I've hit a new low

I cannot remember a time when things mattered to me. I just feel very low. It feels like there is a lot of negative energy around me and I am not trying to get away from it. I feel so down. I just do not have the energy to care.

I can't tell the difference between what is real and what is a joke. I can't tell what is important and what is not. I can't tell what is worth it and what is not. I don't know where I should be concentrating my energy on so that I can feel good about myself again.

Then again, I dunnoe who am I. Last night, a friend was describing a girl and saying well, basically this girl is good at looking after others, gentle and caring. And this friend said, basically this girl is similar to me. I was listening to him telling a story but at that moment my concentration lapsed. I asked myself, am I really like that? Since when did I become like that?

I never knew myself to be like that.

My mother can tell you that I don't like doing housework and at home, she needs to nag me to move my butt. She used to scold me coz after I cook, I don't like cleaning up. I didn't like the gender inequality back in Japan and felt very repressed each time I went back but then again, someone said I am submissive. I don't like to manja my dad even though I know I just have to act cute a bit and he will be in a better mood.

I used to think I am a very strong girl with a tough personality and a really acidic mouth. I used to say the meanest things to counter any insult or undesirable comment that came my way. I used to swear as well as the next sailor.

Was the old ME the real ME or is the new Me the real ME?

But then again, I don't think this feeling of "low-ness" has any direct connection to an identity crisis. Maybe I am JUST feeling this way, period. =(