Merry Xmas

Yes, I am back, came back on the 23rd actually but have been severely jet-lagged to do anything except to eat and sleep. =) I am looking forward to the new year already.

Bye to Prague, Hello to Berlin

Tml morning we will be leaving Prague to take the train that will bring us to Berlin!! I've already marked out the places that I want to visit and also the eateries that we can try.

The sights are concentrated in mostly one area and I dun really want to go to the museums but some of the places are worth a visit. I guess. And I want to go to AT LEAST 1 Beergarden... If I can find vacuum-packed sausages I think I will buy back to Singapore too. I am also starting to realise that I have not bought any souvenirs... The things that I keep thinking of buying are the foodstuffs. Not one souvenir for myself even. Then again, why would I want magnets and picture postcardsof the places that I have visited?? Hmm...

Halfway through my trip in Europe and my dark eye rings are gone even though I have been sleeping less. Amazing eh?? Hehe!!

Things I have bought so far:
- 2 tops from Zara (Barcelona)
- 1 top and 1 belt from Bershka (Barcelona)
- 1 faux leather cap from Terrazona (Prague)
- 1 red ear-muffs from street-side stall (Prague)
- 1 face moisturiser from Sephora (Prague)
- 2 lace display cloths from Old Town Hall Market (Prague)

Other things I intend to buy to bring home:
- Sausages from Berlin
- Cookies from Harrods
- Thai Sweet Chili chips from London
- Haribo sweets

I have taken many pictures so far, even of the foods that I have eaten. It is indeed a great Great GREAT miracle that I am still able to fit into my jeans. After Berlin, I won't be doing anymore laundry.. Hehe!! Poor mama will then have to deal with all the dirty clothes when I get back.

Till the next time I have free time to blog on free internet. =)

P.S: Adam almost got pick-pocketed in Barcelona. That's why I dun like Barcelona. I keep having to look over my back when I walk on the streets even before that incident. Prague is so much better. The people here are really less sleazy and "oily". I love Prague.

Message to self from Barcelona

I am blogging from the common room at the HelloBCN hostel in Barcelona!! We covered a lot of ground yesterday and today. We have visited Port Vell adn walked up La Rambla to see the Plaza de Catalunya. Saw Picasso Museum (from the outside), Sagrada Famillia, Le Pedrera and also the Santa Maria cathedral.

As usual, ate a lot of food today also. =) I am glad, coz I dun mind spending on food when overseas. We also revisted the Giant Zara and H&M tt we walked past yesterday.

But I think my stamina is not there. My lower back aches so much from all the walking and the standing around!! To tell you the truth, Barcelona is not as fantastic as I thought it to be. Maybe coz all the things that are must-see are not consolidated so I haven't seen everything yet. Tml we are going to Parc Guiell (is the spelling right? I dun noe...) and I know we will see more of Gaudi´s work tml. Looking forward to it. =)

Europe bound

All tt is left is for me to sleep... When I wake up tml morning, I will be on my way to the airport to board the plane tt will bring me to a totally different time zone. I will only need to chuck my make-up bag and my 2 coats into the luggage tml morning. OMG, I am so f-ing excited!!!

Alright, before I get too excited, I shall go rest now. Good bye everyone for now. Will update again when I come back!!

Countdown to Europe

It's only 2 days away. I can't believe we are finally leaving for Europe!! I will have to do some last min packing tml but who cares?! I am so excited...

I still have to finish Adam's bday present part 2 though. Will post a pic of the present when I am done. Whoosh!!

Eye Bags

I need more sleep... I know it sounds weird that I am lamenting about such a thing when it is supposed to be my holiday period but really... I dunno why I dun have enough sleep.

Weirdo.

*Planner

For the last semester of school. I realise I have already run out of subjects to take as electives. Do you know how bloody hard I had to squint and look around before I found anything decent that sits well with my other commitments in terms of time?

I had to factor in tuition as well as free lifts (arranged it so that Adam can pick me up after work so I get to sit comfortably in his car and listen to The Married Men on 91.3FM after school/tuition). Then of course there was the matter of not waking up too early. So many things to consider.

If all goes well, I should have a 2-day week which includes tuition with Tracy in Boon Lay. That would be really good don't you think so? Of course, nothing can beat Crystal's record 1-subject semester. Seriously girl, do we even consider that as an education?? =P

So the fastest-finger first competition will all be on Monday (time TBA) and when will the results of our subject registration be released? And what about our exam results?

Should happen ard the time of Eurotrip but I couldn't care less. I will be enjoying myself on the other side of the planet and I will be having a spanking good time!!

I can't wait

I know that I still have to study for my Spanish paper and I still have Venus' exams tml but really, I can't wait leh!!! I am also counting down to Europe... It's just both something to look forward and something to NOT look forward to. Coz, we will be travelling with other ppl, it doesn't quite fit my notions of a romantic European getaway. Back to Spanish for a while. Head dizzy from lack of sleep.

Jason Mraz - Lucky

Do you hear me,
I'm talking to you
Across the water across the deep blue ocean
Under the open sky
oh my, baby I'm trying

Boy I hear you in my dreams
I feel your whisper across the sea
I keep you with me in my heart
You make it easier when life gets hard

I'm lucky I'm in love with my best friend
Lucky to have been where I have been
Lucky to be coming home again
Oooohhhh oohhhh ohh ooohh ooohh oooh oooh

They don't know how long it takes
Waiting for a love like this
Every time we say goodbye
I wish we had one more kiss
I'll wait for you I promise you, I will

I'm lucky I'm in love with my best friend
Lucky to have been where I have been
Lucky to be coming home again

I'm lucky we're in love in every way
Lucky to have stayed where we have stayed
Lucky to be coming home someday

And so I'm sailing through the sea
To an island where we'll meet
You'll hear the music, feel the air
I'll put a flower in your hair

Though the breezes through trees
Move so pretty you're all I see
As the world keeps spinning round
You hold me right here right now

I'm lucky I'm in love with my best friend
Lucky to have been where I have been
Lucky to be coming home again

I'm lucky we're in love in every way
Lucky to have stayed where we have stayed
Lucky to be coming home someday

Ooohh ooooh oooh oooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
Ooooh ooooh oooh oooh ooh ooh ooh ooh

Time flies

Exactly one week from now, my exams will be over... How fast is tt??

Thanks to my dilligence, I know my statistics better already but I find that I am still slow in actually DOING the calculations. I just have to familiarise myself even more so that I can work faster. Other than tt, it is not too big a deal, I realised.

I hope I pull through statistics safely. I really hope I get a decent grade for it. Cross my fingers. =)

Contrapcetives for Eurotrip

Well well, after the huge delay in my menses, it's here. Not very thrilled about it. I was hoping tt since it is delayed, it will delay some more so tt I won't get my period while on holiday in Europe. NOT!! I just counted and yes, my period will come again right smack in the middle of my trip. Argh!!! So, I thought of tt miracle pill tt my friends and I used to discuss so much about when we were still in poly.

It's a pill tt can delay your period. I rem we discussed about it quite seriously about the usefulness of it while on a holiday. But I never did proper research nor have I really talked to people who have used it before, so kinda clueless about this whole thing. I don't want to have to wake up with a soggy pad in the same dorm room as the others. And it's winter!! We are moving ard so much, I dun want to have to lug a huge pack of pad around. Or pack too little and end up having to spend my precious Euros on pads?!

Not knowing how much it might cost, I dare not just walk into the clinic downstairs and ask for the pills. I think I will wait till next Tuesday after my Stats paper to go to the clinic in school. I wonder whether school clinic will have the pills. If not then will just have to try my luck at the clinic near my house.

After Googling it, I still dun know what tt pill is called. I only know it is also a form of contraceptive. Gah!!

Revision Update

This post is to motivate myself. You are welcomed to leave encouraging words to me so as to make revising for exams less of a torture. =)

I am on the last chapter for HP320 for the textbook. I feel so accomplished. I can go for round 2 on the lecture notes and do the chapter summary. After which I will whack the BM articles. I have to finish all these by Sunday coz Monday I have to switch back to HP305, statistics.

Alright, tt's all for now. Ciao!!

I wonder...

why honesty does not come easily for some people. Honesty was not my forte when I was younger but to a certain extent, I can understand that it can be driven by an implicit motivation and the lie wasn't born out of wanting to hurt. But then again, when others have already cleared the way for you, why do you still lie and insist you do not want to walk the easier path that others have willingly created for you??

If you lie to avoid hurting that person now, when it's uncovered later, it will hurt more. At least, that was what I learnt through my own mistakes. If you lie to put up appearances, when it's uncovered later, it will be even more embarrassing. Sometimes with much more dire consequences than if the truth was told upfront. The ego can take over easily in some people and that's when something like that can happen.

Although I am the eldest among 3 sisters, I also learnt that I am not perfect and that I don't have to insist on being perfect. It would be nice if I was, but I just wasn't made to be that way. I learnt that I am not always right and my sisters don't have to listen to me just because I am older. In the past, I allowed my ego to take over often. I thought I was shielding them but I only put them through more pain when they found out. I let my ego take over and lied to cover up but the delay in revealing the truth only magnified the shame. I remember how painful it was to be told that they don't know what is true and what is not true anymore. That's why I stopped. I also lead a life where lies are unnecessary now. =) As you can see, they may be younger, but the purer state of their hearts are wiser than mine.

So maybe, just maybe, you can come down from the pedestal that others before us have put you on and remove your head from among the clouds. They may have protected you before but we are not them. We can't do the same for you. At least, not again and again. I know we sound more impatient than them but that is the truth I guess.

If only you knew, how you make us feel. If only you knew what she told me yesterday. The feeling of incompleteness. Those were her words. Very abstract, I know, but I understood exactly what she was trying to say. And the non-chalant attitude from her... That just shows the intensity of the damage. She is never non-chalant so if you had been there, I am sure it would have torn you apart. And maybe then, you will wake up.

I've hit a new low

I cannot remember a time when things mattered to me. I just feel very low. It feels like there is a lot of negative energy around me and I am not trying to get away from it. I feel so down. I just do not have the energy to care.

I can't tell the difference between what is real and what is a joke. I can't tell what is important and what is not. I can't tell what is worth it and what is not. I don't know where I should be concentrating my energy on so that I can feel good about myself again.

Then again, I dunnoe who am I. Last night, a friend was describing a girl and saying well, basically this girl is good at looking after others, gentle and caring. And this friend said, basically this girl is similar to me. I was listening to him telling a story but at that moment my concentration lapsed. I asked myself, am I really like that? Since when did I become like that?

I never knew myself to be like that.

My mother can tell you that I don't like doing housework and at home, she needs to nag me to move my butt. She used to scold me coz after I cook, I don't like cleaning up. I didn't like the gender inequality back in Japan and felt very repressed each time I went back but then again, someone said I am submissive. I don't like to manja my dad even though I know I just have to act cute a bit and he will be in a better mood.

I used to think I am a very strong girl with a tough personality and a really acidic mouth. I used to say the meanest things to counter any insult or undesirable comment that came my way. I used to swear as well as the next sailor.

Was the old ME the real ME or is the new Me the real ME?

But then again, I don't think this feeling of "low-ness" has any direct connection to an identity crisis. Maybe I am JUST feeling this way, period. =(

The Pimple of the Year

The pimple that I described has healed but a new neighbour shifted in not too far from it. It is even worse than the last one lah!!! 3 days already but it's still there... Using the Nex-care acne patch now as recommended by Adam. Kindly sponsored by him also. I hope it heals soon. It hurts too much. Bleh!

I pledge...

... to become very good at statistics. I will chiong my statistics. I know I can do it. I am not stupid. I just need to spend a little more time getting to know the statistics more. I just need to try to understand it better. It shall be my new lover.

I will learn his habits, why he behaves in such a manner and what I should do to get the answers that I want. I know I can do it. No more negative thoughts. I will make him fall.

HP305 Project

is a pain in the ass. It drains me too much. Makes me feel incompetent. I don't really want to know my HP305 Quiz results either.

How to make myself smarter in 3 weeks?? A bit hard right??

Things that happen to me

Here I am, in my bedroom, on my very pink bed, in an even darker very pink PJs and my laptop on my lap (where else?). My nose is peeling. Thanks to that tanning session, my nose and my cheeks are peeling. Like you know how we make shallow incisions into tomatoes and then pop them into hot water so that the skin will come off easily? Yeah, tt's about it. All those hydration masks and I am still peeling, almost a week later. It can only happen to me.

I also donated blood today. A good deed. If I can't be a doctor to save lives than I might as well do something good with what my body can offer. It hurts just for that while when the needle is gg in but after tt it's fine. And today was my third time donating blood. I was finally able to look at my own bag of blood. Someone is gg to live because my blood is flowing in him or her. Isn't tt cool?

Some people wait till they die to donate their organs so that someone else can live. But blood, we can regenerate it again and it really doesn't cause us any harm. I strongly advocate donating blood. If you haven't gone before, don't be afraid. Just remember that one day, it could be you needing that additional bag of blood. It's not money. It's more precious than that.

Izyan was very happy that she passed the tests to donate blood today which I think is really cool. We were kidding around but I guess I would be disappointed too if I couldn't donate my blood. It's just one bag from us, but that one bag can mean life or death to someone else. I don't normally respond to SMSes for urgent blood donation but when the drives come straight up in school, I really don't see any reason how I can ignore it.

I didn't feel too good after donating today though, felt a little drained and weak. Adam was kind enough to send me home even though he had already made plans with WC. He had to push the gym session back. He is nice sometimes. =)

Next, I have a pimple on my chin. Just 1 cm from the corner of my mouth, on the left of my chin. It is one of those akan datang pimple where it's not red yet, just a visible bump. It almost looks like a mosquito bite but yeah, IT HURTS A BLOODY HELL LOT!!!

Tml, I shall not attempt any high-risk activities like writing my project report, or studying statistics, or reading Venus' book chapters... I have less blood in me now. If I do any of those activities, my brain will need all the blood then my body might go into shock and I might die. Because of lack of blood. Shall not even set an alarm, I shall just wake up when my body is ready and rest well for the night activities. By then, I should be as fit as a fiddle again!!

A good use of time

I shall wake up every weekday morning at 8a.m. from now on so that I can complete some work in the morning before I go to school. This is because I end up not doing any work if I wake up any later because I will think, "It's only 2 hours until I have to leave for school so nvm, watch tv..."

This way, I can go out in the evenings after my lessons without feeling guilty. I will also be able to enjoy my weekends more. =)

So smart right?? Hahaha!!

Right, now, more circles to measure.

Projects

I have read through my project papers for this semester. I dunno if there is a conspiracy gg on but both profs gave out the details of the projects at the same time. Like, just a week ago! Why give them out so late?? I feel like now it will become a rush to complete both.

HP320 is turning out not too bad. Some reading to do to make sure my format is correct and to check what are the 5 steps that I need to complete. Also, it's an on-going program so it might take up really a bit of my time.

HP305, I want to do the chocolate pudding scenario!!! It looks so interesting!! Plus, it's about food. Minus point is, I dunno what kind of extra readings we can do on it. Cooking reviews??

Tanning Salon

I went to try out the tanning salon at Raffles Place yesterday with Adam. It was my first time so it was quite exciting. For Adam, He goes there almost every week coz he's so fair, his tan needs to be maintained regularly.

Anyway, I am hurting right now!! So painful. Although the whole process is only 10 minutes but I guess the tanning is so intense tt I really got burnt. I am not charcoal black, by the way. I am slathering on the moisturisers like no one's business. I even did a hydration mask.

I totally forgot tt I tan much easier than Adam and well, my tan stays for the longest period of time. I think I will be moisturising my body twice a day and my face could do with repeated moisturising throughout the day.

If I ever do go again, I will remember to moisturise before even stepping into the capsule. But the tan came out nicely. Woohoo!!

Data Entry

Not bad, I finished the 30 papers in less than an hour, including the demographics information. I just have some more measuring to do. The long plastic ruler is gg to be my good friend and see me through this ordeal.

Hope I can finish everything tonight. I am sacrificing a Friday night to do this thing. I cannot believe myself. Am so saintly just staying in. =)

I hate measuring lines. I will become cross-eyed soon.

Withdrawal Symptoms

Last night, he said that he was seeing so much of me that he thinks he will get withdrawal symptoms if we had to be seperated for long periods of time. It felt nice to hear that, but I had to go and say,

"So, do you want to see less of each other?"

Oh, dammit.

But yes, sometimes I do wonder if we should spend less time together. But then again, it doesn't feel right to me. Last night, Fernn blamed Adam for the damage done to her phone.

Because Adam couldn't meet earlier so she thought she'll have time to do her nails. So she did her nails and because she did her nails, she couldn't hold her phone properly and so she dropped it. And I think some part of it chipped off. Adam didn't feel guilty about it, wells, coz it is really not his fault is it??

And so I told WC that he couldn't meet them earlier because he was having dinner with me and my family. And WC told Adam that he could have just told them about his "constraints" why he has to meet later and they would understand.

Firstly, what constraints?! I don't think those are constraints. WC should just get a girl to occupy his time more.

Secondly, why didn't Adam just tell them? Is it a bad thing to be eating dinner over at my place that he can't just inform his friends? Was he afraid that they will kick up a fuss?

Thirdly, he is just smoking more, not cutting down. Even if he said he will definitely quit by the time he ORDs, it doesn't make sense that he has to increase his smoking. Seriously, WC and Fernn are just reinforcing his smoking habits. He just smokes so much more when he is with them.

I so don't like them right now.

My Organizer

I almost lost it. Thank God I found it.

I am so reliant on tt stack of papers binded together. I dunno what I will do w/o it. Phew!!

YES!!

Thursday is officially over so that means... THE QUIZZES ARE OVER!!!

Ringo's one was kinda a bit of a killer but since everyone felt the same way, well, all I can say is, "Thank God for normal distributions... I totally, totally love bell-curves..."

GP testing in the afternoon wasn't as dreadful as I was expecting it to be... Time past quite fast and it was actually fun to just sit there and talk and hang out and do stupid things... Like "lizard" ourselves to the wall... Another round of testing to be done tml.

It's sad that we have to go back to school on saturday. I mean, I have already gone to school on a saturday once for Spanish already, no reason why I would skip this one since it's stats... I think the only thing that really motivates me to go is tt, I KNOW for certain that I will not understand anything at all if I dun go. Reading the chapters are not much help really...

Today, I am gg to sleep early and rest my mind. I felt so bad when Adam told me I was grinding my teeth again last night. His sleep was disturbed but he was more awake than me this morning. I kept dozing off in the car. He has duty today so I hope he gets to rest properly tml night.

Actually, I think he is treating me better and better. It helps to keep the insecurity off and I actually feel less guarded around him now. I feel more relaxed, more confident that he loves me. And when he needs help, I find myself more willing to do things for him. In the beginning, I felt obliged in a certain sense, but I don't feel tt way. Maybe coz I know it will be reciprocated.

Ok, I seriously need a hot shower then, just nua in bed. Maybe he'll call later. *Ting* =)

End of Term Break

And so it ends, with an exciting F1 race for Singapore and not a whole lot of things to look forward to next week. Hehe!! I enjoyed the week but didn't fully utilise my time I think... When will I learn?

Coming up, Spanish assignment to hand in.
Venus quiz on Tuesday.
Party on Tuesday night.
Study on Wednesday.
Ringo's quiz on Thursday.
Slack on Friday and the weekend rolls in again.

Testing will be done on Thursday and Friday.

Not bad, time is passing so fast, I dun really feel tt I am aging... Each week justs whizzes past.

I went to F1 yesterday!!!

And it was great fun, LIKE TOTALLY!!! Vroom Vroom~!! The noise can really make me feel damn high... I was just stuffing my fingers into my ears while squealing at each and every car tt wheezed past me at the grid.

Did you know that a normal red polo tee with the Ferrari logo on the left can cost $125?? So Expensive lah!! But there are people who really buy those merchandise... OMG!!

Iced tea and coffee cost $8 each. Coke also costs $8. So we decided that we should guzzle beer coz it costs $10. More worth it right?? Those plastic cups are special ones u know... It has TIGER and the logo printed on it. But the beer was really really cold, so shiok!!

Our seats were quite good actually, just after turn 2 and at the point of turn 3. We could see the skid marks on the track at turn 3. And there's a huge screen right in front of us so we can see the race as broadcasted too while waiting for the next car to come along.

It was a Vroomtastic experience. VROOM~~~~!!!!

F1

I am gg to F1 tonight!!! What shall I wear??

Term Break

This is (to me) the 3rd day of Term Break. I haven't done any real work yet. Yes!! I am supposed to be studying for my 2 quizzes!!! But heck... Not in the mood yet.

I haven't been doing anything constructive. Had my phone fixed (hopefully for the last time) and had my extra tuition sessions... Plus the sisters gathering yesterday... And I did manage to spot the bag tt Aya might want for her birthday so tt is settled too. Will buy it either tml or later today. The weather is so hot, I don't feel like moving at all.

RAINBOW SISTERS gathering yesterday was fun. Played mahjong, made a lot of noise and then we had the longest dinner session ever~!! We sat thru 2 football matches while we ate, took photos, talked, watched some football and then talked even more. My mama was very happy to see you all too!!

Thank you Yuwen for the dinner treat yesterday!!!! Muackz!!!!

Lost money at mahjong yesterday but mama "invested" her winnings in me so it wasn't too bad. Today my mama said want to play so we were playing just now. Lost money again!! So Suay lah!!! The table is still outside in the living room... LAter still got second round... OMG~~~

I shall go eat Limei's muffins now... Had beehoon soup (my mama cooked) for breakfast so still very full. The muffin would be just nice!

Things to do tml:
(1) Meeting with Catherine
(2) Print lecture articles for Venus' class
(3) Print Lecture 5 review and solutions
(4) Tuition with Tracy
(5) Buy Aya's belated bday present

Not bad, utilise fully of my time outside. =)

I don't like...

...that he is tactless at times. Not SOMETIMES, but quite often. He can say things unknowingly (i hope) tt will hurt me. And I have to laugh it off like it didn't matter.

...that he can be inconsiderate. Never think for my feelings, what I might want or my opinion. I think as a couple, some things need to be talked over tgt. Informing is not always enough. Discussion is always better.

...that he can be insensitive. Somethings that I am upset about are quite "in-your-face" kind of obvious so why is it tt he can't see it?

...that he is so confident tt I will always be there. Maybe tt's why he can easily take me for granted. Maybe I should just leave him.

The feeling

Today we were chilling at this place at Bishan Park. It was a really chill place but tt is not what I want to blog about today. It's about THE FEELING.

My friend was gushing about how this girl gives him tt FEELING, something tt he has not felt since secondary school. Do you remember tt feeling?? I do. But I just thought, how many people do we know tt can truthfully say tt the person they are with give them tt FEELING?? I remember what it felt like to blush and feel awkward just by hearing his name being mentioned. Or not being able to meet tt person's eye.

I still do get tt feeling sometimes. Yes, HE is capable of doing tt to me. But I thought, does he feel it too?? He, the ultimate aloof one tt seems devoid of all emotions sometimes...

When I asked him, he said,

"I knew you were gg to ask me tt! I just knew it! HAhahahahahah!"
"So?? Do you feel tt way?"
"Yes I do... (matter of factly)"
"Liar."

So tt was tt. But I guess it's the small little things. I think I outgrew the concept tt love had to be served up in grand manners and scale. I don't hanker for romantic candle-lit dinners (although they are still romantic and highly acceptable), expensive gifts (although still highly coveted and my impression of the man will rise in proportion to the price tag attached to tt gift), and huge romantic gestures like flowers, a fantastiv nightview from the top of a skyscraper...

I appreciate tt he drives me ALMOST everywhere with no complain. I appreciate tt he is proud of me in front of his friends and family. I appreciate tt he tries to make me happy whenever I finally open my mouth to voice out my unhappiness. I appreciate tt he stays back at work a little longer just so he can wait for me to finish my late classes and drive me home (not always lah). I appreciate tt he is improving (surprise surprise!!) as a boyfriend.

I am also thankful tt he is not overly eager, not overly possessive, abusive, overly manja and overly arrogant. I am also thankful tt he is very real in his attitude and fun-loving although tt is a bane too!

I like...

...this picture so I decided to upload for fun. =)

Day 12 without him

Firstly, SORRY!!!!

I can't find my camera so I haven't been able to take a picture of my new sneakers... And coz it's so nice, I dun think taking a picture with my HP will do it any justice... Just hang on there for a while jie-meis. U will get to see it!!!

Today at 8p.m. Singapore time, Adam will be boarding the plane back to Singapore. But he will only arrive in Singapore tml at 6.55p.m. It takes almost 24hours to travel back to Singapore, can u imagine it?? But of course, he won't be on the plane all the time. He will have transits in Zurich and Bangkok also. But I am just glad tt he's coming back. =)

Was supposed to do some work today but haiz, a bit lazy lah... But at least I managed to finish my item scale for GP last night and also I managed to write some parts of the slides for Venus' presentation. I am not really into working on my days off, now including Fridays. haha!!

Later still got tuition. I hope my tutee is better if not she won't be able to catch up by the time her PSLE comes by. =(

Day 10 without him

It's the same thing again today.

Where has he MIA-ed to??

Day 9 without him

I waited last night but he didn't come online.

Today I'm waiting again, but it's almost midnight now but he hasn't come online too.

While waiting, I thus made myself a cup of something to cheer myself up. You see, the piercing headache I had yesterday was indeed a warning of what was coming today. I got the period this morning!!! No cramps, thankfully, most prob coz I went to gym on Sunday with Weichuen.

Was cranky the whole morning, feeling hot and what not... It doesn't help to know tt tml I have to wear formal and Argh!!! And he's not online again today.

So I made a cup of cold ultra-milky Milo for myself.

2 heaped tsps of Milo
2 heaped tsps of condensed milk
about 2cm high of hot water into the mug

I stirred and I couldn't help staring and smiling at the thick chocolatey liquid... Then I topped it up all the way with fresh milk!! And I could still see the Milo bits floating around on the surface. =) The best Milo I've had in a long long time...

And even though Stats homework was hard (and I think 87.65% of my answers are wrong anyway), my butt is padded and my bf still has not come online, for now, the aftertaste of Milo tt lingers is sweet enough for me.

Tired though, so I might just go sleep... Need to rest my tired body and my poor brain which had to think so hard to make sense of the words in the Stats tutorial. Bunas noche!

Day 8 without him

Today, I went for tuition but arrived at Tracy's place with a throbbing head... I had a permanent frown on my forehead and I couldn't concentrate on what I wanted to do with her today. Then I thought it will go away after a while but it didn't!!

I hate headaches. Flu still not too bad leh but a headache is the worst!! Can't think... Flu still can move about and do some work. In the end, I sat in school trying to do my work but left for home just before 5 coz I couldn't take it anymore... Argh!!!

Good things tt happened today (before the onset of the headache):
(1) Changed my school file to a PINK one with plastic pockets!
(2) Found Farhanah's Science mock papers answer sheet.
(3) Realised tt my hair grows quite fast.

Bad things tt happened today:
(1) Headache

Things I have to do later:
(1) Finish up my Spanish work
(2) Attempt Tutorial 4 for Stats

I predict another headache setting in once I managed to get down to doing task number 2. SPSS has been re-downloaded and I feel happy about it but having no excuse not to do work is Argh!! Have just taken painkillers for the head so I shall see how long I can last later.

Hasta Luego!

Day 6 without him

Hehe!!! I received my birhday present today!!! I totally TOTALLY love my new sneakers. Thank you very much to Yuwen, Huiyun, Limei, Davina, Jiaying, Lixuan, Shiling and Sammy for this wonderful present. Like I said earlier in my smses to u all, I will wear this all over Europe!!!

Went to WineBar and then to Modesto's with Felix, Weichuen and Fernn last night. Didn't reach home very very late lah, but still late, so I was surprised with myself when I managed to wake up for school. And my mum was at home so she made sure I woke up for school also. Spanish was fun!! Now I know what Weichuen was talking about when he said "Creo que..."

Then went to Orchard to meet Yuwen but I bumped into Lixuan and Alina before tt. Ate my lunch and waited for Yuwen to come. She was a sight!!! Kinda used to seeing her in her work clothes so seeing her in tee and denim skirt was like old times again. But she still looked like she haven'T graduated from school yet. Hahahaha!!!

Now, I am just waiting for dinner to be served... Aya is cooking dinner tonight. So secretive, dun tell us what she's cooking and also say we cannot go in and see... But seems like dinner is almost done..

Oh yah, went to deliver mooncakes to Adam's parents on Thursday... Goodwood Park Hotel D24 Durian Paste mooncakes. But I only bought 2 pcs.. Bo $$, haha!! It wasn't expensive lah, for 2 pcs it's affordable but 4 pcs might be a bit too much ah... But auntie sms-ed me the next day to say they have tried them and like them so GREAT!!!

Alright, shall go dinner now. =)

Day 2 without him

Day 2 went very well, surprise surprise!!

I think because a few things brightened up my day..
(1) Fernn sent email to say she can get 25% off the Flyer tickets so ask if we are interested.
(2) Weichuen has organised the first leg of the Europe tour from London to Barcelona.
(3) Peiling say she can lend me her pig-liver-red boots if I want for my Eurotrip
(4) Shopping confirmed on Saturday
(5) Caught up on Venus' textbook readings

So actually my day went pretty well. Did some exercises at home also. Couldn't go jog coz of the bad weather. The only thing tt spoilt it was the faulty SPSS. It simply refuses to work. Argh!!! So I am gg to tutorial tml blindly, with no attempts made on the questions.

September is a crazy month. Testing, quizzes, presentation... I can live through it de!!!

Day 1 without him

Alright, this is Day 1 w/o him. Technically, we still had some contact but yah, he's physically not here so I do miss him.

He smsed me twice from Zurich using the public phone there... But there was no number for me to reply to so I just sms-ed his local number. And he sent another reply using the public phone again.

Then just now, he has arrived. I know I can't sms him too much, not even as and when I want. But it feels comforting to know tt I can reach him if I wanted to. Tt I still have a way to contact him, but must rem the time difference...

Fernn brightened my day with confirmation of our London flights. We are taking SQ A380 to Heathrow!!! Tt is a hi-light by itself lah... Will take lots of pictures and blog about my trip when it happens. I think I will bring a diary with me, a journal, whatever...

I hope the list of cities come out soon so tt I can go read up before we leave also. The confirmed list. Bah!! I can't help but wait...

Thank you!!

Dear all who came to my party at Boiler Room, thank you!!!

I had a super duper great time there although I dun know about u guys... I felt like dying the next morning coz my head was swimming and it was woozy from too much alcohol. But really leh, super high and the music was good too. Plus, there were all of you there too so really, IT WAS DAMN FUN LAH!!!

Hi-lights:

(1) Izyan getting super high coz it was her first time drinking alcohol.
(2) Playing games with Limei.
(3) Yuwen gave me the evil concoction to drink.
(4) Limei sharing the drink with me.
(5) Oooh the CAKE!!!
(6) Cam-whoring.
(7) Dancing near the stage with everyone (Patrick was really good tt night or is it just the drinks?)
(8) Puking in the taxi
(9) Adam helping me to brush my teeth
(10) I puked again.
(11) Adam gave up and just made me gurgle (i think) and didn't brush my teeth

Well, there were many more MOMENTS I believe but there a few things I wish I had done.

(1) Spent more time with Bestie. In the end she sort of became on toilet-duty.
(2) Take photos with Yi Ling and Fernn!! But at least I got to hug them and be introduced to Timothy.
(3) Drank less

Birthday present from Adam was a red iPod Nano. Uploaded my birthday photos into the iPod also so that I can see them anytime. He helped me set it up on my iTunes also.

Sunday had buffet dinner with my relatives. Happy Birthday to Mummy and Happy Belated Birthday to Kelvin kor!! The food was good although Samantha jie and Jasmine seemed to think otherwise. It was good enough for me!!

Opponent Process Theory

Well, I am trying to rationalise this "feeling" in me with the Opponent Process Theory. I don't think I am getting it exactly right but the gist of it is the same I guess...

I am having this sinking feeling. Anxiety about my birthday party. Don't ask me why anxiety. I don't know why either. I only just managed to pinpoint a term to describe this feeling in me as anxiety. I am not sure anxious about what either. After so many years of quiet birthday celebrations with my various cliques, gathering everyone in one location and doing the whole celebration thing in a club might be the factor. The sudden change is not sitting well with me I think. And the added factor of the impending GP deadlines that just keep coming, coming and coming. Some days I really don't want to think of Catherine and her comments.

Anyway, the signs I have been having are breathlessness, nausea (at weird moments like while waiting for the MRT door to open), a heavy dull throb in my chest and fitful sleep patterns. My 2-week long cough might be psychosomatic too. Initially I thought I wake up in the night because of my cough but I realise last night, I wasn't coughing when I woke up. I just woke up for no reason.

So then again, how does the Opponent Process Theory apply here??

Maybe I was initially very excited about having my bday celebrations with everyone at St James (a-process) and then now tt ard a week has passed since the initial planning, the countering b-process has kicked in thus making me feel the opposite of excitement... which is DREAD.

I know I am weird but this is what I really feel. Dread. I am afraid of the event really taking place only to result in disappointment and boredom.

But I dunno how to tell anyone about it. Coz if someone had told me that he/she dreads his/her bday party, I would just think tt person is silly. But tt is exactly what I am feeling. I dun want it to fall flat coz tt is not how I want to remember my bday.

Argh.

Ways to supplement my Eurotrip Budget

I have been trying to think of ways to supplement my Eurotrip Budget. These are just some of the ways that I thought of just now...

(1) Buy 4D and Toto everyweek
(2) Take on just one more tuition assignment
(3) Eat less outside, eat more at home
(4) Take on part-time work immediately after exams for that 1 week before we fly

Basically, not much of helpful things here. =(

Birthday Week!

Basically, my birthday is next Tuesday, still a whole week away but coz school was so sian today, I decided to encourage myself with thoughts about my birthday celebrations. For one thing, it is already the end of Monday and so Tuesday is going to come around soon.

I suggested to Adam that Friday night would be good for my bday dinner. But before tt, thinking whether Di will have time for lunch on Friday.

Saturday sleep in and eat well to prepare for the party at night. So happy that RAINBOW is making the effort to come and celebrate for me. It used to be so easy back in hall but even now when we are living in seperate places, we still stand together!! And I know they are planning something but I just dunno what! Hehe... And have to appreciate their straightforward "What do you want for your birthday?"

Aya and Ami will be coming too... Don't quite know whether it will be good or a bad move... What if I really get roaring drunk then so UNGLAM can?!?!?! But I have never clubbed with Aya before so it should be a good experience. Plus I know she hardly clubs so there!!

And Di too, know she has been busy with work so it will be good to see her. PLUS her bday present still with me so it will be a whole month late!! Sorry~!!

Then on Sunday we'll be having a buffet dinner with Mummy and my cousins! So exciting!! I guess sharing one's bday with a relative has its perks too!! Adam's coming so they can gawk at him like he's an animal at the zoo!

I seriously don't feel much - age is just a number... I think I kinda stopped getting the feeling that I was getting older around the time I was 15. Coz moving on from Sec 3 to Sec 4, I really didn't feel much. And in a blink of the eye, I had passed Polytechnic and soon I will be graduating too. It's ok, I dun really want to feel the ageing process.

And I have one more thing to look forward to! Europe trip in December!!! On budget but I am so glad mama agreed to let me take out my fixed deposit so that I can go!! Anyway, Fernn will be booking the tickets later this week also... It is coming true!! So egg-cited (to quote HY)...

I feel happy coz after I got to know him, I have started to experience a lot of things. I have never been one for birthday parties but suddenly he is helping me throw one. And his friends are able to bring us around in Europe and they are such a fun bunch... Seriously, if I had said I want to go with Limei they all I think mama won't let me go coz she will worry about us gg as an all-girls group. =( But there will come a time when we can all go somewhere together to relax!!

Twisted Twister

We played Twister on Sunday!!! It was supposed to be a mahjong session but because I had so much fun playing Twister at the Esplanade with Calvin during FOC, I decided to bring the game over to Adam's place. So we basically had a warm-up with Twister before settling down to play mahjong...

As you can tell, we were all out to sabo each other the moment the game started. No such thing as being shy or beginners... We were ready to get entangled!!
Oh, Calvin and I had a wager at the Esplanade that the loser will be drawn on the limbs by the winner with a permanent marker. Adam gamely went to ask his mother for a red lipstick so that we could do something similar. But cause we were in the comfort of his home, it was decided that it was safe enough to draw on faces... We all crowded in the toilet after that to clean up with my make-up remover lah!!!

This is the shot of him being the dodgy geomancer... Feng shui master my ass!

No bad right? I still remembered how to write "pig" in chinese.

We played rough,　sitting on each other, butting each other off the mat... It was a WORKOUT!! Fernn's blue blouse had a collar and the collar was drenched mind you!! Adam ripped his earlier pair of shorts while playing the game so he went to change into this ridiculously short pair of FBTs which were bright yellow!!

For more butt shots, check out the photos on Facebook sisters!! Wanted to blog about my Singfest Sunday also but heck, I am too lazy to. Just check out the action on FB too. =)

Back to school!!

I never thought I would ever say this in my lifetime but yes, I am glad to be back in school!! After those months of working and teaching tuition, it feels good to be back in school and basically having a less hectic lifestyle. My days start late and end late. It's alright, really... even with tuition slotted in, my days end by 7 in the evening, it's the travelling that I find taxing...

Finally worked out what is the best way to maintain my transport fees... Buy train concession but dun buy for bus. Coz one trip from Boon Lay to school is about 89cents and in 4 weeks, tt would amount to only about $29. Add in additional $10 bus fare for tuition, it's still alright to top up my ezlink just for bus...

As for my timetable, not perfect but manageable... I hope this sem pass by like a breeze...

Family Dinner

Mama said it was fun to have dinner like tt together, as a family, including the 2 boys... Said we should do this maybe at least once a month. Not always eat good food, but maybe at home or just nearby places... I think it was good really, to have everyone around, talking and joking and eating and generally making a lot of noise...

And I think mahjong was alright too... Mama had fun although she lost quite a fair share. Papa also won some money... I had to smile to myself when I heard the collective groan outside while I was in the shower. Although I only found out later tt it was an intense round where everyone had 5-tai, at tt moment I just knew tt they were all having fun.

Maybe when Ami finds someone to join us too, then we can have 2 tables of MJ at the same time... =) For now, she will have to sit in between papa and mama at the dinner table.

Weekend Programme

Just cut out this huge advert that was in the TODAY papers... The Night Festival at the National Museum! Looks good and sounds good too. It's a 2 weekend thingy, 18-19Jul and 25-26Jul will be Beatnik Picnic with Zouk.

On 18 and 19 July, Studio Festi from Italy will be performing at 2 time slots: 9-11pm and 11.30-1.30am. They will be showcasing The Dancing Sky which features aerial performers. They have also performed for the opening ceremony of the 2006 Turin Winter Olympics as well as the 100-day countdown to the Beijing Olympics.

On the 18th, there's even free admission into the National Museum of Singapore from 6pm onwards and the hours have been extended till 2am. On the 25th, this will be extended to ALL NHB Museums!!

There are other activities staged on the 25th not just at the National Museum but elsewhere too so go check www.nationalmuesum.sg for details. Most are free admissions =)

Who would steal money from a CAT?!

Well, yes. Who would steal money from a cat? A really fat cat??


HE DID!! So evil right?! But I guess when one is hungry and has no money to buy food, one will resort to all means to satisfy that need. Below is a picture of the unsuspecting cat.



Along comes the down-and-out one that needs some help from his dearest fat cat...




"I am sorry Jonathan. I promise I will return the money to you once I win Toto. Meanwhile, we are still friends right?? I still think you are the best among all the cats. So fat lah~!"

I think Jonathan didn't have much say in this matter. He didn't even try to put up a fight. What a pussy... But well, the 2 of them are the bestest of friends afterall!

Congratulations to Aya

Her convocation was yesterday. Saw all the pictures and yes, I am glad for her that she has OFFICIALLY graduated!! I missed out on her lunch treat though coz I was still stuck in the office.

Mama cooked dinner and it was great!! Loved the crabs lah, YUMMY!! And the sashimi too. Adam ate and ate and ate and ate. He's turning into a cupckae soon. But I know any cook likes to see the food polished off. And KS was there to help eat also, although he didn't eat as much. Or maybe he was just trying to be polite. I don't know.

It was a nice way for Papa to meet Adam I think. Coz KS was there to shift some attention away. Not tt Adam needed helping. He was his usual crappy and charming self. =)

Boys are...

Dumb


Insensitive


Inconsiderate


Unnecessary

He made it worse

I was surviving very well w/o him around. I am still as busy as ever, struggling with tuition, doing fieldwork, organising SP Night stuff and then there is also my GP.

Then he called yesterday at the most unexpected of times. I was waiting in line for my Korean food at the foodcourt in Central when the phone rang.

He said the line was breaking up and he couldn't hear me well but his voice was really clear on my side. It was really a short call, really really short but hearing his voice made me miss him. I had managed to segment him out of my life and push that part into a closet, but his voice just "reminded" me (in a way) that I do miss him.

I guess it is always harder for the one that has been left behind. In many scenarios of seperation, it is always harder for the one that has been left behind. The other who is doing the exploring, discovering, and playing... Not much time left to brood over the absence of someone else isn't it?

But I am glad he went away at this time, coz I am so busy that the time I usually spend with him has been efficiently relegated to other pressing matters. Now, all I have to do is wait for him to come back. =)

Guess what?

I miss him already.

But not in the love-sick way. I just miss him. And he just left yesterday. But he will be back on Sunday.

I miss him and I just keep thinking about how he said he hopes I remember him for the whole week that he is gone. How not to miss his funny antics and unglam actions?

Weekend

The past weekend has been relaxing and fruitful to me. Did many things that I should have done and I had time to relax and rest properly.

Firstly, I didn't club. So I had enough sleep and to rest my body.

Secondly, SP Night stuff finalise everything liao. HENG AH~!

Thirdly, I met up with RAINBOW SISTERS for our overdue reunion. Really missed the girls but we sort of just picked up from where we had left off. It didn't feel awkward or especially emotional. Just felt great to spend time together.

Lastly, I went to the gym on Sunday with Adam and WC. Wah! The Keppel Country Club gym is so WOW!! So many complicated-looking equipments and it was interesting. The shower area also damn shiok lah! So many amenities... Got hair-dryer, lotion, moisturiser... All tt it is short of is conditioner.

Time spent with Adam was short but somehow I really enojyed the time with him. It was meaningful in a way.

We went to the ZOO

Yes, we went to the zoo!!! And Adam found his good friend there... See the resemblance? He looks more freaked out than anything else. The zoo was so crowded that we had to park far far away and walk all the way into the zoo. It was a long walk and it was really hot tt day but the trip was overall enjoyable.

And my sister said I have to take a picture with Ah Meng's statue so I got Adam to take this shot for me. We went to the zoo and took pictures with FAKE ANIMALS... We are weird...

Although we walked until we were so hot and sticky, we still had fun. And yes, we were very thirsty. He didn't complain about the heat, he didn't complain about the long walk in, he didn't complain about the crowd. He even made green apple with yakult when we got home. =)

He is my champion. The next day, he even helped to cook dinner at my house and after dinner, he made the green apple with yakult drink again for my sisters and my mama.

There, this was our parting shot of tt day.

Good mood

After the chaos tt the voicemail system managed to wreck yesterday, today is a relatively good day. And the thought tt I will be out on a proper date again tonight just puts me in a good mood. Haha! It's been a while since we went on a proper date tgt and the fact tt he is "planning" something is really something to look forward to.

We are meeting in TOWN!!!

Forgive me, coz we always end up meeting in the east-side and then we end up just hanging around like old neighbours. Today is a diversion from our usual routine so it makes me really excited.

And on Saturday we are gg to the ZOO!!! So fun-filled lah, this week.

P.S: Limei u do look like HOT BABE in ur makeover photos. Like a SEXY MAMA. haha!!

Reflections

The other day, Limei said reading Adam's dad's blog was really inspirational. For a moment, I was like, "What?!" You girls are reading his blog too?? But tt is besides the point. I have reading through it as well and I find tt his entries are very reflective.

Unlike us, he has led a much longer life and seen more things. He reflects on life and the things that are happening around him. The entry about planning for the rest of his life ahead was poignant and almost nostalgic but at the same time, hopeful and I think he sounded really brave to be facing the uncertainties ahead. After working for so many years and leading a somewhat routine lifestyle, it can be a jarring experience to be plucked out and made to move to a whole new ball game. I mean, the kind of things I reflect on are so much more insignificant and puny compared to his. My life is still so shallow and superficial, my thoughts still very self-centred and I know my future is still unplanned.

I like to think I am carefree and it is true that I don't like to be restrained from doing the things I want to do. But then again, without planning, we can't quite tell what to expect. No one really lives a day by day unless there is nothing in the future to look forward to. We all have certain expectations about how we want our lives to be. Even the most laid-back among us would have planned where the next moolah supply was coming in to continue leading a leisurely lifestyle. We need plans to help us see what we can expect. It is almost a motivation of some sort.

I used to think, "there's still another year before I graduate..." but the truth is, YOU MEAN I ONLY HAVE A YEAR LEFT?!?!?! Time flies really fast so I am really anxious. I haven't given serious thought as to what I want to do after I graduate. Everyone is saying that the first job is very important. At the moment, I have only narrowed it down to PRIVATE SECTOR.

All my plans now are really short term, like what to complete within the week. It's worrying. Isn't it?

Weekends over

I feel a bit more blue this Monday. More than usual. I think it is because I had a really good weekend and my butt is hurting from all the squats. I feel like it's gg to drop off anytime. Bleh!!

And then this crazy woman called to scold me. Really scold me. OMG. And I tried to maintain my angelic voice and the smile on my face. But no. She scolds me. And she wouldn't stop. And finally she hangs the phone on me. Thanks. ARGH!!!

Like I told Lay See after tt, she is fierce and uncooperative. She calls up and just starts scolding. And when she can't pronounce "Four Seasons" (tt's where she's working) properly and I asked her to repeat, she scolds me for being ignorant. I asked her to read the Household ID for me and tells her the rough location of it she tells me she can't find it and she can't read it out. So irritating.

People like this spoils my day with huge success. I hate bad starts like this. I just want to go home and curl up and sleep. Like seriously.

Neverending supply of letters to fold. And my data-entry is becoming a huge backlog thanks to all these letters. I just can't wait for our pay to come in and then, maybe I will feel better about life in general. =)

Coming up:

Mon - Tuition at Boon Lay
Tue - Tuition at Pasir Ris
Wed - Tuition at Boon Lay
Thur- Meet Melissa in Town
Fri - Tuition at Pasir Ris before meeting Adam
Sat - Cooking dinner at Adam's place
Sun - Morning meet Catherine and the girls for FYP

Next week Tracy's gg to Malacca so I will have a break from teaching her for the week. So looking forward to it. Hehe!!

DS Lite

Adam has bought a new White DS Lite... And I am getting hooked on it. Hahaha.

I was the one that keptasking him to "think carefully" but now I am the one tt has claimed ownership over it. He's nice tt way, he just laughed at me, but didn't say " I told you so" or anything like tt. I think he likes me. *blush*

But I am playing all the crappy-fun games like Cooking Mama. =) Learning new recipes... So fun lah! I have never chopped spring onions so fast before lah!!! As promised, I am not playing it at work. Who in the right mind will play DS Lite at work??

I hope the day ends soon then I can play on the train!

I am dying

I think I am dying.

My flu has been here for 2 weeks already and no signs of improvement. Like I told Di yesterday, my head is so full of mucus and phlegm that I am getting a headache and toothache from it. Yes, did you know that when you have a blocked nose it can cause your tooth to ache?? Something about having too much fluid somewhere and then causing the ache. I didn't know it until a doctor told me that a few years back.

I am coughing non-stop and my voice is giving. I hope there aren't many calls today coz I don't think I have the best voice to listen to today. I will be coughing every other second. And it doesn't help that my throat is swollen and so I can't breathe properly. My nose is blocked so can't breathe thru my nose, throat swollen so swallowing is a problem. Every breath I take tickles my throat, making me want to cough.

Here I go again. *cough cough cough*

And I am depleting the supply of flu medicine at home. And I think my perfume stinks today. It's Tommy Hilfiger but I don't think it smells the same anymore. *cough cough* If I find it stinky when I already have a blocked nose, what must the people around me be thinking?? *cough*

I hope I am not carrying a lethal army of germs on me and spreading it to every one that stays in the same room as me. Dammit. I must be terrorising the people who are squashed in the MRT train with me everyday. *cough* I can't help it though.

Breathe in. *cough* Breathe out. *cough*
Breathe in. *cough* Breathe out. *cough*

I am blogging a lot for a sick person.

Cravings

I am having some hungry thoughts now so I thought of blogging down all the things that I want to eat.

(1) Sushi
Adam has been having his crave too so I think it is rubbing off on me also.

(2) Chocolate chip cookies
Those rich, crumbly, really chocolatey kind.

(3) Cold fresh milk
If I am gg to have those cookies I want the milk too.

(4) Campbell's Soup
Cream of corn/mushroom to be exact. Like very long never drink mah.

(5) Sorbet
Just something refreshingly cold and tangy.

(6) Boiled/Steamed prawns
Yes, I love my seafood but the prawns would suffice for now.

(7) Carl's Jnr's beef chilli fries

I think this is it for now. Yes, FOR NOW. =)

Eat Pray Love - Elizabeth Gilbert

"I know this feeling all too intimately. I know the sad longing to delay the end of another February 4. This sadness is one of the great trials of the human experiment. As far as we know, we are the only species on the planet who have been given the gift - or the curse, perhaps - of awareness about our own mortality. Everything here eventually die; we're just the lucky ones who get to think about this fact everyday. How are you going to cope with this information? When I was nine, I couldn't do anything with it except cry. Later, over the years, my hypersensitive awareness of time's speed led me to push myself to experience life at a maximum pace. If I were going to have such a short visit on earth, I had to do everything possible to experience it now..."

I am still reading this book now but the first few chapters have already overwhelmed me with this sense of comfort and hope that in the end, nothing is more devastating than death so there's nothing to worry about the daily stuff. I like what an old woman told the author.

"There are only two questions that human beings have fought over, all through history. How much do you love me? And Who's in charge?"

Everything else is somehow manageable. But these two questions of love and control undo us all, trip us up and cause war, grief and suffering.

But all in all, the author somehow coped by writing to herself in a journal. And each time she scrawled "I need your help." She reminded herself how much she still loved herself even through all the dysfunctionality and the mistakes. That was the comfort and strength that she couldn't find anywhere else. What mattered was that she still loved herself, respected herself and that was enough. I like that.

At the end of the day, no matter what others say, if I choose not to let it affect me, it will not affect me. I don't have to sit around feeling sad and unhappy. I can seek out things and activities that makes me happy. The author has gone to Rome to learn Italian and gorged herself on the food there. Now I am with her on the journey to find God and serenity in an Ashram in India. I know she still has one last place to go in her book but I am relishing every word that is in the book.

What did I do so far? I chose to speak to one of my cousins and let it all out. Then I didn't think about it anymore. It wasn't hard to see that I shouldn't waste my time being upset about it. I went out with my friends and had a great time just having a quick dinner and then a drink together. I didn't allow my own sorrow spoil my time. Why should I allow this to consume my whole life? It just isn't worth it to give up other good things in life. I am thankful for these things.

Demoted

First, my pink jewellery box got demoted to just a plastic case. Then today, she had packed all my clothes and my extra pair of shoes and asked me to bring home. I'm not staying over anymore mah, so shouldn't need to have all those things at adam's place anymore. Even my spare hairband.

Somehow, I feel like I have been demoted. And it is because I can't stay over anymore. WTF.

It just got better

I forgot to complain yesterday about the amount of readings I have to do for the stupid GP. Yes, the ppl at HSS don't call it FYP (Final Year Project), they choose to call it GP (Graduation Project). Never do cannot graduate. Pah!

And those are just some background readings, i.e. all the courses we have been taking so far is USELESS. On top of tt, I will have to go find some of the studies done already and tt will probably be another 10 more articles. OMG.

So my holidays just got more MEANINGFUL.

Now tt I look at my calendar, I will start work on monday and tuition will continue on Mondays and Wednesday nights, plus all the readings... My time will just disappear man! Keeping me very very occupied... Argh!!! Tt's　why I don't like work. Let me just graduate and quickly start work!

Just a year more. It will pass in the blink of an eye.

It's sad

It's sad when good things come to an end. But then again, was it really good?? Now that u are crying and feeling down, is it really worth all the pain tt u go thru?? If it was a good thing, it wouldn't cause u pain and sorrow.

Maybe it is easy for others to say let go. U have been one of those ppl too before. But now tt it is ur turn, can u say no? Nothing is concrete yet, but think about it...

If he wants to eat the forbidden fruit, who can tell him no. If he decides to stay, will he really be satisfied with leaving the unknown to remain mysterious and stay by ur side? Who is to say tt his curiosity won't eat away at his heart, bit by bit, day by day?

On the other hand I know.

I know tt it hurts all the more because u love him. I know tt if he turns back, u will take his hand and everything will be forgotten. I know, because when I think of myself in ur shoes now, I know I will feel the same way too. I know tt is what will happen if he turns back too.

Nothing is set in stone yet so don't give up. Be proud of urself tt u are a sincere person tt stayed true to ur love. There is nothing to mourn for. Then again, don't make the ones tt really love u, worry for u.

I wish u weren't so far away tt I couldn't go to u. I wish I was able to say, "I will be right over."

I'm sorry tt I wasn't able to listen properly just now. I hope when u see this, u would be feeling better already. U have seen me in my worse pitfalls when it came to the matters of the heart. So please, let me know tt u are alright and tt u are willing to share ur thoughts and pain with me.

Zen

Today, before entering Nanyang Audi for our Cultural Psych paper, we walked to the toilet at the other end coz all the toilets were packed with ppl rushing to pee. The school was serene and the birds were chirping... We went into zen-mode too because of tt...

No matter what happens and what we do, the birds will always be chirping, the wind will continue to blow and the trees will be green. Life goes on. Ha.

Exams are coming

Technically, I only have 4 more days until my first paper. The amazing part? I am not anxious yet. Not even anxious THAT I am not anxious and that I have no mood to study at all. Haha! This is fucking deep shit!! But then, my mantra is, LIFE IS GOOD, so nothing should devastate me too much.

Just a bit sad that I have been swamped with project deadlines this past 2 weeks. BUt today is the last time I will be meeting the girls for project meeting for this semester. Just to tie up the loose ends and have the presentation slides done up. No matter how we may have our small differences and arguements, we really have good group dynamics. There is a kind of homeostasis within the group and everyone has a specific role to fulfill so really, work is really efficient. Come on, we can complete a project in A DAY if we set our minds to it. We've done it before, but I am sure we are not getting complacent. =)

Will be mugging at home from tml onwards, bye bye to hall. Will get to see Aya and Ami more. Just hope we don't kill each other with the overdose of seeing one another. hehe! Will be good to move home after staying in hall for 3 years. The 3 years were really good fun but now tt final year is coming and most of the RAINBOW SISTERS are not in hall anymore, it's kinda lonely I think. Just hope I survive this semester's exams too!!

we have become

so stubborn and strong that we have forgotten that we are made of flesh and bone too. We have forgotten that it is alright to ask for help and allow others to see that we are weak.

Learn to open your mouth and ask for help when you really need it. No point keeping your mouth shut and hiding everything, thinking that you are shielding us from it. If you do, you are no different from him.

in the junlge of cities

After today, I can concentrate on "paperwork"... Yes, all the work that needs to be done and printed on paper.. hehe!!!

We will finish French presentation and the CDP101 Final Performance today. After tt, we can say goodbye to all the abstract and the intangible assignments and concentrate on the black and white.

Nervous, and this fluttering in my stomach... Doesn't quite feel like butterflies or nerves... More like... HUNGRY!! Oh my, the bread in the morning wasn't enough!!! Should grab something to eat later... Alright, got to go... Painting my face also later... Haiz... Muackz!!!

April's Fool Day

And so I played pranks on Crystal, Diane and Adam...

I think poor Crystal was the one that really kena hammed and really worried about us. =) Izyan and I had lied that we were not gg to do FYP together coz we had a fight... And we were basically asking Crystal to choose the side that she wanted to be on... When I saw the worried look on her face, well, I felt a tinge of guilt... So I shifted my concentration to my lor-mai-kai (which izyan had queued to buy for me in the morning) so that I won't laugh or do anything silly...

Could really see the relief on Crystal's face when we told her that it was just a prank... hahaha!!

Well, Di's and Adam's were a bit more complicated... Basically the same story, that I was gg back to Japan to finish my studies there. Bestie fell for it and was flustering about in her sms-es and asking me so many questions. I LOVE YOU BESTIE!!! Told my ma about the prank and she actually chided me for doing tt to u!! =) You have been officially adopted.

Adam said he woke up in the morning all prepared for April's Fool Day so he didn't fall for it... A bit sad tt the prank fell flat but wells, dinner was on him. Had this Irish Stew with lamb and vegetables and it was ADDICTIVE!

I was telling Adam tt I might start developing a crave for it. It was so nice lah!! The lamb was tender and no funky smell to it. The broth was FANTABULOUS!! It was served simply with a breadroll. I tell you, I will miss it on rainy days when the raindrops are falling outside the window and the TV is showing CSI... I will want to just curl up on the sofa, all showered and clean in my PJs, with a bowl of tt Irish Stew and some breadrolls... Heaven!!

Oh, but before we had dinner, Adam pranked me... A small teeny one. We parked in front of some private houses and there was this darkened house.

Adam: "We are gg to eat at this fellow's house... No. 70... Eh, no... No. 68."
Me : "Seriously? Are you sure?"
(All I could see was a darkened house...)
Adam: "Yah. See the stone lions on the pillars there? It means it's a restaurant."
Me : "ARE YOU SURE?! But I think they are closed... *spots something*... Wait! It says here *something* Junior Playhouse!!"
Adam: "wahahahahahahahaha!!!"

And tt was when I realised, he is always pulling small pranks on me, each time we meet... Haha!! And making me laugh at his antics, his weird idea for the prank or at my own stupidity when he really gets me. And I knew then tt, I will probably feel very sad the day he stops doing tt to me. =) I hope I always remain his number one target for tickles and jokes.

P.S: Harmless jokes fine. Not those make-me-sia-suay kind... haha!

MindCafe

We went to MindCafe last night!!! It was really fun, crash course on several games... Had dinner there too. Actually, not much of a dinner. WC said he wasn't tt hungry so shared the Crispy Chicken Platter with him. The bill came up to $10 so I passed him a $5 note. Then he gave me a dollar back.

Me: "Why are you giving me a dollar? Share half-half right?"
WC: "No, it's ok. I will eat more than you."

Yah right... just a dollar more? He damn funny lah... And the whole time we were sharing, he was telling me to eat faster if not got no more for me. Wahahaha!!!

After everyone was satiated with their meals, the games started!! We played Balderdash first. Coz it was very Americanised and we didn't know the answers to all the categories, we decided to alternate between the intials/acronyms and the laws one...

E.g. "P.L.O.W" and "In Mexico, it is illegal for a man to climb..."
We came up with all sort of funny shit and I tell you, Adam, ever the cockster, came up with some of the more irritatingly-obvious-that-is-wrong kind of answers... But he wasn't very good at the game though. He was left behind while we all moved on ahead on the board...

We played Jurassic Jumble too. Like Heart Attack but we had to collect all 9 bones of the dinosaur and then grab the bones on the table. It was damn funny lah. Adam missed twice and he had to eat a packet of chili sauce each time. After tt, he was a bit more kanchiong. Too kanchiong. I almost couldn't grab a bone thanks to his fat body totally blocking the table lah! =)

The Snorta, was a bit more low-key. Didn't find it interesting after we had just played Jurassic Jumble. But Strategy was good!!

It got all of us really discussing and planning our moves as to how to build up our own winning formation while blocking other people from getting their formation. The last round was good. Yiling and I trashed Adam and Felix. They thought they were definitely gg to win but we were a turn ahead so WE WON!!! Wahahaha!!! Really savoured the look of defeat on their faces...

It was about 12 each just for the games, dinner excluded. But it was a fun-filled duration of 2 hours. Enjoyed every single minute of it. =)

Being loved

gives you the upper hand coz personally, no emotional attachment thus less concern and less affected. So the mounting insecurities are probabaly nothing but a passing phase. Plus, I love myself more than anything in the world. I have already reached the highest level attainable for self-preservation I think.

Anyway, have decided to shut down this particular portal to a particular aspect of my life coz the drama occurring there is too much for me to keep up with. Oh, please don't ask me what is it, coz I might just bite. Calling everyday to ask for updates is a heart-stopping activity and even then, sometimes knowing doesn't make me feel any better. Plus, although the parties concerned have already adopted a jaded and "let's-laugh-it-off" approach to this matter at hand, I find that I can hardly keep up this facade. Super tiring to put on the "everything-in-the-world-is-nice-and-rosy" smile on the face. I am not suffering inside lah, just super sick of it.

Doesn't help that at the moment, nothing concrete about the outcome can be anticipated. Doesn't help of course, that we are all scrambling to make allowances and compromises, indefinitely. How long more do you need or are you just testing our patience?? Seriously, I think I have already stopped trying to be patient. I am just waiting for time to pass and hoping that you can clear it up yourself. May you be enlightened soon.

This week has been a busy week starting from the weekend. So, yes, work has kept my mind off from the unnecessary drama. Seriously feel indebted to Diane for putting up with all my nonsense. Thank you, I hope you are reading this. I don't know when I can return you the favour, but be patient with me please. My bestie can tahan a lot of nonsensical ramblings and favours from me, I know, I am blessesd.

I know I am being loved, and I don't want to have the upper hand actually. I am loving, every single one of the people that matters to me, back.

I don't think he knows

that it takes a lot of effort to be aloof. To be detached and cool about many things. Or has my being chill about things led to more of such shit?

Anyway, he's back in one piece so I guess tt's good. Not tt he went to a dangerous place. Guess what he got for me? A Dou-mo kun soft toy. Yes, a soft toy all the way from Taiwan. And that is after I had just told him I think soft toys are cute but a waste of space. I just told him before he left. I still rem the incident, coz we had seen a giant Hello Kitty soft toy in Plaza Singapura and I had commented it was cute but a total waste of space. And he still bought a soft toy for me. From Taiwan. Yay.

I have to say that, it took a lot of effort to say thank you. I couldn't meet him in the eye lah. And he was still saying, "Couldn't find Ham-taro so bought this..." Seriously, at that moment, I felt like I was falling into a well lah... Can feel my heart sinking. Was he not listening?? Or, was it a token gift for the gf tt was waiting at home...

I know, the stereotypical thinking is that all girls like cute cuddly soft toys... So, just buy a soft toy to placate her... Seriously, even now, I feel disappointed lah. And it isn't even nice to hug. It's shaped like a dice, and quite thick so it's really quite a chore to hug it to my chest... Can suffocate myself with it lah.

I feel so "ARGH!" and it didn't help tt it was obvious he enjoyed himself there lah. Just saw the photos online. Fucking pissed off right now.

Time seems so slow

when I am waiting for something. Not exactly, waiting but still, yah...

I managed to somehow finish the slides for the presentation and make it one of my most comprehensive piece of work. I still have Clare's report to do but well, my mind is a bit preoccupied at the moment.

It's so strange how I can miss him although it's been only 2 days and well, he's already coming back tml. I mean, we've not met for tt long too before but the fact that he is not as easily contactable just makes me feel more intensely i guess.

But time away from him gave me room to do my own things also. Things that I would have definitely been distracted away from if he was around. Still at the stage of motivation where I am easily led away... But well, my priorities are firming up and I know I can stick to it.

The True Me (according to blogthings.com)

The True You

You want your girlfriend or boyfriend to do more for you. With respect to money, you spend as little as possible. You think good luck will definitely be yours, someday. The hidden side of your personality tends to be satisfied to care for things with a minimal amount of effort. You are tend to think about others' feelings a lot, perhaps because you are so eager to be liked. When it comes to finding a romantic partner, you base your search on information from your friends.

Who's" The True You?

Insecurity

How secure am I with my current relationship? I don't think I am really secure leh... Or am I?? I like to think I am. But sometimes I will find myself using all of my self-control not to bark and bite. Especially after listening to Huiyun, I think maybe there is a case of double-standards going on inside my mind.

Is it a false sense of security? But I like to think that he is sincere too. And that it is all friendliness and not flirtations. Signs of commitments are there too. Maybe I ask for too much?? Or have I, this time round, found something that I am a bit too afraid to let go?? Then I am so screwed...

I know that I am starting to suck at playing the aloof and cool persona. Really. Emotions and thoughts written all over my face sometimes, I can feel it. Lost control of facial muscles to maintain the mask. I dunno which is more tiring - maintaining the mask and staying in control, or letting go and then worrying about the consequences later... Argh!!

People can hurt you because they can touch you. People can break you because they can reach you. That's so sad isn't it? Every move, every contact and every word is a gamble.

Cute Pictures

I was just browsing the net for some cute pictures to change my blog's main picture. Like the new one... Red and glowy and well, just very striking... Then I came across this picture as well and I felt that it was really cute too so here it is!!!

They remind me of the keychains that I got for Adam and I on Valentine's Day. Somehow just reminded me of them. So cute right?! Too bad they blended in too well with the blog so won't stand out...

Rainy

It's been raining on and off (mostly on, though) the past few days and thanks to that I think my average body temperature has dropped. The extremities of my body is perpetually ice-cold and even when I snuggle under my blanket, my feet will leave a cold spot on the bed...

I want to be hugged and snuggle in warmth... Seriously, when was the last time I was able to even consider washing bedsheets simply coz the sun is out?? Now it's like, horde everything until cannot already then send everything down to the washing machine to wash... Even then, the clothes take twice the time to dry out I think.

Mould is growing on my Birks thanks to the damp.

The cold makes me feel just that little bit more vulnerable too. And I don't like feeling vulnerable. Haiz...

Hope the sun comes out soon and makes me strong again...

Table Sharing

I shall release the inner bitch in me today. I know, in the past I used to be blatantly-bitchy but have learnt to repress it and control it in an attempt to attain a more stable and balanced persona. That sense of control has led to me feeling more calm and less easily irritated by the mundane things in life like missing the bus, late tuition payment, empty toothpaste tube, etc.

But today, A MAN managed to unleash the inner bitch in me. It took just ONE MAN to do that and without even being in my presence for 5 secs, he had managed to make me rage with anger (inside).

This BRAVE MAN, decided to share a table at the Jurong Point foodcourt with me and my sister.

What's the big deal, some might say. Well, this COURAGEOUS MAN decided to share the table with us WITHOUT ASKING FOR OUR PERMISSION!!!

Aya and I had left our Crumpler bag and an Adidas gym bag on our seats at the table to go buy our food. We took all our valuables and left just our bags there. Off we went, thinking happily that, yes, we will be able to chat with a little privacy over our dinners and share some laughs and what-nots. I was the first to arrive back at our table.

I almost dropped my tray when I saw that man sitting at our table right next to my precious gym bag and eating his chicken rice. I went up to him and said in the most civilised voice that I could muster, "Excuse me, these are our bags. We got this table first."

He had the cheek to tell me that," Got no more empty tables already." I have eyes. I can see that. There is a reason why we waited for more than 10 minutes for an empty table too. I know I wasn't away from the table for long, maybe 3min?? I bought lor-mee coz that stall had no queue so I was really fast. Judging from the amount of food that was already missing from his plate, I tell you, I AM BLOODY FUCKING SURE he sat down at our table JUST WHEN WE WALKED AWAY to buy our food.

He didn't even ask if we were alright with sharing the table. HOW BLOODY FUCKING DARE HE DO THAT!!!

I tell you, I wasn't happy. So was Aya. She pulled a face at me from afar when she was still en route to the table. She thought I had ALLOWED the man to sit at our table you see. I tell you, I felt so misunderstood at that moment.

We pointedly ignored the man and carried on with our dinners and chatted about Mas Selamat, about school, work, home, etc.

"Now at this time, very hard to find tables hor? Hor? Hor?"

THAT MAN still had the mood to make small talk with us. We didn't even turn to him man. We just semi-nodded and then carried on with our own conversation. At that moment, I couldn't even feel sorry for him that he was eating alone. And I simply had to shut him off from my senses coz he was making the worst kind of slurpy noises, sucking away at the chicken bones I think.

And he took his time to eat too! A normal person will eat quickly and go coz they might feel awkward sharing a table with others but NO!!! In fact, when the 2 of us had finished our dinners, he was still eating the rice and drinking the soup.

I tell you, I am alright with sharing tables if you have the DECENCY TO ASK but he did not. Tt's what peeves me. That was the final push that tipped me off the cliff and unleash the inner bitch. It's a wonder I managed to reign myself in and not be sarcastic there and then at the table.

Now, I shall take a deep breath and enjoy the peace in my heart again. *zen*

Nibbles

We went to "Nibbles" in Chinatown on Sunday!! You basically stick your feet into this pool of water where these "dead-skin-cells-eating" fishes are kept and try to keep very very still... And the fishes will come and nibble away all the dead skin cells.

9 of us went on this adventurous outing - 5 guys and 4 girls. All the girls shared a tub and all the guys shared a tub. It was really ticklish and almost unbearable in the beginning but after a while. I found myself ignoring the fishes... It wasn't painful or anything like tt...

Check out our pretty little feet in the tub!!! Yiling was daring all of us to spread our toes but I was so afraid of the tickle that I refused!!! But I have to say, the fishes were mostly drawn to our heels... All of us basically have more dead skin there I guess!

Wei Lan and I held hands in the beginning coz it was so bloody ticklish and I have to admit that I did jump a little when one of the fishes went to nibble at my sole... We couldn't sit still lah!! But the zen-ness in us came out in the end. We decided that if we didn't see the fishes, we wouldn't feel the tickle so much!

Dinner in Chinatown!!! Check out the Gay Boys doing their best ad pose for Singapore Tourism Board!!! Singapore is an OPEN SOCIETY. They are simply BFFs...

Yiling and I look so good thanks to Ryan's superb camera. Brand new too, he says... Just bought it the previous afternoon...

And that was the end of our healthy outing on a lazy sunday afternoon... =)