bad, I finished the 30 papers in less than an hour, including the demographics information. I just have some more measuring to do. The long plastic ruler is gg to be my good friend and see me through this ordeal.

Hope I can finish everything tonight. I am sacrificing a Friday night to do this thing. I cannot believe myself. Am so saintly just staying in. =)

I hate measuring lines. I will become cross-eyed soon.

Withdrawal Symptoms

Last night, he said that he was seeing so much of me that he thinks he will get withdrawal symptoms if we had to be seperated for long periods of time. It felt nice to hear that, but I had to go and say,

"So, do you want to see less of each other?"

Oh, dammit.

But yes, sometimes I do wonder if we should spend less time together. But then again, it doesn't feel right to me. Last night, Fernn blamed Adam for the damage done to her phone.

Because Adam couldn't meet earlier so she thought she'll have time to do her nails. So she did her nails and because she did her nails, she couldn't hold her phone properly and so she dropped it. And I think some part of it chipped off. Adam didn't feel guilty about it, wells, coz it is really not his fault is it??

And so I told WC that he couldn't meet them earlier because he was having dinner with me and my family. And WC told Adam that he could have just told them about his "constraints" why he has to meet later and they would understand.

Firstly, what constraints?! I don't think those are constraints. WC should just get a girl to occupy his time more.

Secondly, why didn't Adam just tell them? Is it a bad thing to be eating dinner over at my place that he can't just inform his friends? Was he afraid that they will kick up a fuss?

Thirdly, he is just smoking more, not cutting down. Even if he said he will definitely quit by the time he ORDs, it doesn't make sense that he has to increase his smoking. Seriously, WC and Fernn are just reinforcing his smoking habits. He just smokes so much more when he is with them.

I so don't like them right now.

My Organizer

I almost lost it. Thank God I found it.

I am so reliant on tt stack of papers binded together. I dunno what I will do w/o it. Phew!!

YES!!

Thursday is officially over so that means... THE QUIZZES ARE OVER!!!

Ringo's one was kinda a bit of a killer but since everyone felt the same way, well, all I can say is, "Thank God for normal distributions... I totally, totally love bell-curves..."

GP testing in the afternoon wasn't as dreadful as I was expecting it to be... Time past quite fast and it was actually fun to just sit there and talk and hang out and do stupid things... Like "lizard" ourselves to the wall... Another round of testing to be done tml.

It's sad that we have to go back to school on saturday. I mean, I have already gone to school on a saturday once for Spanish already, no reason why I would skip this one since it's stats... I think the only thing that really motivates me to go is tt, I KNOW for certain that I will not understand anything at all if I dun go. Reading the chapters are not much help really...

Today, I am gg to sleep early and rest my mind. I felt so bad when Adam told me I was grinding my teeth again last night. His sleep was disturbed but he was more awake than me this morning. I kept dozing off in the car. He has duty today so I hope he gets to rest properly tml night.

Actually, I think he is treating me better and better. It helps to keep the insecurity off and I actually feel less guarded around him now. I feel more relaxed, more confident that he loves me. And when he needs help, I find myself more willing to do things for him. In the beginning, I felt obliged in a certain sense, but I don't feel tt way. Maybe coz I know it will be reciprocated.

Ok, I seriously need a hot shower then, just nua in bed. Maybe he'll call later. *Ting* =)