Last night, someone told me tt if i don't feel like doing what is right, then don't... The analogy tt i gave him was simple enough... But if he knew what was the debate tt was gg on in me, would he have said tt?? The funny thing is, he of all ppl should have most understood... After all, he seems to be forever stuck in tt cycle since ever... The truth would hurt too much...
He, the one person tt for a moment in the past, i used to look at with pitiful scorn... For not being able to step out and "do the right thing"... Who knew i would be in the same predicament one day?? And as to what limei told me, yah, i would definitely hate him if it turned out to be true... After all tt violent denials and aggressive defensiveness, how could i not if it was true...? And yah girl, u had a point there about not being open and being petty if i were to be tt way but what the fuck?! Like what Kherray said, I have put up with enough shit... Why be the gracious one and bestow one with friendliness when all i had was nothing and lies?? False hopes given and only to be crushed by the same person...
Hate to be reliving it now again when i had managed to paste together a nice enough mask to hide behind... Oh man, why did we have tt conversation again in the first place? I am sooooo, no, too easily affected... Damn!
And in life, it's so easy to say and know what is right and wrong but how often do we really do what we preach? I hate smoking but give in to tt mindless relaxation when i'm stressed and man, why did i give in at mambo tt night?! It was easy to curse and swear at tt guy tt let ur friend down, but when it happens to u, can u react with such suaveness and coolness? Things like tt... Oh man, and why do Diane and i always lead parallel lives? We are like the predictors of each other's lives... When something happens to one, it is bound to happen to the other soon enough... It's just plain freaky...
It is just scary tt after not talking for so long, we sit down to talk and realise tt we have been leading almost identical lives... What does tt say?? Oh man, we lead such messed up love lives... Whatever happened to Happily Ever After?? DId our fairy godmothers forget about us??
What was it about tt bet?? About B&J and dinner and movie... What was tt about?? What was with tt "so u want a lot of fun la"... It's gg round in my mind... What is it about tt flirtatious talk online? Ok, maybe not flirtatious, it just happens... But what the fuck!!! All these and more is spinning around in my head... I feel like i'm in the eye of a storm and watching as the things tt the tornado has swept up, goes round and round around me... And see no way out of it...
Yah limei, it's a love-hate thing... How heartwarming tt the world is such a complicated place... And why did i, or since when did i give up on my BE-A-BITCH campaign?? It's so much easier to be cold and hard, not warm and bubbly... Then u just feel the pressure to always smile and feel good about the world...
Oh man, like i said last night, am i gg thru menopause?? Oh man, super no mood for things... What is life and why do we live? How does one see any meaning to life when pain and sorrow seems to be in everything tt we see? What is our ultimate purpose in life when we should all die in the end... What is the main reason behind having emotions and the ability to feel? And what are thoughts for when they can torment... And why do we feel afraid? If we all fail to exist and think after death, what was the whole purpose behind all tt we did before we passed...?
Oh man, feeling crappy... And i just dyed my hair... And i wonder why did i even bother when it's gg to grow out again and i'll need to colour it again... small thing like tt....
I want the beach, where i can just bask in the warmth of the sun and play in the water, and just simply be naive again... Knowing too much has made me wary of the world... It brings pain, yet i embrace it with so much hope for a better future... I can scream " Fuck u world, I hate u" but in the end, i still love being alive so much tt i start to think i'm a borderline case...
I love all the shit tt u can throw to me coz it makes me appreciate the good things in life better... I still love u and i don't know how long i can do tt until it turns to hate, but i still do...
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