Blue and Yellow

and it's all in how you mix the two
and it starts just where the light exists
it's a feeling that you cannot miss
and it burns a hole through everyone that feels it

well you're never gonna find it
if you're looking for it won't come your way
well you'll never find it
if you're looking for it
should've done something but I've done it enough
by the way your hands were shaking
rather waste some time with you

and you never would have thought in the end
how amazing it feels just to live again
it's a feeling that you cannot miss
it burns a hole through everyone that feels it

well you're never gonna find it
if you're looking for it won't come your way
well you'll never find it
if you're looking for it
should've done something but I've done it enough
by the way your hands were shaking
rather waste some time with you
should've said something but I've said it enough
by the way my words were faded
rather waste some time with you
waste some time with you
waste some time with you
waste some time with you
waste some time with you
waste some time with you

should've done something but I've done it enough
by the way your hands were shaking
rather waste my time with you
should've said something but I've said it enough
by the way my words were faded
rather waste my time with you
should've done something but I've done it enough
by the way my hands were shaking
rather waste some time with you

waste some time with you
waste some time with you
waste some time with you
waste some time with you
waste some time with you
waste some time with you
waste some time with you

[whispering:]
should've done something but I've done it enough
by the way your hands were shaking
rather waste some time with you

Will the Rain Please stop?

I hope the rain stops soon... It's causing a headache when we want to train for our cheerleading... Damn, it's only a few more days...

Rainy Days

Somehow, the rain reminds me of him... His homely body would always suggest curling up at home and watching downloaded movies when it was rainy... He used to hug me really tightly like a koala would to a tree... Just tt I am pretty small a tree as compared to him...

I used to want to go out all the time... But now, I can't even whine about tt to him anymore...

Last night my mum called before cheerleading... And she asked me about him... And she asked me what was it i really wanted... I tried to explain the emotions tt i had before everything became what it is today...

I told her very frankly tt I don't know if I can ever feel at peace with myself over this... Was giving him up really going to be worth it in the end... Or will I realise tt it was all a big mistake... Mama said tt if we were fated to be together, we will be together in the end, even after all this big hooha... And if we were not, no matter how long we stayed together, we will not be happy in the end...

She said to accept things as they are now and move on with my life... Not to think too much and just breathe easy... I do think of him sometimes, even now... In between lessons, I have the urge to call him... No matter how busy he was, he would always listen and chat till I needed to go... I really liked tt... He made me feel important...

When I come online, I take a peek to see if he is... I know tt even if he was online, I wouldn't know what to say to him, but seeing him there once, really made my heart skip a beat... I wonder...

Actually all I want is a man who will love me through all times and be there for me right at the end of it all and tell me tt we were happy and will continue to be... After all the youth and beauty is gone, the energy and passion dies, will I be left with a companion tt loves me and cares?? I knew I always believed tt i had found tt in him but, now tt he's gone, will i ever find another??

Do I still love him?

Settled

It's been a while since I last blogged... In free access now so the keyboard feels a little foreign to me... Typing really slowly...

It's a rainy day and I feel very tired... Monday and all... Tml is supposed to be a public holiday but since Cheer comp is coming up so fast, we are gg to have 2 shifts of training tml... Once in the afternoon then again at night... 2 shifts of 4 hours...

I am feeling a little more settled now, more calm and not so sad or anything... Throwing myself into Cheer seems like a really good idea... This is the start of a hellish week and I don't know if I can take it onot... My period just came so, Argh~!! Will be feeling irritable, stressed, tired and extra sensitive I guess... Please offer me tender loving care...

I have yet to place my cosmetic orders with papa... Have to remind myself to do it later tonight or tml...

Maybe tml, since I will have the morning free and I don't intend to be clubbing anytime soon this period of time coz of Cheer... Have to wash the floor rags also... Throw into the washing machine and just let it spin clean...

Sometimes I wonder if I am brave enough to not keep thinking and regretting and imagining all the "might-have-been"s and the "maybe"s... May I be as strong as ppl perceive me to be, to be firm with my decision and not regret, and accept whatever fate brings me coz of my decision and to make the most of all tt life will be after him...

I never knew a man who loved me so much, but he said tt is only coz he was the first... There will be other ppl who will show me how promising a future together may be, but there can only be one tt I will share my life with eventually... Like my dad siad, he is a good man and my dad was kinda sorry to see him go but they will all support my decision... One thing, I can never blame anyone else for anything tt happens coz the decision was always mine...

Shit, I am talking about him again... I really have to learn...

Fucking Broke

It's tt time again when expenses go up due to exorbitant prices of textbooks... I just bought this textbook for the Craft of Writing class and this teeny weeny book costs me $30.50... And why is tt so?? The lecturer happily told us tt this book cannot be found in Singapore and had to be specially imported into Singapore tt's why it was so expensive... Pui!

I didn't get the beloved MS8001 tt is Management with Humour... Bloody Hell... So shall standby my laptop to add CH802 tt is Intro to Bio and Chem Ind... Non-examinable too... Please let me get tt...

And I won at mahjong yesterday... But at dinner time, YY cleared my wallet and left me with $2 in it coz we had gone to KBox the other day and we had not paid her yet for tt... I still owe her $8 even now... Damn...

And I want to buy groceries later... But think again... Maybe I can tahan a bit more... Can only get money next week... So sad!!!

Shall draw a bit on my calendar... The Hello Kitty looks cute but can do with some of my details on it.... Haha!!! Gosh, I need sleep... It's a wonder Limei managed to wake me up today for the lecture, but it was a total waste of my good one hour... Could have slept in... At least I have already bought my textbook for this class... It's like a creative writing class... Dun noe what it is really for though...

Bruised Ankles

OMG!!!

It's like in those ghost shows... U have a nightmare tt a ghost was grabbing ur ankles and u wake up to find tt it was all a dream.... But maybe it wasn't coz there are finger marks bruised onto ur ankles... haha!!!

Just tt my bruise marks' sources are pretty obvious... the strong hands of Dan left the marks on my ankles... So tt I can go up onto Emos' shoulders... Haha!! But yesterday, sweat out everything, felt so good...

Kinda pissed at myself tt I couldn't get myself to do the twist cradle then Jesse had to make changes to the routine... Haha!! But others were really encouraging and it felt good... But I wanted to bang my head against the wall when I became such a crybaby in front of all of them... SO PAISEH!!!! Pui!!!

Angel Shoes

I just remembered tt the very shoes tt protect my feet during training was a gift from him tt he calls Angel Shoes... For my 20th birthday nonetheless...

Shilong & I

I would like to tell the story of Shilong and me... Just coz I don't want myself to ever forget all the wonderful things this man has done for me... On 1 Jan 2006, a part of me officially died and I don't want to stop remembering how wonderful this man is...

Two and a half years, neither long nor short, were spent with this man tt I used to dream of marrying... He was the first to ever make me feel secure enough to want to settle down and he was the only one man whom I could always confidently say tt he was mine... He never made me worry about us and his open-ness and honesty was probably one of the best qualities tt I really treasured...

On my 18th birthday, he gave me my first diamond... It wasn't big but it was a diamond pendant nonetheless and the card tt he wrote to me touched me so much tt I just cried... We had only been going out barely 2 months then, but he was so sure about his feelings for me tt it really hurt... His every loving gesture made my heart ache for him...

I still remembered how I cried coz I had forgotten to get him a birthday cake the first year we were together and I really felt lousy about it... But he was alright with it, consoling me even though it was his birthday...

Then there was the time when I bought him a soft toy tt I named Tutu... This round yellow chick with the pouting mouth... We used to imagine what Tutu would do if it was alive and we would laugh about it... He carried Tutu to and fro from work just coz I commented tt Tutu might not like staying in the dark office all alone after work hours...

All the little things, tt made me feel like the most pampered princess... He brought me clubbing just so he can keep an eye on me and make sure I stayed out of harm's way... And when work fatigue drew me away from him during my attachment days, he didn't complain but instead, thought of ways to bring me back... He got a gift box and packed it with a paid voucher for a full body massage and a facial just so I can relax and rest my body. There was a pack of fine chocolates to perk me up when I felt down at work and also a bottle of vitamins so tt my health didn't suffer... He even wanted to surprise me so he left it at the concierge counter when I wasn't on shift and left it there so tt I will receive it first thing in the morning... I realise tt most times tt I cried, it was only coz he had done something to move me to tears...

I think I have been very unfair to him... My moodswings and lack of stability in emotions have always rocked his boat but he had always strived to make sure the lake was always peaceful for me... And I know I was the very reason why he was working hard for and We were the very reason why he was trying so hard for...

Someone said to me tt, the worse thing for a guy is to have been working really hard but realising tt in the end, he has nothing... Shilong was trying so hard to contain his emotions and be cool about it but in the end, I made him cry... I didn't know how to make him feel better and I know I didn't have a right to console him either and it just made me sad... Tt maybe, I had done just tt... Taken away the reason why he was doing what he was doing, working, saving, planning, upgrading himself.. Working so hard for??

Even now, I have to admit I miss the kind of stability and security tt I know I can find in him but do I have a right to regret?? To call him and ask, how are you??

He has put up with a lot and I know tt he really loved me... Ppl normally claim tt they have loved another truly but I can confidently say tt he has loved me unconditionally and I have failed him... I have failed to give him the only thing he had been hoping for from me...

I gave up a promised secure relationship for what I imagine to be a more exciting and adventurous life tt I can have with the freedom tt marriage might take away... Am I silly?? Will I ever regret this day?? I just can't erase the tear-stained face tt he had , and the great pride tt made him swallow those tears back... I know he must have been screaming inside... I guess I did most of the screaming back home, into my pillow, still unsure if I have made the right choice...

I feel so sorry tt I hurt him and I feel so thankful tt he was such a wonderful person to be with and for all the wonderful things he did and for being the wonderful person tt he is...

I think this blog is never gg to be enough to describe all the fine things and sacrifices he has made for me... Will I ever find someone tt loves me as deeply as he did??