Sore Feet and Body

I hate my cheongsam... It's super tight tt even if I didn't have a figure, it would have squeezed a magnificent one out of me... Bloody hell, can't even breathe properly after lunch all thanks to the uniform... And blisters appeared on my feet coz of the sandals...

And now I have a sore body coz of Cheer... Especially, a sore shoulder... Very tired... But it was fun... Jesse is SUPER ZHAI... I have never seen so much strength from a tiny body like hers... And tml still go mambo... Shall sleep in tml morning... Bleh!!!

Make Money and Make Merry

Oh my god, finally... Exams are over... My misery is gone...

Time to make money and spend on the vices of a girl... Clothes, Shoes, Manicure, Pedicure, Bags, Coffee, Lunches, Dinners, Pubbing, Clubbing, Movies, the list is endless... Oh my... Haha!! All the possibilities...

Can finally concentrate on what I had no time to do for the past few weeks and during school... I have been Ssssssssoooooooooooooo neglecting my own welfare... Haha! As IF!!!

I think I'll go crazy just planning and plotting what I can do during this holidays... Too bad tt skiing (like what my dad had promised me) in Hokkaido is out of the equation coz of Cheerleading but dang! Wish I could have tried on tt new winter coat tt papa had bought for me... Oh my... Oh my...

Thursday Night

Finally, THE NIGHT... The one last night to endure before the FINAL BATTLE... Freedom is less than 24hours away but it will feel like eternity... I just know tt when I see the first paper, time will fly by and I'll find myself and light and carefree... But the wait till the paper starts, man... It's so long...

Let me recap what I did today...

Woke up at a little past 12 and took a shower... Had a cheese sandwich and settled down to study HP802... Crappy subject... Then played a round of mahjong and won $7... Went for dinner with Emma, Hongliang and Kay Jiunn... Gossiped a bit over dinner... Went to JCRC room with them to study a little bit more... Qimou and Kaleong came to talk cock a bit... Wrapped up my econs and came back to room... Washing laundry now... Blogging...

Such a boring day... Motivation level is zilch... Very busy after tonight...

Saturday have to go Mandarin for cheongsam fitting and meet Diane after tt to go shopping... Oh yah, tml must send out the name list of the attendees for the Cheerleading Safety Workshop... Bleh!!!

Red bumps

Oh my goodness!!! I'm having an outbreak... Eeewww... Why outbreak only when I am 1 day away from freedom?? Shite...

And they are BRIGHT RED... Why now?? How do I go clubbing tml like that??? =(

With Every Breath ~Sixpence None the Richer~

Hallelujah from the heavens
Hallelujah in the heights above the earth
Hallelujah all His angels
Hallelujah for the last will be first
Let everything that has breath praise the Lord
Let everything that has breath praise the Lord

Hallelujah in the morning
Hallelujah for the beauty of His scars
Hallelujah in the twilight
Hallelujah sun and moon and shining stars
Let everything that has breath praise the Lord
Let everything that has breath praise the Lord

When the night seems so long (throw your hands to the sky)
You can sing a new song (wipe the tears from your eyes)
When you're weak, He is strong
He can heal your wounded soul
And calm the storm inside

For all your times of laughter
In every hopeful prayer
When the world weighs on your shoulders
Through sorrow and your despair
With everything, with every breath, praise the Lord
Let everything, let every breath praise the Lord
Let everything that has breath praise the Lord
Let everything that has breath praise the Lord
Let everything that has breath praise the Lord
Let everything, let every breath praise the Lord

When the night is so long (throw your hands to the sky)
You can sing a new song (wipe the tears from your eyes)
When you're weak, He is strong
He can heal your wounded soul
And calm the storm inside

San Francisco & California Dreaming

All the leaves are brown, and the sky is grey
I've been for a walk, on a winter's day
I'll be safe and warm, if I was in L.A.
California Dreaming on such a winter's day

If you're going to San Francisco
Be sure to wear some flowers in your hair
If you're going to San Francisco
You're gonna meet some gentle people there

Haha! Makes me miss Devil's actually... Diane, do you want to look for some trouble there? You never know what kind of surprise will await us there... These 2 songs never fail you know? Never fail to remind me of Devil's and uh-humph and uh-humph and uh-humph... Haha!

And suddenly miss dancing to these 2 songs... The mindless techno-dance, euro-dance, whatever... And maybe even the pole... Haha!! Oh my, I can't concentrate on economics and implications of inflation... What's with Real and Nominal comparisons...?

Nominal GDP is a measure of GDP in which the quantities produced are valued at current-year prices. Real GDP is a measure of GDP in which the quantities produced are valued at the prices in a base year rather than at current prices... Get it? I do, but I'm lost after that part...

Oh my, all the econs I studied in Year 1 back in TP are all gone... I can't even recall my econs' tutor's name although there isn't a point in remembering his or her name... I just hope that the questions that come out during the exams happen to make sense to me and that I can find an answer to them...

And then there's HP802 too... Oh man, what kind of shit have I landed myself in by taking up these 2 GE and PE to have the exam papers on the same day...

Charity Work

Yesterday and today combined, I have played 4 rounds of mahjong(so far) and everytime i won some money except just now when we played with weimin... I lost $4.40... I shall treat tt a charity work...

Dear Di...

Dear Di,

we will have a slight crowd control problem on Wednesday, 30th Nov 2005 when we go to Mambo... U see, very much the whole of Mandarin's Front Office will be there too to embrace music from our not too far history... And I have Uni friends who might be going as well as like one said, he hasn't seen zouk since it reopened to the public...

And of course, there will be Bel with her NTU friends... We might have a lil problem trying to find an empty spot on the Ladies' Floor... Haha!! But I guess tt would not be a problem considering u tend to conquer any platform tt u want... And oh yes, if my Uni friends do go, apparently someone is interested in seeing who u are... When he said tt, it didn't quite please me but i just "haha" on MSN... Anyway, i pointedly said u are already attached to an alpha male... Let's keep the knowledge tt u are attached, to ourselves only on Wednesday... Attached girls usually do not have as much fun... Tt's what u told me long long time ago at Devils' remember?

"Aki, stop telling everyone u meet tt u have a bf..."

And dear Di, although i already have my clubbing wardrobe organised and ready for me, I am still open to the idea of going to town to shop some more... A girl can't get enough of clubbing tops and maybe a new belt?? Maybe even a sparkly necklace to up the glam factor of my plain-coloured spag straps...

Yours Truly,
Aki

Monday Morning Blues

It's a rainy day... And I had to pull myself off the bed and avoid the advances of my Oh so Charming blanket... It's so ccccooooooolllllllllddddddddddd.........

Bleh! Bored...

Cold and Restless

It's cold... And the goosebumps on my legs are like... Shouldn't have worn FBT shorts... Kinda wrapped up under my blanket...

Trying to read my HP802 but nothing concrete is staying in the brain... Sad... Tml shall start on Econs and spend 3 days on it... Thursday shall be my crash course in HP802 again...

Restless, can't seem to find a single spot in the room tt will quieten me down... And also maybe coz music of some kind keeps floating around in my mind... I dun noe what it is but it sounds so familiar yet so strange... Wish i had my piano now so tt i can play it out and see how i feel about it...

My nails are distracting me!!! The candy pink looks so delicious... haha! Makes me want to suck on my own fingers (ok, maybe tt didn't come out right)... They look pretty but sexy...? It's a wonder how nice nails can give me such a big ego boost...

I realised tt some of the keypads on my laptop has been worn out and is sort of fading... Haha! I think i blogged too much... Hehe! Maybe not blogging but doing html work on the skins... I am continuing my search for beautiful skins tt i might use and working on them even now... So tt i can change skin anytime i want... To suit my moods...

My mind is drawing a blank when it comes to academics but it's so full with abstract thoughts tt i just can't settle down... It feels plain, weird... This might just be tt one sleepless night when i can't rest coz something is bothering me but at the same time, i can't rest coz i dun noe what is it tt's bothering me... Bleh!

I wish i could psychoanalyse myself... But i'll probably have personal bias... I think i should ask someone to tell me what kind of person they think i am... And sort of compile everything... Get to know myself from other ppl's perspectives.... haha!!

Ooh... Dark chocolate... Releases endorphines...

Hopefully tt chocolate will soothe my soul... Have never liked milk chocolate ever since i first tasted dark chocolate... Tt bitter-sweet taste reminds me of love... And the u are not supposed to chomp onto dark chocolate... Just let it melt slowly and gently on ur tongue and let tt smooth liquid slide down ur throat... It is heaven to me... Nothing beats chocolate-covered strawberries and a glass of champagne or chardonnay... Haha! Expensive taste, maybe, but these moments are frightfully rare...

Can u just imagine this scene for me?

A bathroom lit gently with warm yellow lights, soft music is playing and there a huge mirror atop the wash basin... Lavendar-scented candles burning and u are sitting comfortably in a warm bubble bath, sipping on champagne and biting luxuriously into the chocolate-covered strawberries...
Soft, fluffy towels are laid within reach and the terry-cloth robe is on the hook... U pad quietly into the adjoining bedroom and the bed has rose petals strewn around on the floor...
The clean white sheets are cool to touch while the blanket has this inviting warmth and softness tt totally wraps u... The curtains are drawn back and lights twinkle amidst the dark night sky... It's the rest of the city, displaying the lights to u in all their splendour...
It's noisy and alive outside in the city but u are safe and warm in ur own lil world, and snuggle in for a relaxing night, luxurious rest...

Maybe the rose petals were a lil too much, but u get my drift...

Sunday before The Party

Can't wait... Friday is drawing near...

I have already had my manicure and pedicure done on Friday... The girl's name was Nonie and she was good man... Her massage felt great and the colours she picked for me were very suited for me and i'm happy tt i got my nails squared and not rounded... Diane was right... And Raye came to do her brows.. Was surprised when her bf came to say hi...

Went to Zara to buy 2 spag straps in Christmas colours haha! Diane bought this Yogie bear T-shirt... So cute!!!

I just bought this new pair of clubbing heels today on the way back to school... It's faux snakeskin in army green... About 2 inches so it's just nice for dancing... Haha! A bit like my Power-Shoes... And I guess Diane was right again to say tt she told Bel tt heels serve as a fulcrum for both her and I when it comes to dancing... Bel wonders why we can dance on heels but we just can't dance without heels!!

And i bought a new pair of jeans with a longer length to complement the new heels... It's still fitting but it has a rugged texture and finish to it tt i love... It totally looks kick-ass to me... And i just could see how this pair would become my all-time fave jeans to club in... Haha!!!!

There are already 5 ppl on the party-list for Friday and there are more hopping on to party wagon... Just can't wait to just dance insanely... My god! I am soooooo party-deprived... It's like an addiction and no amount of rehab will make me kick tt habit... Maybe when i grow a lil older and lose my endurance and stamina... haha!!

Shall learn to embrace partying again... Don't want to, like yw said, party only coz i'm looking for an escape from reality... I dun want to hide anymore...

I still think of him, and maybe miss him even, but i dun cry anymore.... When moments like these come, i just smile and continue doing what i was doing... yw said, u are like, strong but not strong... Haha! Not here not there kinda?? Well, I feel so much more at peace with myself and life... Have never felt so full of anticipation and excitement...

Diane and I have a date on the 30th to mambo together... When was the last time we partied together? Just the 2 of us? And a bunch of cai-tous? Huh? Haha! We'll have to start from scratch coz the likes of Bran, Alvin and Glenn are not ard anymore...

I am soooo ready.... Bring it on!!!

WoOoOoHoOoOo

Phew... Finally, HP200 is over and i can take a lil sniff at the freedom tt is beckoning... The most stressful part is over... Left with HP802 and Econs... Cross my fingers tt everything will be ok...

Will be meeting Diane later for coffee... While waiting for my laundry, shall pack my bag, clean the room a bit, slap on some make-up and wind down a bit...

Have to get my watch fixed and get my mani-pedicure... Man, i totally deserve it... Maybe drop by Mandarin to see if the rest are there... To look for Ms Ng also to check with her on tt job... Have to get back to Winnie about it also...

Peckish now... Shall root around in my fridge to see if there is still something in there tt is fit for human consumption...

New Skin

Looking at my new skin, i feel refresh and reflective... Refreshed tt i have put my boredom aside and reflective coz i try to imagine what was it i wanted to express with this new skin of mine...

Well, I guess it's tt romantic, sombre mood tt got to me... Decided to do away with toughness and suaveness of the feminine kind for a while... Haha! The Be-A-Bitch campaign has just flown out of the window...

I wish tt tml will come quickly... End my misery and free my soul (or brain?)... My legs are restless after watching "So you think you can dance" but my legs won't be performing the quick step anytime soon... More like trashing it out on the dancefloor at Mambo... I can only stare ruefully at my "dance shoes" and will myself to stay close to my books and notes...

Lord have mercy and free me soon from this monotonous period...

Things to do on this Friday

(1) Take HP200 exam
(2) Pack HP802 notes to bring home and read
(3) Get a manicure
(4) Get a pedicure done at the same time
(5) Meet Diane for whatever
(6) Go home for dinner
(7) Slack in front of the TV
(8) Read through HP802

How exciting... Bleh! =P

It's freaking early...

I can't believe i am still awake at this hour... Maybe watching Artem has made my mind go into some sort of overdrive... Too bad he's married, but i'll never be able to put his long elegant legs out of my mind... And of course, tt lean and toned bod of his...
He just has tt smouldering look in his eyes when he is passionate about it and it makes me just want to melt... And when he smiles, god, is he gorgeous... There will be this twinkle in his eye tt makes me want to ruffle up his hair...
Rugged and poised, manly and mature... I just can't get over his Jude Law-ish charm and like Limei said, yah, he has tt Aragorn look... I still think he was the best when doing the Paso Doble and actually, he was good at everything he did... Just took my breath away... He is the kind of man tt u will find as the lead in a splendid romance novel...
To me, Artem oozes sex appeal and coolness... He owns it... With those eyes of his and a body like tt, man... I would kill to have him do the Paso Doble with yours sincerely....
Muackz! =)

Hell Week

I hope tml comes and goes quickly, then HP102 will be out of the way... Then friday will bring HP200 and then i'll be able to breathe easy... Somehow, after Friday, I will be able to stretch a little... And looking at James' past year paper for Tourism, i miss tt kind of talk-cock kind of exam... Can use ur innovation and creativity and some glib comments to fake it through... Oh man, i'm so god at it, i should just go back to the tourism industry...

My bracelet

The bracelet tt my dad gave me for my birthday present has snapped... Realised it only tt day when we were playing mahjong... One of the hearts sort of broke and I really felt blue... U see, tt part wasn't made of chain such tt u can link it back...

My mum had warned me tt it was delicate so i shouldn't wear it so often but i didn't listen and now it is broken... God, i feel so sad... I kinda cried and said sorry to my dad over the phone last night... I think tt was the one thing tt he gave me which i liked a lot... Really a lot...

The dress watch tt my dad gave me, i dropped and broke it... My ex bought me a titus to replace it and i know my dad was kinda disappointed when he saw i didn't wear the watch he bought me anymore but i didn't have the guts to tell him i dropped his watch...

Now the bracelet he got me is broken too... The only gifts tt are still fine is those tt i rarely use... I feel so bad, but my wrist feels funny too... Kinda got used to having a bracelet on so now my wrist feels too naked without it... I dun know why i miss it so much when i dun even really like gold accessories....

US

I feel so much inside tt I feel like I'm choking... So many things, so many factors contribute to this feeling tt i have inside...

Last night, someone told me tt if i don't feel like doing what is right, then don't... The analogy tt i gave him was simple enough... But if he knew what was the debate tt was gg on in me, would he have said tt?? The funny thing is, he of all ppl should have most understood... After all, he seems to be forever stuck in tt cycle since ever... The truth would hurt too much...

He, the one person tt for a moment in the past, i used to look at with pitiful scorn... For not being able to step out and "do the right thing"... Who knew i would be in the same predicament one day?? And as to what limei told me, yah, i would definitely hate him if it turned out to be true... After all tt violent denials and aggressive defensiveness, how could i not if it was true...? And yah girl, u had a point there about not being open and being petty if i were to be tt way but what the fuck?! Like what Kherray said, I have put up with enough shit... Why be the gracious one and bestow one with friendliness when all i had was nothing and lies?? False hopes given and only to be crushed by the same person...

Hate to be reliving it now again when i had managed to paste together a nice enough mask to hide behind... Oh man, why did we have tt conversation again in the first place? I am sooooo, no, too easily affected... Damn!

And in life, it's so easy to say and know what is right and wrong but how often do we really do what we preach? I hate smoking but give in to tt mindless relaxation when i'm stressed and man, why did i give in at mambo tt night?! It was easy to curse and swear at tt guy tt let ur friend down, but when it happens to u, can u react with such suaveness and coolness? Things like tt... Oh man, and why do Diane and i always lead parallel lives? We are like the predictors of each other's lives... When something happens to one, it is bound to happen to the other soon enough... It's just plain freaky...

It is just scary tt after not talking for so long, we sit down to talk and realise tt we have been leading almost identical lives... What does tt say?? Oh man, we lead such messed up love lives... Whatever happened to Happily Ever After?? DId our fairy godmothers forget about us??

What was it about tt bet?? About B&J and dinner and movie... What was tt about?? What was with tt "so u want a lot of fun la"... It's gg round in my mind... What is it about tt flirtatious talk online? Ok, maybe not flirtatious, it just happens... But what the fuck!!! All these and more is spinning around in my head... I feel like i'm in the eye of a storm and watching as the things tt the tornado has swept up, goes round and round around me... And see no way out of it...

Yah limei, it's a love-hate thing... How heartwarming tt the world is such a complicated place... And why did i, or since when did i give up on my BE-A-BITCH campaign?? It's so much easier to be cold and hard, not warm and bubbly... Then u just feel the pressure to always smile and feel good about the world...

Oh man, like i said last night, am i gg thru menopause?? Oh man, super no mood for things... What is life and why do we live? How does one see any meaning to life when pain and sorrow seems to be in everything tt we see? What is our ultimate purpose in life when we should all die in the end... What is the main reason behind having emotions and the ability to feel? And what are thoughts for when they can torment... And why do we feel afraid? If we all fail to exist and think after death, what was the whole purpose behind all tt we did before we passed...?

Oh man, feeling crappy... And i just dyed my hair... And i wonder why did i even bother when it's gg to grow out again and i'll need to colour it again... small thing like tt....

I want the beach, where i can just bask in the warmth of the sun and play in the water, and just simply be naive again... Knowing too much has made me wary of the world... It brings pain, yet i embrace it with so much hope for a better future... I can scream " Fuck u world, I hate u" but in the end, i still love being alive so much tt i start to think i'm a borderline case...

I love all the shit tt u can throw to me coz it makes me appreciate the good things in life better... I still love u and i don't know how long i can do tt until it turns to hate, but i still do...

miracle

Praying for a miracle... Dreaming of the seemingly impossible... Hoping for what is always just beyond my reach... Oh man... Now I know what Jem meant by exam period being the season of love... Sigh... How heartwarming to see a honeymoon couple 24/7 when i am aching inside... Trying hard to maintain all tt i have managed to muster in this short period, trying to remain cool and collected about everything... Trying not to have think of all the "what ifs" and all the "it could have beens".... It's so hard to keep hiding behind a facade... How long can i hold up?? And why do I find it so hard to let go...? Coz i'm still dreaming??

HP102

What's with the wordiness?? And somehow i find tt this is a "memorise" kind of subject... Only 2 chapters down, my god... How do i finish the remaining 11...? I am soooooo dead.... Bleh!!! =P

Revelation

Suddenly it dawned on me, tt i still have feelings for him.

Why Do You Love Me

I'm no barbie doll
I'm not your baby girl
I've done ugly things and I have made mistakes
And I am not as pretty as those girls in magazines
I am rotten to my core if they're to be believed
So what if I'm no baby bird hanging upon your every word?
Nothing ever smells of roses that rises out of mud

Why do you love me
Why do you love me
Why do you love me, it's driving me crazy
Why do you love me
Why do you love me
Why do you love me, it's driving me crazy

Why do you love me
Why do you love me
Why do you love me, it's driving me crazy
Why do you love me
Why do you love me

You're not some little boy
Why you acting so surprised
You're sick of all the rules
Well I'm sick of all your lies
Now I've held back a wealth of shit, I think I'm gonna choke
I'm standing in the shadows with the words stuck in my throat
Does it really come as a surprise when I tell you I don't feel good?
Nothing ever came from nothing man
Oh man, ain't that the truth

Why do you love me
Why do you love me
Why do you love me, it's driving me crazy
Why do you love me
Why do you love me
Why do you love me, it's driving me crazy

Why do you love me
Why do you love me
Why do you love me, it's driving me crazy
Why do you love me
Why do you love me

I get back up and I do it again
I get back up and I do it again
I get back up and I do it again
I get back up and I do it, I do it again

I think you're sleeping with a friend of mine
I have no proof but I think that I'm right
And you've still got the most beautiful face
It just makes me sad most of the time

I get back up and I do it again
I get back up and I do it again
I get back up and I do it again
I get back up and I do it, I do it again

Do it again
Do it again
Do it again

Why do you love me
Why do you love me
Why do you love me, it's driving me crazy
Why do you love me
Why do you love me
Why do you love me, it's driving me crazy

Why do you love me
Why do you love me
Why do you love me
Why do you love me

Fuck It ( I don't Want you back )

Whoa oh oh
Ooh hooh
No No No

[Verse 1:]
See, I dont know why I liked you so much
I gave you all, of my trust
I told you, I loved you, now thats all down the drain
Ya put me through pain, I wanna let u know how I feel

[Chorus:]
Fuck what I said it dont mean shit now
Fuck the presents might as well throw em out
Fuck all those kisses, they didn't mean jack
Fuck you, you hoe, I dont want you back

Fuck what I said it dont mean shit now
Fuck the presents might as well throw em out
Fuck all those kisses they didn't mean jack
Fuck you, you hoe, I dont want you back

[Verse 2:]
You thought, you could
Keep this shit from me, yeah
Ya burnt bitch, I heard the story
Ya played me, ya even gave him head
Now ya askin for me back
Ya just another act, look elsewhere
Cuz ya done with me

Fuck what I said it dont mean shit now
Fuck the presents might as well throw em out
Fuck all those kisses they didn't mean jack
Fuck you, you hoe, I dont want you back

Fuck what I said it dont mean shit now
Fuck the presents might as well throw em out
Fuck all those kisses they didn't mean jack
Fuck you, you hoe, I dont want you back

Oh ohUh huh yeah
Oh ohUh huh yeah
Oh ohUh huh yeah
Oh ohUh huh yeah

Ya questioned, did I care
You could ask anyone, I even said
Ya were my great one
Now its, over, but I do admit I'm sad.
It hurts real bad, I cant sweat that, cuz I loved a hoe

Fuck what I said it dont mean shit now
Fuck the presents might as well throw em out
Fuck all those kisses they didn't mean jack
Fuck you, you hoe, I dont want you back

Oh ohUh huh yeah
Oh ohUh huh yeah
Oh ohUh huh yeah
Oh ohUh huh yeah
[Until the end]

what do i want

He asked me, "what must i do, what do u want...?"

Actually, i don't need anything at all... Not any more... Nothing tt u give and say could mean anything to me anymore... Yes, there was once when a single hurting word would have reduced me to tears and ur one smile would have brightened my day...

We are 2 single entities now, and i am no longer affected by u... I feel only a passive dull ache when i see u sad and feel only a numbness and can only smile with no emotions...

This has to end, soon... Coz this is driving me crazy with guilt for being so unfeeling and it's driving me mad tt u are giving me shit during exams...

For the first time ever, i wish i still loved u, just so all this nonsense could stop... But it's not possible anymore...

first paper

First paper over and done with... Felt good about it... For the first time, felt assured tt exams in Uni isn't tt scary... Kinda happy tt the first paper is over and the next is in about 6 days' time... Time will fly and soon i'll be free again... Not exactly "free" kind of "free" but at least can stay away from academics for a month and recharge and brain cells... Have been putting in a lot of over time these few days and more to come in the next 3 weeks....

Tired, sleepy and hungry... Jap curry tonight!!!

not missing him

Haha!! I'm not missing him... Although some of u have told me tt my previous post seemed to indicate so... No... But he's not forgotten... Coz he was unforgettable...

And what we shared was unforgettable too.

the notebook

I have just watched The Notebook... I have not cried watching a film for a long long time... And i wasn't tearing... It was the full on, "i can't breathe" kind of crying... I was touched, beyond words...

For those of u who haven't watched the film and want to, stop here. Ask me for it, i'll send it to u... Watch and see for urself what true love is...

Watching Noah read to Ellie who has dementia was just a profound experience... I thought of my grandparents actually. They have passed away in recent times.

My grandfather was senile and lived at a hospice in the last 4-5years of his life... He basically couldn't remember anyone of us everytime we visited him, just like Ellie... Noah read to Ellie everyday, the story of them, tt Ellie herself had written in her younger years... He read to her, in the hope tt she would remember when everyone around was saying tt dementia was an irreversible illness and tt her memory will never come back.

Ellie couldn't remember the man tt she love so much. And my grandfather too... I know for one thing tt my grandparents were very much in love with each other... But he couldn't remember his wife anymore and she herself, contracted stomach cancer tt weakened her immune system. She couldn't go to the hospice to visit him as it wasn't good for her and travelling caused her pain... Watching the old Noah and Ellie just reminded me of them... And i grew sad, knowing tt i had never really had enough time with them. They were in Tokyo, I was in Singapore... When i finally went back to visit my grandparents after 6 years, my grandfather didn't know who i was and i remembered the tears my grandmother shed when she saw tt we had grown so tall.

Then, seeing young Noah and Ellie made me think of him... He wasn't my first love, but he was one man tt really loved me... Maybe we weren't as crazy as tt pair and we weren't as lucky to have so much time with each other, but we definitely had seen great days... We rarely fought, but tt was only coz he always gave in to my requests... When we did, it was big time with pushing, yelling, tears, screaming... But i know tt back then, he would have done the same thing as Noah, for me... We really loved each other and we were crazy about each other then... It just made me sadder tt it was gone too...

He was the one man tt made me believe tt i could depend on him for the rest of my life... I was sure tt he would love me, take care of me and we would be happy... But i guess i started asking and looking for too much... I wanted something more than a life with him... I thought his requests for me was too much but i was more selfish when i started seeking the freedom of youth tt was taken away in exchange for him... He gave so much to compensate but i was never satisfied...

Am i sorry now tt we have changed? I don't think so and i don't regret what we did... But who isn't sadden by a loss...? Loss of someone who cared deeply for me... And the pain tt i still cause him now... Sometimes i wish u wouldn't treat me so nice...

P.S: Even Limei says u are nice... U can put up with a lot of shit...

P.S.S: U won't get to see this anyway...

Boring afternoon

Watching the sunlight slowly disappear from my bed, makes me sleepy and tempted to take an afternoon snooze... But schizophrenia is waving its arms at me to continue reading on... Eyelids are drooping...

I wonder what's he doing now...

And why is blogger so slow these few days (i'm not the only one complaining)...

I wonder what soft toy i'll get... Not a hippo ba!! (pls, no...)

I wonder why we ended up like this...

I wonder what will we be like when exams are all over and holiday starts...

I wonder what i can do with all the wires tt are coiling around on my table...

I wonder where is a more secure place to place my webcam (it has toppled twice)...

I wonder why we ended up like this...

I wonder if i still can take this...

I wonder when will night fall to envelope me...

I wonder when i can go tanning again...

I wonder why i still think of him...

I wonder why letting go is so hard...

I wonder why freedom eludes me...

I wonder is it coz i refuse to let freedom take me...

And i wonder why i refuse to let it take me away...

I wonder why it is so difficult...

Why??

Milk

Limei was right...

Milk does make u want to go...

But it was never the case for me before...

I think it's just HL milk...

OK, I need to go...

Saturday Night

Limei bought the new Jay Chou CD and it is playing in our room now... All the songs tt i have heard so far are all sad and heavy on the mood... Makes me kinda down and lonely... Not in the bad way... The reflective kind of lonely...

It's a dull feeling inside tt makes me think of him at times like this... What is he doing, where is he...? Who is he with and what is he thinking about...? Not longing and missing him... But just a thought tt comes to mind...

It's just plain weird, tt i'm thinking of someone when it shouldn't be tt way anymore... Our story came to an end already and i have lots on hand, so why?? =P I wish i knew...

Things to do:
(1) Mass mail Cheer schedule
(2) Find tailor for Cheer uniform
(3) HP101
(4) Stop letting thoughts of him pop into my head
(5) Concentrate on HP101
(6) Stop blogging
(7) Stop thinking of him
(8) Can't stop blogging
(9) Concentrate 100% on HP101
(10) Stop wondering what is he up to now

I'm such a busy person, i can't breathe....

Dear Blog

Dear Blog,

I really can't concentrate on my HP101 while at home... Nothing is going in!!! I feel stuck... I only came home coz mama tempted me with sashimi and others (i.e. Yakiniku, Sweet&Sour Pork, etc.)... But there is something about home tt has been making me very sleepy eversince i stepped in...

Too many distractions and don't quite like the fact tt I have to walk more than 8 steps to go to the toilet... Don't quite like the fact tt snacks are not around when i need them and tt i actually have to cook REAL FOOD if i was hungry... Where are the chips and cookies tt my trusty shelf holds for me when i am studying??? All tt TV and VCDs are making me restless... And you know what Blog? I was actually so restless tt I switched on my ancient desktop (ok, it's not really ancient, but no one has laid hands on it after we each got our laptops) and played SIMS 2!!!! Like what the hell...

And i was so bored tt i actually surronded my poor sim with bushes so tt he couldn't run around to fulfill his needs... And basically he couldn't eat, had to sleep standing up and had to wet his pants right there... And of course, he just died there... I am turning into a basket case at home... And daytime TV is the WORST!!! Thank god for Channel 16 (Travel & Adventure, I LOVE YOU!!!) and of course, MTV... Just mindless entertainment...

Then, there was tt SMS from Di... What did she mean by "Long story babe, can't tell u on the phone?" Like, the suspense is killing me, my dear friend... And like "Rest ur heart and go study" will inspire me...!!! Bleh!!! The killer was, " Anyhow, what is Alvin's real name...." You mean tt ALVIN is NOT his REAL name?!?!?!?! Then what is he??? Count Dracula the First??? And why do i have to accompany u to Devil's Bar again after my exams??? I thought we already swore off tt place... I totally smell a scandal here... And u are NOT TELLING ME?!?!?!

It's nice and comfy to be at home but definitely need to stay in hall to mug... And all tt good food is spoiling me... I'm not complaining, but i just feel this general feeling of bloatedness (no, i've checked, i'm still 48kg) and it makes me feel fat (but nope, dun SEE any tummy bulge or things like tt, YET!)...

And the cheer thing is driving me nuts...

And a source of entertainment has died coz he has decided not to blog anymore...

And i feel sleepy again...

And i hate the fact tt exams will creep up and them suddenly slam me in the face with time racing by, not giving me a chance to breathe in btw papers...

And dear Blog, I wish for all this nonsense to end, quickly!!!!

Holiday

Haven't had my first paper yet but already looking forward to the holidays... Really can't wait for it to come... For once, I can breathe again and do all the things tt I want to do... Recharge my batteries and face whatever may come next semester...

Time really flies and feel kinda overwhelmed tt time is just passing me by... I stand at where I am now and sort of look back... When i thought i had not been able to walk away from, they are all sort of behind me now... Some of them still near, but definitely behind... And again, some things are still with me, clutched tightly to my chest... But whatever i hold in my hands now is dead... No amount of cajoling and effort on my part will get it to revive and be mine...

I now hold the empty shell of it... Nothing more...

Someone told me tt i'll probably meet some guy tt is interested in me soon, again, but no. Even if, a VERY BIG IF, there is one, i really don't think i can... Not just anyone will do... I'm picky and seriously, i still have a sorta model in the mind and tt someone (whoever it may be) will not be able to be everything tt i want...

I want someone tt is like him... Or do i...? Or do i just want him? No...? Or am i still searching for more to add on to my list of expectations...? Am i...?

I need long hair

It is confirmed tt i'll be going back to Mandarin to work as an escort this december... Wear the cheongsam, look pretty and smile... Stand at the lobby and basically be the guests' escort... Hahaha! Easy money but pity my poor feet then... But i used to stand 8 hours at the counter too... Should be alright..

Was joking with my manager tt i'll have to get push-up bras and padded undies to look good in the cheongsam... Hahaha!! Was kinda touched when one of my ex-colleagues sent me a msg thru friendster tt they are all waiting for me to go back... Oh my god!! Will be resuming part of my hectic night lifestyle with them AGAIN!!! My liver had better not disappoint me... hahaha!!!

Well, only problem, i need my hair to grow out fast so tt i can bun up my hair nicely... Does tt Pantene shampoo really work??

Revival

I just revived my chiong-shoes... With black ribbon, scissors, needle and thread, I have put off spending another 40bucks on a new pair of pointies tt i can wear to chiong... Was studying econs when it struck me tt i can rescue it... Haha!!! I think those shoes will live to see about 5 more rounds of dancing on the platforms and dancefloors... Haha!!! Muackz!!! =)